I’m at a soccer clinic, in the bleachers when the phone rings:
STACEY: Hi it’s me.
ME: Can I call you back? I’m watching the kids.
STACEY: Just one quick question. Have you ever put your finger up your vagina?
ME: [Howling with laughter] Stacey, this is insane, can I put you on speakerphone?
STACEY: No! Please don’t be Jessica the Blogger, please just answer my question.
ME: Okay, what’s the question.
STACEY: I got really stoned the other night and I couldn’t remember if there was a tampon in so I put my finger in my vagina and I felt a bump. Do you have a bump there too? I think I have a tumor.[I am now gasping for breath laughing hysterically while 25 parents look on]
ME: When you touched the tumor did it feel good?
STACEY: Uh, yeah. It felt really good.
ME: It’s your G Spot. Mazel tov Stacey, you found it.
Two hours later from home.
STACEY: I’m still worried that it’s not normal. Candy won’t answer her phone and what if it’s a tumor.
ME: Ask your OB.
STACEY: Wait until Monday? I can’t wait that long.
ME: Then google it, I’m sure you’re fine.
STACEY: I did. All I got was porn.
All any blogger needs is one Stacey in their life. Fiction could never be this grand.