A Phone Call You Can’t Make Up: Overheard (another one not for you Mom)

I’m at a soccer clinic, in the bleachers when the phone rings:

ME: Hello

STACEY: Hi it’s me.

ME: Can I call you back? I’m watching the kids.

STACEY: Just one quick question. Have you ever put your finger up your vagina?

ME: [Howling with laughter] Stacey, this is insane, can I put you on speakerphone?

STACEY: No! Please don’t be Jessica the Blogger, please just answer my question.

ME: Okay, what’s the question.

STACEY: I got really stoned the other night and I couldn’t remember if there was a tampon in so I put my finger in my vagina and I felt a bump. Do you have a bump there too? I think I have a tumor.

[I am now gasping for breath laughing hysterically while 25 parents look on]

ME: When you touched the tumor did it feel good?

STACEY: Uh, yeah. It felt really good.

ME: It’s your G Spot. Mazel tov Stacey, you found it.

Two hours later from home.

STACEY: I’m still worried that it’s not normal. Candy won’t answer her phone and what if it’s a tumor.

ME: Ask your OB.

STACEY: Wait until Monday? I can’t wait that long.

ME: Then google it, I’m sure you’re fine.

STACEY: I did. All I got was porn.

All any blogger needs is one Stacey in their life. Fiction could never be this grand.

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