Monthly Archives: July 2009

“Where is your daughter, Jane?” The neighbor asks.

“At summer camp.” I reply.

“How is she enjoying it?” They ask.

“I assume she’s fine.” I reply.

Then, they melt down. The questions come rapid fire. Why hasn’t she called? Oh, they aren’t allowed to call [insert sanctimonious tone here]. I don’t know that I’d send my kid to a camp like that. Oh, all camps are like that? Well, that’s not how I remember it. Can’t you send her with a cell phone so she can text you?

That is not why I sent my daughter to camp.

We sent our daughter to camp so that she could take one more leap into adulthood. At ten, she’s ready for a few days of structured independence. At ten, she’s ready to spend some time in a world with a diverse group of children. She’s ready to pick her own clothing and food, to make her own decisions about hygiene and to resolve her own conflicts.

If I gave my child the opportunity to come home early from camp, I would be crippling her. Part of me would love to keep my daughter home, but how fair would that be?

Raising my child without summer camp would be akin to growing a sunflower in the closet. Don’t get me wrong, there are mothers who can provide children the sports, interaction, crafts and singalongs that summer camp provides. I am not that woman. I send my children to camp.

I’m not sure why I allow myself to feel defensive about raising a child that is self assured and confident. When my children were learning to walk, they fell down and I let them. I didn’t scoop them up or kiss every boo boo. Parenting a tween is no different than a toddler, they need to be allowed to stumble. Jane will turn eleven in a few short months. It’s okay for her to miss us, to work out her own problems and to know that it’s just a matter of days before she is home.

Most likely, Jane is having the time of her life. I imagine that tomorrow when the bus brings her back to us, that she’ll look a little older, and seem a little more independent. I’m trying to prepare myself for the daughter that will emerge, but at this moment, that seems impossible.

I just got off the phone with my Mom. She thinks I’m making a mistake, and I know she’s right.

I really hate not being a good enough parent. I hate it when I make mistakes, and I make them. Most of our mistakes are with our daughter, because she came first.

My Mom thinks we’re too tough on Jane with her table manners. She thinks we’re begging for an eating disorder. I want to say she’s wrong, I want to think that we’ve made all the right decisions in parenting, but if I’m defensive I lose the opportunity to learn.

I’m open to learning before it’s too late.

I love my daughter. She’s striking in her beauty. She looks you in the eye and she’s exactly who I would want to be were I a ten year old. Eating with her can quite an event. She sits on her feet, she eats at breakneck speed but first she pulls her food into tiny pieces. Summer camp did absolutely nothing to make mealtime lovelier. It’s hard for me. I want her to be a lady. I want my children to be welcome in anyone’s home.

My Mom thinks I’m too tough on Jane. She thinks I’m going to give her an eating disorder if we don’t lay off. I got my table manners from my father and his parents. They’re German, there’s one way, it’s the right way and there really wasn’t much in the way of debate. We also had a German Nanny who I loved, but she terrified us. I’m just doing what I know.

So table manners matter to me. Maybe too much? Maybe when I’m trying to help my daughter, I’m hurting her.

This is why we have many generations. My Mom can help me be a better mother before any real damage is done.

I don’t think I’ll ever stop talking about BlogHer09. It was an incredible event. After a year of this blog, and a few years elsewhere I’ve finally jumped in and met “my tribe”.

My tribe isn’t Moms, or even only women. My tribe is you. I was so happy to meet so many of my readers, and so many whose blogs I follow. The stack of cards is a mile high, and the pictures… oh y’all took so many pictures.

What I noticed about BlogHer is that the lobby and the sessions had distinctly different tones. While the parties were all about partying (and you know the babes who blog can throw down) the sessions were decidedly altruistic and raw. If you wanted to learn advanced coding it was available, if you wanted to laugh, there was that too.

The AdAge article kinda skeeved me out. I felt bad for the brands, because a lot of thought went into their parties, and what I witnessed was clearly a very different conference than what was reported. As I’ve said before, a headline like 1,398 Women Get It Right probably wouldn’t get much attention.

I did my own giveaways in the lobby. Much like every blogger, it’s hard to walk into a room full of strangers. I’ve chosen a life behind the screen, because I have all the same anxieties you do. I handed out gifts from Sephora, Brainy Baby, I Am Beyond, 10 Again Clothing and Guitar Hero. If you want to make friends, giving them amazing gifts is a great method. It’s really fun to try and find pregnant women to give gifts to, or a size medium, what the heck is a medium? Ooh, that was a dance…

At the moment my stories are completely unedited on Whrrl. I’ll going to edit them up by category and show you the amazing women I met, but do take a look now, and if you see yourself there, please feel free to join the story. I know it’s been three days already, but I still haven’t quite processed the event.

It really was that much.

Ten Again Tees, and Brainy Baby

Sephora, Guitar Hero, and I Am Beyond

I’m really busy hanging out with my kids, so I’m going to talk about drugs from a Mom’s perspective.

Your kids are going to try pot. Would you like them to buy it from a drug dealer or a dispensary? I’m all about the dispensary. California is broke and our prisons are overcrowded. How many of three strikes candidates are there because they smoked a little weed?

Can we stop pretending that cannabis is a problem? I’m infinitely more concerned that partially hydrogenated oils will give Jane and Alexander cancer.
Just keeping it in perspective. Discuss.

I have a difficult neighbor. By difficult I mean, he’s a little off. He’s in his mid thirties, may or may not live with his parents on the street, and spends an inordinate amount of time with the old ladies in the neighborhood. He has keys to their homes, he spends a lot of time across the street in the home of an elderly woman who died last year. The house is vacant.

My children and my friend Ann’s children frequently use Ann’s front lawn to throw baseballs. Why? Because the boys are throwing baseballs long and fast, and two adjacent lawns are best, I have gates, so our space is limited. Down the road is a senior apartment complex and frequently the boys have an audience for their baseball throwing marathons. That they play on the street delights the neighborhood.

Except one.

Apparently while I was gone, our Odd Duck Neighbor (ODN) had informed the kids that they were not allowed to play on the lawn of the (now deceased) old lady. Sadly I was not there.

You see, the owners of the property are the only ones who can ask my children to not “trespass” and ODN is not the owner of that property. His presence there is suspect to begin with.

Here’s the real issue: My children need to know that I am always on their side.

When there’s a big problem, and one day there will be, my children need to know that no matter how big the problem, they have my husband and I on their side. I can tell my children that I love them, but really it’s a verb, and this is the moment.

My kids will continue to play on the lawn that they’ve been given permission to play on. They used to play there by themselves, but I’ll need to supervise for the next few days. Ann’s children and mine will continue to enjoy being part of a family neighborhood and tossing baseballs.

Ann has attempted to speak with the Odd Duck Neighbor, and my husband will do the same. The kids have an extraordinary moment, they get to witness parents protecting them, and sanctifying their childhood. Our four children will know that they are protected from bullies and that the neighborhood as a whole wants them to play.

Asking kids to not play on a lawn? Crummy.

Once again, my feet are aching and I’ve smiled and nodded and guffawed more than my share. I’m surrounded by bright, inclusive, kind and creative women. I don’t quite have words for the entire experience just yet, but I’ll get to it.

I spent about an hour today giving gifts to women, and I’m just getting started.

Brainy Baby put together a very generous gift set. It includes music, videos, toys, a onesie, books and rattles. I adore Brainy Baby from pages to projection, and it was really fun for me to share their product line with some of the most amazing Moms you’ll meet. I got to meet, hug and gift to Emily, who I’d not met before, but when I saw on Twitter that she’s a Friend of Maddie, I realized she’s automatically a friend of Mine. Next was Rockin Mama who is another LA Blogger, how is it that I’m meeting LA bloggers in Chicago? Tanis cruised by, and explained to me that these items were perfect for her son, who has major developmental delays. Oh, and yeah, that made me grateful, hopeful, sad and happy all at once. CentsibleSawyer swang by and I gifted her right up. FluffyPendleton is somewhere beyond adorable and I can’t wait to watch her.

Giving away the 10 Again tees was so much fun. The owners (like Brainy Baby) are friends of mine, so it just felt really great to introduce people to their brand. Everyone commented on how soft and fun the shirts were. Since it’s almost midnight here in Chicago, I’m going to list the Ten Again winners tomorrow, when I’m not bleary eyed.

If you want to see the giveaways and how cute everyone is, here’s the Whrrl story.