My Husband Has A Boss That’s Not Me

My husband is on a business trip with his boss. My Mother is on a pleasure trip with her husband. I am at home vacuuming the floorboards. In an incredibly sensitive moment my beloved late husband calls me. Apparently the four of them are having dinner somewhere swanky in London.

Here is the entire conversation, word for word (need I remind you that I never exaggerate):

HUSBAND: Hi honey, we’re all having a great time.

ME: [unable to feign joy] great

HUSBAND: So I’m with your Mom and Doc and we were trying to tell my boss why you were so unhappy during that trip to England.

ME: Because I was going to break up with you.

HUSBAND: Oh right, but wasn’t there a reason you didn’t want to take walks?

ME: It was icy and I had new boots.

HUSBAND: Oh, right the boots.

ME: Gucci boots, they were knee high with huge silver G’s on the side. I had to get those during the summertime, they sold out quickly…

HUSBAND: [yelling to my family] Hey guys she said she couldn’t walk because they were Gucci boots.

[laughter]

ME: I could walk, I just didn’t want to, they were $900 boots and I loved them, and you made me trudge through icy slushy streets with them on.

HUSBAND: I did propose.

ME: Indeed you did.

HUSBAND: Wasn’t there another issue? Didn’t something break or tear?

ME: Ugh, yes, my coat tore, I was freezing.

HUSBAND: [again yelling to the table] Her coat tore! Remember the coat? [more laughter]

And then my cell phone mysteriously cut us off, and I returned to my chores. I know you’ll find this shocking, but somehow all my husband’s underwear have turned pink.

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Comments 13

  1. I have had similar conversations so I did not laugh while reading this. I simply took a deep breath & became annoyed. And though it may not mean much in the grand scheme of things, after I finished reading this I called my husband and hung up on him. Just because I know that for every person out having a good time there is someone home cleaning floorboards.

  2. omg. very similar convo last week with my husband while I was cooking dinner. But this week I trumped him when he called to tell me his ‘excruciating pain’ was gout. AND? He had to seek medical attention in a country run by Gov’t Health Care.

    Gout.

    I am still cracking up.

  3. why is it that i am now irritated at my husband after reading this. oh wait… I know. It’s because I’ve had similar phone conversations. He took me on a cruise, yet refused to get his ass out of bed before 2pm so I was forced to wander around the ship alone on our “anniversary” present trip every day. I am convinced he only got up to eat dinner, since he could order ridiculous quantities of food without getting a bill at the end of the meal.
    He has also called me from business trips and interrupted my housework to tell me all about his great meetings, etc. and how it’s a good thing I didn’t come with him, as he would be too busy to spend time with me.
    HUH. That sounds just like my anniversary trip. I could have some fun in Vegas with his credit card and his preoccupation with “work”.

    I hear ya Jess. It makes me want to wash all his clothes in extra hot so they shrink and then I’ll just tell him he’s gaining weight, it’s not the clothes.

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