What Is The Return Policy on Adopted Babies?

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From an emotionless place I see the wisdom in allowing families to terminate adoptions.

From the very specific lens of motherhood, and as a woman who knows more of adoption than most (to be discussed another day), I cannot comprehend this.

Here are my questions that have gone unanswered:

Why does this woman need to be on that national news?
Sometimes trying your best is still a failure. Can we admit that?
It does not go both ways, don’t blame the baby.
What about her other children? What will the biological children do when they have abandonment issues, as they should?
Where is the shame? Why is she on the Today show instead of hiding?

I have nothing nice to say to Anita Tedaldi, so I guess I’ll say nothing at all.

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  1. I think this is one of those situations where you don’t know what you will feel until you have experienced it. No one could possibly imagine not loving a baby, not sharing that bond, not having that connection that makes us a family. It is something that comes only after the adoption is done, I think. The question is, what then? Do you just stick it out, make it work, out of pride, even though that might not be the best thing for the child and might even to more harm than good? Or do you admit that you were wrong and try to make it right for that child by relinquishing him to a loving home that WILL give him what he needs and deserves?

    Why is she on the news?

    Because she is not the only woman who has ever gone through this, and she has a voice that others might need to hear, even if you don’t.

    I would rather her figure out that she couldn’t be all that he needed it and admit it, than to keep her mouth shut at his expense. Admitting that failure can not have been easy, at all, and I don’t think she has any reason whatsoever to hide . . . to feel sadness, regret, and guilt? Yes. Shame? Not in my opinion.

  2. Caroline, she blamed the baby. You got that part, right?

    • When you say “blamed” are you talking about where she discusses the fact that “he wasn’t attaching?” That’s an issue that arises in all adoptions, not just on the part of adoptive parents, but also on the part of the adoptive child. That’s fact, not “blame,” and I think it takes a LOT to acknowledge that something isn’t working when it opens you up to people around the world telling you what a horrible person you are.

      She went through therapy with him and acknowledged that she was also not bonding with him, either, that the family wasn’t a good match, that she tried to convince herself that she didn’t have those feelings. She told him that he did nothing wrong before she let him go. I think she did love him, and she did want what was best for him when she made the decision to terminate the adoption. That’s just my opinion, though.

      I read the original blog posted at Motherlode, and found it to be a heartbreaking story at the time, and I continue to think that the complexities of this story are way too rich to simply conclude that she is a sickening individual, particularly not when I don’t think she is the first person, nor will she be the last, to give up an adoptive child when everything in you tells you that it makes you a failure (and you have society telling you that, too!). I would be more likely to condemn women who give their biological children up for adoption, but I don’t, because I think that they are also trying to give their children the best lives they can possibly have–which isn’t available with them.

      • You are the smartest lady that I never seem to agree with.

        Failure = not doing the job. Did you ever study for a test really hard and still not pass? You failed, can we call it a failure without any judgment? I’d like to.

        I didn’t use the word sickening, but I am saying that this woman has cut a wide swath of destruction, and pretending that she’s some sort of a martyr is disingenuous.

        Further, not every story is yours to tell. Wait until the kids are older, be anonymous. Some of this is ego run rampant. A little privacy is a good thing when you’re talking about details of children’s lives.

        • It’s okay. We don’t have to agree. And it’s possible I don’t know what the hell I am talking about. I think it’s the lawyer in me. I tend to see two sides to every story because, in my line of work, there are two sides to every story. It’s very difficult for me to effectively argue the story I represent until I understand the opponent’s story. It colors my responses. In any event, I am not saying that she’s awesome. Personally five children already and adopting another when her husband is hardly ever there? I am not sure she should have ever, ever, ever been approved for the adoption in the first place, but that’s another blog, I think.

  3. Wow. I don’t know what to say about this either. I think I’m just shocked. At least she gave the child back vs. something bad happening, but you present a good question; what about her biological children? I think this whole “bonding” thing with parenting is a recent obsession. Did people a 100 some odd years ago worry about that kind of stuff? If people just live their lives and enjoy the little moments I’m sure that “bonded” feeling they’re looking for will come. This news story is another perfect example of the human condition lol.

  4. I feel really icky about this whole thing. “Icky” is incredibly juvenile and oversimplistic, but I’ll stick with that term.

    She blamed the baby. The baby who was found on the side of the road, with a deformed head from being abandoned in his crib for long times, with legs too short because who KNOWS what his bio-mom ingested while pregnant with him because she obviously didn’t want him anyways…

    A baby, who through no fault of his own, is probably incredibly difficult to manage, both emotionally and physically.

    Not everyone is up to that job. This woman obviously wasn’t.

    I feel so badly for the baby, but if she can’t handle the stress of taking care of him, is not up to meeting his needs….???

    Man, I don’t know.

    The real freaking monster here is that boy’s bio-mom. Where is THAT bitch, and where can I find a big stick to beat her with?

  5. Laura

    Before I came across these post below on a blog recently, I think I might have felt indignant at the idea of giving an adopted child back. However, I cannot judge the people in this position because I haven’t gone through it. I would venure to say that anyone who has to face this decision is heartbroken and will stay that way for a long time (probably their whole life).


  6. Heartbreaking, this is. That poor, poor boy. The whole thing makes me incredibly sad.

  7. I taught a girl who’d been adopted from Russia when she was about nine or ten. She was sixteen when I knew her and if I could have taken her home with me, I would have even though she would have been a hand full. Her situation was clearly one where the parents bit off more than they could handle. She came from a difficult background to say the least and they simply weren’t able to cope. It happens.

    I can’t judge this woman. It’s too sad all the way around for me to throw stones. Sometimes all you can do is be gratifying that the universe didn’t pick that particular test for you.

  8. This is confusing to us. We didn’t think babies were something you could just try out and see if they work?
    Our one question is: Would she apply the same reasoning to her biological children? Would she also give one of them up in the same way? Doubtful!
    That’s what troubles us the most about this video, which we saw for the first time right now! It seems the situation wasn’t really working for HER. She realized she made a mistake and this is her way of “fixing” that mistake.
    Why is she on TV?
    It’s her therapy. This couldn’t have been an easy decision, so she’s using the “safety in numbers” strategy that many people use to go through life.
    We will say that it’s hard to judge anyone unless you’re living in their shoes. We really have no idea what we’re even saying??!! Time to cut out the night time coffee!!!

  9. Mich

    Honestly, some kids are better off getting out of these situations. If that boy grew up in that home, he would have always felt like the outsider; not quite the real child, and that would have been a tragedy too. Assuming that she didn’t end up taking out more of her frustrations on the boy.
    I think she was expecting a child who would drop into her arms with the beaming love that her bio kids did; that just isn’t the reality with kids who’ve been abandoned and neglected. The other family sounds better equipped to deal with the attachment issues and raising an adopted child altogether.
    In some ways, saying no, I can’t raise this child, is probably the most courageous thing anyone can do. If more people would have this courage, fewer children would be beaten and die at the hands of their parents.

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