Brothels, Cocaine and Children

Everyone knows that when you get a new washer and dryer, you have to paint your dining room. If you don’t innately understand this truism, please memorize it now.

The dining room has been a work in progress. I bought four different shades of warm brown and put them on the wall. Once sampled they ranged from salmon (oh ick) to chocolate brown, none of which we Gottliebs found appetizing. I threw five more samples up, and then my friend Mary suggested Flax from Restoration Hardware. I went to Restoration Hardware, bought a sample of Flax, and, as usual, Mary’s keen eye for design was right on target. I put swatches of Flax on all four walls, showed it to my husband, waited two weeks and then called the painter.

Every day, every night I said, “What do you think of these colors?”

Every day and every night he said, “Whatever you like is great.”

Until last night.

Last night at dinner I said, “ooh I’m so excited to have this room painted on Friday.” At which point my husband looked around the room as if seeing it for the first time ever.

“What color are you using?” he asked.

The kids burst into laughter and pointed at the three swatches of color that were flax. “Dad, you know what color.”

And then something horrible happened. The words Army Green, Bunker, and Ugly left his lips.

The words Are You Kidding Me? You Are Insane! I Spent $38 A Gallon! left mine.

And I might have heard him say, “$38 is cheaper than repainting” but there was a slight buzzing in my ears.

My dear husband suggested colors that might be better if we wanted to go bold. Like Yankee Blue, or deep rich brown or red. I interjected, “that would be like eating in a brothel.”

Right on cue Alexander asks, “What’s a brothel?”

Mr. G replies, “nothing you need to know about, and no place you need to be.” At the same moment I’m calmly explaining, “It’s where women go to bring shame on their families.”

Yeah, we nailed that parenting moment.

Right after dinner, Alexander was practicing guitar. He learned a few notes of a new song, and played them for us. Dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dum, dah, duh… “Cocaine!” I screamed. The three of them looked at me with the same eyes. Apparently it was Zero.

Sounded like Cocaine to me.

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Comments 37

  1. At the same moment I’m calmly explaining, “It’s where women go to bring shame on their families.”

    For what it’s worth, his answer was much more appropriate and a lot less sexist.

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      1. Why not call out the people who visit such places as well, then? I understand the moralizing, and don’t even have a problem with that. It’s the sexist bent, coming from a woman, that bothers me more than anything else.

        1. Everything about brothels is immoral and shameful. The brothels, the ones who work there, the ones who run them, and the ones who visit them. That’s why it is my focus to keep my husband happy and satisfied at home so he would never even be tempted to go there.

          I loved your answer, Jess!

          1. That’s why it is my focus to keep my husband happy and satisfied at home so he would never even be tempted to go there.

            :lol:

          2. I was lol’ing at your naivete. Men don’t want filet all the time. Sometimes they want McDonalds, or something….different for a change. Not saying your man will stray, but the vast majority of my clients are indeed married, and many of them have very active sex lives with their spouses.

          3. Nice. Let’s just say that I keep him “well fed” at home. Any more “food” and he’d probably get sick.

            Glad to see your contribution to the degradation of home and family, though. Good work!

          4. He’s the one responsible for making those decisions, sweety, not me. I’m not the one who decided to cheat, and it’s not my responsibility to keep him from cheating – that rests on him. That’s the problem with both you and Jessica – you blame me for it, not the one responsible for it.

            There’s a demand for my services, and I make a very comfortable living providing it. I make no apologies whatsoever for how I earn my living. I own a house, a car, am about to graduate from grad school with zero student loan debt (and will likely go on to get my doctorate as well without incurring any debt). So you go right on moralizing and blaming me for the downfall of the family if that makes you feel better. I think you need to step back and reassess where you’re assigning that blame, though. I know you won’t (because you’re just as sexist as Jessica is), but if you look at it truthfully, I think you have to admit that it’s not “me” that’s creating the demand. ;-)

          5. Touchy! I didn’t blame you. I said you contributed to it.

            We are ALL responsible for the choices we make and we are accountable for the fallout that comes from them.

            And for the record, it is spelled “Sweetie.” And you don’t get to call me that, hon. And who’s being judgmental? You don’t know if I’m sexist or not. I’m feminine. The root word of “feminist.” We just happen to disagree on what might actually propel a woman.

            Congrats on the education. Glad the wallets of immoral men could help fund it.

          6. Glad the wallets of immoral men could help fund it.

            Oh, look. There it is again.

            You left out the women I see, and the couples. They contributed to my education fund as well, babe. ;-)

            We are ALL responsible for the choices we make and we are accountable for the fallout that comes from them.

            Just out of curiosity, if we’re ALL responsible for the choices we make, why do you make it sound like you have to expend a little extra effort to keep your husband from straying? You said it was your “focus” as if it requires pinpoint attention and a focused effort.

          7. Fine. The world has gone to shit. Men, women, monkeys, whatever. They are all responsible. Happy?

            I’m responsible for making my husband happy, as I vowed to do when we got married. He is responsible for doing the same. I don’t expend any EXTRA effort. I just expend the effort necessary to ensure that my son is raised in a healthy, happy, LOVING home and that my husband his happy to see me at the end of the day. Our home is one of courtesy, decency, respect, commitment, and, oh yeah, LOVE.

            So you continue doing what and who you are doing. I’ll take the love, honor, and respect that thrives in my household over arguing any further with you. Quite frankly, it is ridiculous. You are going to justify your (illegal just about everywhere) source of income however you see fit.

            I don’t have to like it. And I get to have my own opinion about it. I even get to be judgemental about it.

            Best of luck with your doctorate.

          8. I even get to be judgemental about it.

            You mean judgmental?

            Best of luck with your doctorate.

            Thank you, madam.

            My point to you, though originally expressed as an “lol,” was don’t assume that just because you try to live up to what you believe the bedroom standard is for your husband that he magically won’t cheat on you. A lot of women believe (naively, whether you elect to recognize it as such or not) that and they end up getting burned, some quite publicly as we’ve seen of late.

            You can judge my profession all you like, but hating on it isn’t going to make it go away, won’t make its services less attractive to anyone, and won’t make your husband less likely to avail himself of my services. It isn’t called the world’s oldest profession for nothing, and it isn’t going anywhere. Ever. Until the human race dies off. Hating on it solves no problem whatsoever.

            And, for the record, I prefer my filets medium rare. I like a good bit of pink in mine. ;-)

          9. I see women, too. And couples, for that matter. Just as an FYI. ;-)

            And I’ve never been infected. The reality is clients of professional escorts are far, far less likely to get an infection because, unlike the general public, we pretty much insist on safe sex practices. In the brothels in Nevada, there’s never been a single instance recorded of an STD being transmitted from a prostitute to one of their customers, for example.

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  3. I hate hookers too. I think you’re response was valid and, in all honesty, the response warranted by the inquisition of a child. You’re child at that. Whom you’d like to raise based on the standard that brothels and women who work in them and the men who frequent them are immoral.

    Kudos! And as for Mr. G? Gah! I flip when Husfriend pulls that crap.

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      I don’t actually hate hookers or escorts, or whatever term you use. Alexa is a “professional companion” and her site is linked to her name. She’s also on Twitter at @Alexa_DiCarlo and she’s smart, funny, witty and often links to kittens.

      So I can’t hate, but I can chastise.

  4. I can’t believe I’m jumping in here, but what the hell – today I need the distraction.

    Not one of you (well, except for Jess, but I am biased!) are better than Alexa just by virtue of the fact that she sells her companionship (and all that it entails). How you treat your children, neighbors, husbands and the rest of the people you encounter, virtual or otherwise is far more important than whether or not you accept money for inserting a penis into your vagina.

    As far as contributing to the degradation of home and family – the only family you should be worrying about contributing to the degradation of is your own.

    The demand for her services comes from men – that is not going to end any time soon, so castigating a woman for providing the service is like being angry at McDonalds because people are hungry.

    In addition to the legalization of marijuana, I would like to see the legalization of prostitution. Then I could open my casino with the full service brothel in the back.

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    2. I’m actually just judging that the profession exists and that there is a demand for the services rendered.

      I’m not naieve. And when someone calls me that, I take it as a challenge.

      Sorry Jessica for having a pointless argument with someone on your post. I’m terribly disappointed in myself for even jumping in. I should know by now that there are certain beliefs that simply cannot be argued.

  5. FWIW, I think that color looks lovely. As ex-Army, I see nothing bunker-ish about it.

    And to Alexa, if you’re a woman who’s made her own choices about what she’s doing and how she got there – more power to you and your continued success.

    1. And to Alexa, if you’re a woman who’s made her own choices about what she’s doing and how she got there – more power to you and your continued success.

      Thank you. I appreciate that. I know it goes against the archetype, but the vast majority of women who enter this work do so after a good deal of reflection and evaluation. I’d done a considerable amount of research and writing on prostitution in my undergraduate schoolwork and knew full well what I was getting into. So, yes, I made my own choices, and have enjoyed pretty much every minute of it.

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  6. Jessica,

    I actually prefer dark colors for small spaces. Thinking of painting my powder room an espresso color. I like khaki that is less on the green side for larger spaces.

    As long as it is a neutral. Then you can add color with art and accent pieces and it all blends well.

  7. Wow. All of this heated banter, and all I feel compelled to comment on is the paint. Number 1 does not look like flax. Holy tanning-bed flesh tone. I think it should be called “Lindsay Lohan”.

    For the love, do not do #1!

    P.S. Did you just have a professional escort try to slap your wrists for being sexist? That makes me laugh.

    1. Did you just have a professional escort try to slap your wrists for being sexist? That makes me laugh.

      Actually, I swatted her on her naked little butt. ;-)

    1. Is it wrong that I am totally impressed that you have a reader who works as an escort?

      Just out of curiosity, why is that impressive? Jessica’s an excellent writer. I suspect she has readers from a great many walks of life. :P

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