Eclipse Review: As Viewed By a Tween’s Mother

Eclipse is bad in every way. It is heavy handed, poorly written, and poorly acted. Eclipse is unique in that it is also a horrible place to take a $48.50 nap.

Jane is a huge fan of the Twilight series, she begged me to take her to a 12.01 am showing of Eclipse, which was okay in theory, except that it was my thirteenth anniversary. To further complicate things, I’d be flying back from Detroit that morning, which means no sleep, but rather a series of naps. Eclipse is sucktastic for a mom who wants to nap.

I watched the opening of the show, Edward and Bella kiss in a meadow of crocuses and the sunlight radiates from his every pore as they kiss. Which is odd, aren’t the girls supposed to glow? The dad is supposed to be funny, but appears to be robotic. When the director shoots in all gray, we’re dealing with vampires. Which is exactly how I’d shoot it except there’s one problem, I’m a housewife not a director. There was some dialogue, some crappy cakey makeup, and a glimpse of a plot that I challenge anyone over fifteen to care about, and then there was sleep. Blessed sleep, because Jane took off her sweatshirt, and I was able to roll it up into a pillow and take a nap.

Except that Eclipse audiences are screamers. They scream every time they see… I don’t know what they see, because my eyes were closed and I was jittery from not having slept, but suffice it to say they are a loud audience.

I’m going to talk to Jane and her friend today about the message of the movie. Apparently Bella wants to give up being human so she can be with Edward. I need to explain to these girls that falling in love and being with a man doesn’t mean giving up anything.

The movie was stunning in it’s mediocrity, and the audience was stellar in it’s devotion to teenage vampires.

I love my daughter, a lot. That was rough.

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  1. I’m sorry, Jess, But I LMAO at the thought of you startling awake to teenaged screamers- Oh my gosh it’s soooo funny. I can just imagine you wanting to stand up on a theater chair and yell, “PEOPLE! Not everyone cares about this stupid movie- some of us are trying to sleep!” I can’t help it I am highly amused. Tell Girl I say hey.:)

  2. I have four sisters. My head is still ringing from their shrieking during our childhood. Girls scream when they are happy, sad and angry. When my daughter was born I had this fervent belief/dream/desire/hope that the shrieking wouldn’t happen.

    It did and it does and it continues. The only difference is that now when I complain about it my girl climbs into my lap, kisses my face and says “I love you daddy.” I am screwed.

  3. Oh Jessica! You obviously didn’t go prepared…..like with earplugs and a pillow and a blanket. Really, though, I am confused as to where you REALLY stand on this movie? You shouldn’t hold back so much! ;)
    And, OMG, yes! Perfect message for those girls because something good HAS to come out of your evening of agony.

  4. Yeah, I went as well. On purpose. Because I thought it would be fun. Notsomuch. I did have fun and posted on it but it was more due to the hilarity of the situation. THAT was worth it. I really like the books. My guilt pleasure actually, but truly the movie disappointed me. And the screaming … Oh the screaming!

  5. I teach 8th grade and I give at least one lecture a year on why the Twilight books are not only awful examples of literature but disturbing examples of how an UNhealthy relationship works. I can only hope that a few of the girls listen!

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