Monthly Archives: September 2011

I swear if I don’t get to photographing everything tomorrow I’ll do another video. This is crazy.

Today my daughter was leered at while at the park. Jane is twelve and like many twelve year old girls her proportions are as perfect as they ever will be. Like her friends Jane has reached an adult height but unlike an adult they are thin, slight even, and they have faces of children. There is no mistaking my twelve year old daughter, nor anyone else’s for that matter, for an adult.

I concede that it is entirely possible that my twelve year old could be mistaken for a fourteen year old. Believe it or not this is relevant information.

Many months ago I was walking on the beach at twilight with Jane and one of her friends. Two men were standing by the water, both were my age and as we neared them they tapped on their wrists as to indicate that we were late for a meeting. It was a playful flirtation and I had the opportunity to save them from total mortification as we got closer and they realized that two of the women were, in fact, children. These two men had the good sense to turn beet red and one almost cried. They immediately left while stammering something about sorry sorry thought you were someone else.

Although upsetting this was basically normal. Adult men saw silhouettes, acted in a flirtatious but mostly harmless manner and almost died from humiliation when they saw that the silhouettes were children. I talked to the girls about how boys will flirt with them and what an appropriate way to behave is. We talked about how powerful it is to be a woman and why you should be kind whenever possible but always firm. We also talked about how to be horribly rude when kind didn’t work so well.

Today, and a few other times, I’ve noticed men older than thirty checking my daughter out. They are lecherous and crude. It’s unlikely that they are attracted to these girls and more likely that they’re asserting their dominance. I mean, perhaps on the surface they are attracted, but I remember walking in New York City in the 80′s. Construction workers would whistle and catcall. These weren’t whistles meant to get my attention, these whistles and cat calls were meant to demean me, to make me feel afraid and inferior for being a girl. They wanted to make me feel terrible for having the gall to be a pretty girl.

I’ve never really written with my discomfort around the recent attention paid to Jane and her friends because I didn’t want to deal with being called an angry feminist. Since the best defense is so often a good offense I didn’t want to have to defend my daughter, her friends and her peers. Today though was just too much for me. My kid needs to be able to go to the park without a middle aged slob ogling her bare knees.

I posted on Google Plus the following:  The first time a 40 year old man leered at my 12 year old daughter I became rabid feminist.

Friends of mine posted commiserations as they have teenage daughters, and one young man posted the following: How was your daughter dressed? When someone asked why it matters he followed up with:  I think it does. I see little girls all the time dressed as skanks, and a guys reflex is to check her out

There is something very different happening when a teenage boy “checks out” a teenage girl. Sure, it’ll make us all squirm but it’s appropriate and a somewhat equal relationship. The boys will ogle and the girls will destroy them with words more cutting than a razor’s edge. Everyone will be angst ridden, and then they’ll have three scoops of ice cream, stay skinny and get over it.

The problem is when the relationships are unequal. An adult to child relationship is always unequal. One is a predator and the other is prey. There is no time when this is not the case, and every civilized nation has laws to protect children from adult predators.

There is danger in allowing our sons and daughters to believe that provocative dress always leads to a provocative action. Men wear cycling shorts around town. I assure you I’m not checking for penis size however there are entire sections of my beloved Reddit devoted to crotch shots of girls playing volleyball. Please don’t tell me that this is because men are visual. This is because men bond nicely while humiliating strangers, this is about power and we all know that power can be sexy.

Teenage girls know or are about to find out that their bodies are incredibly powerful. They don’t need to touch anyone or speak a word to get boys to do things for them. A smile, a glance, a nod or a shorter skirt will have boys scurrying to do their bidding. At some point most girls will roll their skirts up a little shorter and unbutton their blouse a little lower. Their mothers will scream a little, their fathers will stutter an uncomfortable talk about how they were “once a young man”. Everyone will retreat and there won’t be an issue for a little while. Until there is, because kids don’t listen to their parents and this is normal.

What will happen, what undoubtedly happens, is that a little girl is sexually assaulted. It happens. I don’t want it to, but in real life a huge number of young women are the victims sexual assault, some worse than others. The societal horror that I can control as a woman and as a blogger with a big loud voice is the answer to the inevitable question “What was she wearing”.

I don’t care if your four year old is dressed for Toddlers and Tiaras, no one has the right to leer at her (okay the judges make that confusing but work with me here). I do not care if your eight year old is wearing wildly inappropriate clothing, adult men do not have the right to ogle her. I do not care if your 13 year old looks “grown up” and might be mistaken for the ripe old age of 16. She is a child and should not be touched. “Skanky little girls” (and how I detest all that implies) deserve defending with the same vigor as a nun or an asexual old woman.

Our daughters need to hear over and over again that they are worth protecting. They don’t need to wear a burka to walk the streets comfortably and when they’re treated poorly and someone says, “What was she wearing?” our daughters need to be strong enough to look that person in the eye and say, “It doesn’t matter and it never will.”

Yesterday was the opening day for Fall Ball at the local Little League. If you follow me on Twitter then you may have taken note that the culture of Little League has a lot of parental involvement. Or possibly you might have noted my unparalled disdain for The Baseball Mom.

Little League seems to rival Pop Warner for the most involved parent awards. Unlike soccer, volleyball or tennis more than one coach is required so at least three dads are on the field at a time. Once in a while a mom makes her way onto the field, but the dads do a pretty good job of moving her along to snack duty like a good mom.

Like other sports there is a draft. Presumably this is to keep the teams balanced.

Baseball is about one kid and a ball. Unlike other sports the play is where the ball is and the spotlight is on the boy with the ball. It can be a lot of pressure on a child so moms like me supplement Little League with a pitching, catching or hitting lesson. My son goes for an hour a week and the cost is $85 an hour. To keep that in perspective a really great Math or English Tutor runs about $65 an hour.

I know it’s silly but Alexander loves those lessons and we can swing it. So why not? Why not indeed. I’m morphing into a baseball mom.

This weekend our Little League has hit their stride. You may or may not know that a season of Little League is a little over $200, then you buy a bag, bat, glove, cleats, batting gloves, and more. It’s a fairly significant expense as compared to sports like soccer or volleyball, where you pay $100 or less, join a league and buy the kids a pair of shoes and a ball. After paying the $200+ (I think it was $230 last year?) you are asked to help fund raise. This is typically where I lose interest. The fundraising supports lights on the fields… ummm I don’t want my kids there in the dark, I want them home for dinner. Sometimes the fundraisers support the off season teams, again, that’s not my boy, you’re on your own.

Apparently this year the Board of Directors of the Not For Profit Little League, which is responsible for providing young children (boys only at our park) with the opportunity to play baseball, has decided that the best way to use those tax free funds was a parent donated** drumroll please…… (more…)

New car shopping is confusing. It’s meant to be confusing. I know this because I’ve bought many cars. Rest assured I’ve sold many more cars than I’ve bought.

If you try to walk into a dealership you will be shown a car by a salesman, presented a foursquare, and then your salesman will broker a deal between you and the dealership. This sounds good, except the salesman isn’t on your side, and quite often when they run into the office to talk to the manger they’re reading the sports page, because they already know the numbers and they already know that you can’t have what you want.

So if you see a sheet like this, go back home and buy a car my way.

I’ll show you how to buy a car if you are planning to own the car either by paying cash or by making payments to an institution as well as how to lease a vehicle.

1. Test drive everything. Go test drive every vehicle you think you’re interested in and pay attention to what you like. Take notes because you can’t compare them side by side. Let the salespeople know that you are not buying today. Take a low pressure test drive and know exactly which car you want, the trim level and the features you care about. Only after you know what you’re looking do you buy a car.

2. Know your credit score. Experian will give you a credit report once a year free. If you’re financing in any way it is critical that you know your credit score. It’s easy to confuse someone when they have a lower score than they’d thought.

3. (for buyers) Call two fleet departments. Pick up your telephone and call two competing dealers, ask for the fleet manager. It is quite likely that the fleet manager only works Monday through Friday 9-5. He’s probably older than everyone there and grumbly. He might say things like “rubber and metal, that’s all they are”. This is okay. The fleet manager doesn’t care about you because you don’t manage a fleet. The fleet manager wants you to take your car and get the hell out of his office.

When you have the fleet manager on the phone you will tell him exactly what you want in your car. Start with the make and model and then move onto every bit of trim that could be imagined. Ask him if he has that in stock or if it’s something he can locate for you. The answer will be “no” because most buyers want a car that’s never been made but he will give you a few options that are really close to what you’d wanted. Now ask him for the internet fleet price (I used to recommend getting AAA and asking for the AAA price but I found that they don’t negotiate as well as they used to). He will throw a number at you and explain that it’s $200-$1000 over invoice. If you’re looking for a hard to find car it may be more, but $250-$500 over invoice should delight you.

Now you need to hang up the phone and have the same conversation with another fleet manager at another dealership. Take notes during your phone call. If you live in a small town or a rural area don’t be afraid to call out of state. I’ve sent cars across the country for as little as $600 in covered trucks. It’s an option worth looking into.

4.(for leasers) Call two fleet departments and ask for the car just as a buyer would, only don’t ask about the price. Ask what the minimum drive off is based on your credit as well as the monthly payment. If you think there is any chance of buying the car at the end of the lease (that would be dumb and I don’t recommend it) be sure to ask what the residual value is. Don’t lease a car one day longer than the warranty. Three years is typically the best deal on leasing, but if the warranty lasts five years you could go to a 48 month lease. This could help get you into a car you’re stretching a little to afford. Still, most often 3 years is the ideal.

5. If you have a trade in they’ll all give you the same price. It’s a formula and you’ve got to remember that no one cares about your car. They’re going to send it to auction so a few sales will be involved before your car hits retail. If you need to get top dollar for your vehicle trading in is not the right move for you. If you (like me) aren’t interested in dealing with a buyer trade the thing in and never look back.

6. Compare your two offers. Typically one dealership will be much easier to deal with or one price will be much better than the other. When you find the numbers that work for you have a contract faxed over, look at it carefully and then make an appointment to have your car delivered or to pick it up.

Most of all, have fun. I love a new car.

Moms are funny and mine is no exception. I’m not sure if I told you about the time she bought a house at a seance, or about the time that they brought a healer in to talk to the cat to ask her how she felt. The house was a good house but the cat felt like shit because she was 20 years old and they mercifully put her to sleep some time after that cat chat.

I also won’t tell you about the time that Mom was going to add an angled step to the staircase so the chi wouldn’t flow out the front door. You see, if I told stories like these you’d think my mother was silly. She is not a silly woman.

I thought I would share the stream of text messages that Mom and I most recently had.

As you can see I did not know how to hard boil eggs. I texted Mom and she texted me back with directions. Thanks Mom.

You can also see that Jane sent us to the poorhouse recently with her love of oysters. She loves good food, and my hope for her is that she has an excellent job one day or else grocery shopping will be her nightmare.

The first night we were in Mammoth there was an earthquake. We sure did feel it.

This morning’s text signals a return to her youth. Maybe Mom is looking for a new house, or perhaps she’s gotten tired of taking her dog to the acupuncturist and she needs someone to talk to her? I’m not sure why Mom needs a good psychic but I have a feeling it’s going to be a good story.

Remember when I said I wanted to have a Reverse Shower and Giveaway Day? Well, you all agreed with me and thought it was a fabulous plan and started filling out the form and sending things. Take a look at what’s here already, these are products from folks I’ve followed on twitter for years. They’re from people who have been in my home, and from corporations that really want to be part of the online conversation without being obnoxious about it.

Thank you. All of you.

I’m setting a date for late next week or early the one after that. I’m not waiting until 20k because I have no sense of delayed gratification and I want to spend a day thanking all of you for making social media a fun place.

One thing you will notice about these photos is that I’m not a very good photographer. I was going to ask for help but then I realized that y’all might want an opportunity to feel really good about yourselves. So here, look at my pictures and know that you’re a better photographer than I am. It’s my first gift to you.

If you have something you’d like to share please do. There’s still some time left.

Mostly though, I want to thank the folks at Cottonelle Respect the Roll  for jumping on board with sponsorship for this wacky idea. It’s not the first time we’ve done crazy stuff together.