This afternoon Junior needed a walk. Wait, let me rephrase that. This afternoon I took Junior on my short walk. Well, that’s not quite right either.

This afternoon I needed to bring my neighbors their mail (you see it’s quite often delivered to my home) and when Junior saw me reaching for the front door knob he started jumping and yipping and saying, “Take me! Take me!” in dog-ese so I put a harness and a leash on him and we walked together for a half a block and then he started hopping up and down my leg so I carried him the rest of the way. I don’t know what sort of walk that is, but it’s not a dog walk. It’s a Jessica walk with a dog in arms.

As I’m coming back to my own street at 2.30 in the afternoon I walk past Alexander’s friend’s house and notice a blue 3 series parked in front of it. In my best Mrs. Kravitz imitation I peer in the car window and see a middle aged man with an enormous paunch. He and I make clear eye contact (even through my sunglasses) and he doesn’t move at all. What does move is the head that’s bobbing up and down in his lap.

I survey the street and there are gardeners about 50 yards south of me and a construction crew another 5o yards north. I have no idea if this guy is trying to get caught, if he’ll freak out and get violent or if she might run out of the car. I’m not even convinced that the bobbing head belongs to a woman, it’s clearly very enthusiastic and it’s a woman’s shirt but it’s a broad back.

So I do what every surburban housewife worth her salt would do. I screamed in my lowest, loudest voice:

GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE YOU PIGS. PEOPLE LIVE HERE. WE DON’T WANT YOU ANYWHERE NEAR US!

And he drove away just as she was sitting upright.

The gardeners came running and I didn’t know the Spanish word for blowjob so I just said “puta”. They’re not interchangeable but they are I guess… whatever. My Spanish is limited, the men laughed.

I didn’t walk to my house until they had turned the corner but when I did I replayed the scene in my head a zillion times and kicked myself for not taking video.

What kind of blogger am I? I could’ve had a ton of hits by now on YouTube.

And in a related story a woman is riding the train on the East Coast and posting images of men there with warnings to their wives that they are cheaters. Srsly, get a grip. So intrusive. So not your business. Such a shitty way to treat people.

 

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