I hate the word remission because I’m not in one. I’ve never been in one. I mean technically the first 38 years of my life were a remission and the next 50 will be something else.

Today’s an injection day and one of the reasons I’m grateful for an every 25 day injection schedule is that I only feel like a patient every 25 days. For some reason aches and pains don’t make me feel like a patient. Fatigue does. I find the fatigue to be the most debilitating part of this disease and it depresses me to no end.

Today is a little different. Right now I’m leaving my injector pen out of the refrigerator for 20 minutes before I shoot up and I’m feeling mostly grateful that I just threw out a full bottle of Tramadol. After a year those pills expire and of the 30 pills I picked up at the pharmacy I think I only took four of them during the course of the year and one might have been for menstrual cramps. Normal people might take three narcotic tablets in a year. I’m not in remission, I’m not without pain but I’m in the normal zone and brimming with gratitude.

I haven’t been for acupuncture in a while because I haven’t had a flare but I’m a terrible patient and an ignorer of pain. There’s a dull ache in my shoulder that I should probably tend to and my tennis elbow is close to zero. I’d changed my tennis membership at the club over to a fitness membership and I’m hopeful that in a month or two I’ll pick up a racquet again.

I feel like crap (and get fat) when I eat wheat and sugar but I eat wheat and sugar. I’m flawed. Deeply. Tomorrow I see the rheumatologist and it’s long past time for me to have some wrist and foot x-rays. I’ve been able to run… okay jog about a mile on a padded track without excruciating foot pain the following morning but there is pain and I need to talk to my doctor about what sort of risk that really is. I love to run but a body with Rheumatoid Arthritis has a limited number of steps it can take. And no, I do not wish to swim. Pools for for floating.

This sort of non-remission is pretty good stuff. My body isn’t a total hostage but it’s not completely free. Or maybe I am captive to my immune system and I just have some sort of Stockholm Syndrome where I used to hate it but am growing to accept it.