Jane & Alexander: Disguising Your Children Online

12.14.08

First off, I’d like to welcome all the SITS girls. If you don’t know what SITS is, you should, go read about them over there. They’re cute and they’re saucy and they understand the import of women joining together.

I digress.

When I run into girlfriends about town then say to me, “I read your blog, who is Alexander?” “My son.” I say. They stare at me blankly, puzzled.

Despite the fact that this blog is just a few months old, I am not new to the realm of Mommy Blogging. There are many reasons to disguise your children, and they vary with age. (more…)

We Raised A Bunch Of Sissies: Yes, I’m Politicking

12.12.08

APTOPIX Congress AutosAutomakers went to DC and asked for money. The government said, “no, you’ve been irresponsible. File bankruptcy and restructure.”

That same day.

My daughter Jane asked me for money for iTunes. “Take it from your allowance jar.” I told her. “It’s empty.” She replied. “I’m sorry, you’ll need to save more next week.”

Time passes

Automakers drive hybrids to DC and ask for money. “No” say the lawmakers. “But look, we’re in shiny new toys and we squished into them to and washed behind our ears and two million people are counting on us.” They plead. The Senate says, “No, clean up your mess.”

That same day.

My daughter Jane says, “Listen, I know I spent my allowance and I haven’t earned any money but I’m super cute so give me some cash or I’ll take down the whole 4th grade with me.”

“Sorry”, I say, “No can do, when I run out of money I stop spending. I’m teaching you responsibility.”

The next day.

The pwecious automakers don’t like the answer and ask the President for help. Two still don’t appear viable, Ford seems to be at a tipping point.

At the same moment.

Jane asks her father for the money I’ve said no to, and she is punished.

Don’t get me started on corn subsidies.

IRL I’m Also Prickly: Microsoft BizSpark Party In Los Angeles

12.11.08

Last night I was lucky enough to attend the Microsoft BizSpark party in LA.

I did not win the gaming console *le sigh* my children are the last two in the developed world who have been denied gaming systems. Eh, the Mac Laptops my mother showers them with will have to make due.

I’m giving you a very brief recap because I’ve got a tennis match in 45 minutes I’m really busy today and I’m going to the premiere of Marley and Me this evening. Yari, I’m all about Team Anniston (don’t worry, Yari gets it).

Moving along:

Picked up Lolita and headed to Hollywood for the BizSpark Party. In the car she’s texting someone and I’m like, “who are you texting?”

“Oh just my dumb friend who is so shy that he can’t walk in until we get there.”

“Who is he? Do I know him?”

“No, he’s just a blogger, he goes by the name of …

(more…)

Los Angeles Wives: We Aren’t Deceptive We’re Just Making Things Pretty (another one for Mom to NOT read)

12.10.08

There’s some strangeness this time of year, my husband leaves for work a few minutes later because traffic is light. That means we have this weird crossover in the morning, where he’s typically he’s been gone and I’m alone to make beds and tidy the bedrooms.

So there’s this moment where we both really want to enjoy the silence of the morning, but it’s clear that neither of us want the other to feel ignored. I say something wifely about him looking great nekkid and he examines the ceiling. Sweetheart, I don’t know what you’re looking for up there but you haven’t found it in the last 13 years. Today won’t be the day.

He says, “What are you going to do today?”

I reply, “I’m got a few articles to pop out. I need to make reservations for New York in January, make things pretty, Boston Magazine is calling for an interview, I’m having a lunch with Emily B., kids need books from the bookstore, you know, so they can read in the bathtub without worrying about the library…” as I’m talking I realize he isn’t listening anyhow. We’re both longing for the silence.

The reality of my day is only subtly different. Making things pretty is by far the most exciting part of the morning. Yesterday I was at Bliss and picked up one of these. You see every Mommy Blogger has the bikini wax story, it’s a rite of passage. If you live in Los Angeles it can be a really great story too, since the San Fernando Valley is the porn capitol of the world there are waxing spas that make our hookers blush.

In the process of becoming a mother more people see your vagina than you’d ever believe. I promise you that after 40 weeks of prenatal care breastfeeding in public is no big deal. I’ve had men schedule golf games with a gloved hand near my naughty bits and no one inviting me along. As we shed the baby weight and rejoin the ranks of  womanhood we tend to our grooming once again.

The money I spent having my underarm hair lasered away was one of the best investments ever. Guess what goes along with the hair? Offensive odor, not kidding. I wouldn’t joke about that. I had the leg treatment twice, and I’m shaving my legs below the knee every ten days now, but what about above the knee?

I have an isty bitsy shred of dignity left. It’s not much, but it’s mine and I’d like to keep it. That means no one lasers the labia. Yep, if your face is within 12 inches of my girly bits that means you’ve married me or you’ve delivered my children. No. Exceptions.

So honey, when I tell you that I’ll be spending the late morning making things pretty, what I really meant was:

I’ll be spending the time between 11 and noon with a low powered laser attached to my groin. It might hurt like a motherfucker but I’m loaded up on aspirin and I’m not above a shot of bourbon to cure what ails you. So yes, darling, while you’re at work, I’ll be putting yoga to good use and cussing praying a little.

As our friends at Motherhood Uncensored say: Moses aint the only one with a burning bush.

Oy.

Conflicted/Lukewarm: Biting the Wii Hand That Fed Me

12.9.08

I went to a Wii Fit party today at Bliss. I love Bliss and the oxygen facial was ridiculous and amazing at the same time, I owe y’all a post.

I liked the Wii Fit, heck, I like video games, who doesn’t?

I also like Twinkies, Cinabons, fried chicken and Smoked Gouda; but those aren’t staples in my house. The kids want a Wii, my husband wants a Play Station with a blu ray and I want to live on a mountain top where kids run in fields rather than in place.

I like it, I get it, I mean I understand the appeal in big meaningful ways. I’m not sure if it’s a good thing or the lesser of two evils, neither of which is a necessity.

Yes, Nintendo throws a good party, and witness me biting the hand that fed me.