A few months ago I bought the world’s best bath towels. I only bought three of them because they cost an absolute fortune but the sales lady at Bloomingdales assured me they’d be worth it. Here we are six months later and those three towels have held up extraordinarily well even with insane overuse because they quickly became our favorites. To be fair they were replacing some incredibly moisture resistant (also not inexpensive) towels I’d purchased from Restoration Hardware.
Last week Bloomingdales had one of their zillion dollar off sales and the Abyss bath towels were 40% off from $90 each so I was only mildly apoplectic when I bought a half dozen towels and a handful of wash cloths. When we were newlyweds and dinosaurs roamed the Earth my sister in law bought us a set of Christy Egyptian Cotton bath towels that are only just falling apart. Sometimes it’s actually frugal to buy the high end items.
After laundering the new towels it was time to put them away and get rid of the junk. I also found an old sleeping bag and a comforter that no one will ever need. Monday morning I stacked the towels and the blankets on a sofa and planned to bring them to the animal shelter where they can be put to good use.
Now I have a big problem. The last time I was at the animal shelter I came home with her.
It took me a while but I’ve come to love and appreciate her. In all candor I do love Junior more but every time I hang out with the cat (not that often because she despises the dog) I think to myself, “Hey I could have another cat. This is pretty awesome and easy.”
It’s now Wednesday and there’s still a pile of crap on my sofa but I’m pretty sure today is the day that I am able to go to the animal shelter to drop something off without bringing something home.
Moms are funny and mine is no exception. I’m not sure if I told you about the time she bought a house at a seance, or about the time that they brought a healer in to talk to the cat to ask her how she felt. The house was a good house but the cat felt like shit because she was 20 years old and they mercifully put her to sleep some time after that cat chat.
I also won’t tell you about the time that Mom was going to add an angled step to the staircase so the chi wouldn’t flow out the front door. You see, if I told stories like these you’d think my mother was silly. She is not a silly woman.
I thought I would share the stream of text messages that Mom and I most recently had.
As you can see I did not know how to hard boil eggs. I texted Mom and she texted me back with directions. Thanks Mom.
You can also see that Jane sent us to the poorhouse recently with her love of oysters. She loves good food, and my hope for her is that she has an excellent job one day or else grocery shopping will be her nightmare.
The first night we were in Mammoth there was an earthquake. We sure did feel it.
This morning’s text signals a return to her youth. Maybe Mom is looking for a new house, or perhaps she’s gotten tired of taking her dog to the acupuncturist and she needs someone to talk to her? I’m not sure why Mom needs a good psychic but I have a feeling it’s going to be a good story.
This morning when I went to wake Jane Sparky was curled up her bed. Sparky does not sleep with Jane, and we know that the last time Sparky slept with Jane there was not a happy ending to the story.
This morning was no exception. Although Jane’s sheets are lime green with white and green, there are no flecks of black. The flecks of black you see on the bedsheets are actually feathers. And the red? Well, I’m assuming it’s blood, but since we didn’t find a bird body to go with the wings the evidence against the homicidal manic is strictly circumstantial.
Last Wednesday night Sparky slept on Jane’s bed. This is odd, because Sparky never goes into Jane’s room, she sleeps with Alexander. By way of explanation Jane’s bedroom is the first bedroom you’d encounter after walking upstairs.
Jane then slept out on Thursday and Friday nights. As is our habit we close her bedroom door when she’s not home. It makes us miss our kids less. On Thursday morning I grabbed something from her room and realized it stank like soccer gear. Shin guards can be horrendous. I texted her, “I hope you’re having fun, but your bedroom smells like something died in it.” and then I closed the door.
On Friday morning the window washers came. They were here to wash all the windows except the one with the bird nest on in. You can see how well that turned out. I went upstairs with them and opened the door to Jane’s bedroom.
It was not the smell of shin-guards. Sparky darted into the room, went under the bed and started purring louder than a jet engine. She was puffed up and delighted with herself.
The other thing that was puffed up in the room was the rat. The dead bloated rat that Sparky had put under Jane’s bed.
Fast forward a few tears, double plastic bags, carpet cleaning and a $50 tip to the window cleaner who brought the dead animal to the trash can.
Last night we had a fabulous dinner to celebrate Jane’s Birthday. The four of us stumbled into the house, giddy as we were stuffed with delicious Japanese Food and desserts, and we saw this.
I could have run upstairs to grab a towel for her. I could have started to clean the floor, but I’m a blogger and I love you guys. So I grabbed my phone and started snapping pictures. Sparky has been eyeballing the vacuum in the pool for a few days now. I’m guessing last night she finally felt like she was in a position to nab it.
Here’s where she missed.
When we were done giggling, and the kids were tucked in Mr. G. and I just sort looked at each other and started in with the OhMyGawdWhatWouldWeDoIfTheCatDrownedOnHerBirthday talk. And then we were trying to imagine what she looked like in the pool. Then I sat around feeling sad that I didn’t have a video camera running while the cat was flailing in the pool. Because even if I’m a horrible person I’m a very good blogger, and y’all would loved that.
Even though Sparky has stolen my heart. I must say that I love Junior best.