Eff You Lady: Adventures in Head Lice

Dear Myla’s Mother, Fuck you. I could end the letter there but I won’t. I’d like to elaborate on why you can go fuck yourself. This house has been head lice free for almost a month. Why? Because when my daughter had them I took care of her. We stayed home for a few days to get the job done. When your daughter had head lice you sent her to camp. How do I know this? Because my daughter told me so. Myla explained to the girls that she only …

Fat Acceptance is Bullshit

I’m tired of hearing people equating obesity with race, hence the discrimination. I can’t carry my 7 year old on my back all day long and still have a good quality day. He’s 50 pounds or so. Many of you “fat acceptance” bloggers have lots more than 50 pounds on you. Stop pretending it’s okay. You are dying and some of you are killing your kids. That has me irate. It’s got to suck to be morbidly obese. I can’t imagine laboring to get out of bed, oh, wait I …

Bad Mommies are the Only Ones Worth Knowing

If you’re like me you’ve met a perfect mother. She’s infallible, never curses, never raises her voice, always cooks a healthy dinner and scares the snot outta ya. Why? Because it’s untenable. We all know that Perfect Mommy will snap, and when she does I don’t want to be there. Besides the loneliness of having infant children I suspect that the secret badness of the Mommy business is what brings us to our computers. Recently I visited a sibling cousin family member¬†friend (who wishes to remain anonymous) and we were …

It’s Just Motherhood

You’re taking it all too seriously and your children are weird. I know you quit your job as a doctor/lawyer/Indian chief but I promise you that if you take a breath and relax a little you might have some fun. This is parenting. You are supposed to make mistakes. You are NOT supposed to start saving for Yale when they are in diapers. Why? Because they might want to be a plumber. And that would be cool.