Dear children

You just came from your first ever snorkeling trip. Your guides were dick murphy and jean-michele Cousteau. Yes, I am an amazing mother. Please maintain your gratitude. Mom

Dear Neighbor

Dear Next Door Neighbors, You really don’t need to apologize about your 4 month old daughter crying all night. I’m going to let you in on two secrets. The first one is that we couldn’t possibly hear her crying. If you’re sobbing with her, there’s the off chance that we heard that, but we’d just think birth control and roll over and go to sleep. The second secret is that your daughter was likely crying because my dog was barking. I know, he’s a little fucker, and we’re tired and …

Caged Animals, Down Syndrome and A Wake Up Call

I hate cages. Animals in cages depress me. I love my children enough to take them to the zoo but I feel anxious the entire time. The rule breaker in me wants desperately to open the cages and free the animals. I feel like Lisa Simpson in running shoes, only not nearly as cool. My boy turned 7 last week, and all he wanted was a hamster. We’ve had hamsters before and we had yet to enjoy having a hamster live with us. Hamsters are nocturnal. Hamsters are tiny. Hamsters …

Eff You Lady: Adventures in Head Lice

Dear Myla’s Mother, Fuck you. I could end the letter there but I won’t. I’d like to elaborate on why you can go fuck yourself. This house has been head lice free for almost a month. Why? Because when my daughter had them I took care of her. We stayed home for a few days to get the job done. When your daughter had head lice you sent her to camp. How do I know this? Because my daughter told me so. Myla explained to the girls that she only …