I didn’t play softball as a child. I’m not even sure that Manhattan Beach had softball but I think that when we were tiny some of the girls played Little League. If you didn’t play soccer and volleyball you didn’t have a social life so I’m pretty sure those girls didn’t last long and joined us at the beach or on the fields.

I like baseball. I love going to a Dodgers game though I much prefer the cleanliness of Angels Stadium. This should surprise no one who knows me well.

My son plays Little League. I bring him to practice and check out everyone else’s pants. This year they are grey so I can’t compare laundry skills as well as I could when the pants were white. I decide who is good at laundry and that’s pretty much where the competition ends for me.

This afternoon (evening maybe? The games last until 7pm) I was watching Alexander play and listening to Howard Stern on Sirius when Mr. G called. He wanted to know how the game was going. I explained to him that Alexander had only one play in the field and it was at first base where he dropped the ball. Mr. G went back to work and was probably a little bummed about his son not playing great ball. I just clapped when the other moms clapped, turned in my raffle tickets and tried to catch the last rays of sun. I managed to catch up with a friend at the snack bar (and really they shouldn’t call that shack a bar unless they’re willing to put some booze in it) and marvel at her kids who are tall and beautiful and in my mind will always be one year olds in diapers.

So after the game I drove the kids home and talked to Alexander about the game. He was like, “They didn’t win that game, we lost it.” So I tentatively brought up the missed ball at first base which was when I got a chorus of “Mo-om, you’re the worst baseball mom EVER.”

Apparently the kid who dropped the ball at first base wasn’t my son. He was some other kid (kudos on the laundry mom… I totally thought those were the grey pants I got very clean) and in addition to being not-my-son the ball wasn’t missed so much as it was thrown wrong. So you see I know nothing. Which is actually preferable to him having screwed up a play that may or may not have existed.

But I do know for a fact that he was walked once and hit it to second base another time and if there was a third at bat I might have missed it because I was chatting with the mom at the snack not-a-bar.

Worst baseball mom ever. But the uniform is absolutely glistening clean. So I win.

During Spring Break I read Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead. I was going to do a video review of it because everything that could be written about it has been. It’s a book that will either inspire or tire you out. It wore me out but you might be surprised why.

Sandberg is unlikeable in her book. I understand that in order to make an omelet you’ve got to break a few eggs but this book is over the top filled with advice that makes no sense to anyone who doesn’t want to be a C level executive.

Worth noting is that most of the world does not want to be a C Level Executive. I love advice about taking up space and not sitting in the back of the room when men take the table. I actually had that happen recently at NBC when they invited a bunch of bloggers to their news room. The conference room table (which probably seated 20 people) was filled not just with NBC staffers but with all male NBC staffers and standing behind them around the room were guests. It was strange to me that they wanted to make a good impression on the community but they weren’t concerned enough to give up their seats at the table.

So yeah, when Sheryl Sandberg says that women should sit at the table she is not speaking figuratively and we women should listen.

Sandberg talks about the import of picking a great spouse. Check. Done. That’s a totally different book with a boat load of chapters.

Sandberg asserts and reasserts that women in the workplace are unlikable if they have strong personalities. The subtext of this is that not liking a powerful woman (like Sandberg) is an antifeminist statement and part of the patriarchy.

When Sandberg talks about corporate culture, parking for pregnant women, maternity leave and things of that sort I agree with her but I don’t know that I have to give up my life and be a COO, CEO, CFO or CMO of a Fortune 500 company to get those tasks accomplished.

When Sandberg drones on and on about the multitude of ways she is a fantastic wife and mother all because she works I tune out. I’m not tuning out because I think she’s a bad mother. I’m tuning out because I now recognize that this book is her absolution  She’s tired of people calling her bitchy and she’s tired of people calling her a bad mother so the running theme of the book is to insert random studies that tell you working mothers are the best mothers and anecdotes that make you a bad person if you think a woman who happens to be in power is unlikable.

This brings me to my two major problems with the book. Sandberg wrote a book for people who want to be C Level Executives, not just women but people. A very small percentage of the population want to be C Level execs at huge corporations. When I look at Sandberg, Richard Branson, Kevin Mansell, or Larry Page I don’t look at their lives with envy. I don’t look at them with pity either. Their lifestyles, their goals and their achievements are as relevant to my life as building an igloo, training a seal or digging a coal mine. I never want to give up that much of my life for anything. I don’t want a marriage like that or a family like that. Most of the people in America aren’t interested in a Fortune 500 CEO/COO lifestyle. Not most of the women, most of the people.

This doesn’t mean I’m not ambitious or that most of America isn’t ambitious but my life’s goals won’t be met at a publicly traded company. So yes, I lean back, not in.

Lean In is manipulative. The thread running through the book about how bossy little girls are really just great leaders might be true (it also might not) but there’s another saying that Sandberg forgets to mention: “It’s lonely at the top.” This has nothing to do with gender and everything to do with that fact that people don’t like taking orders from people day in and day out. People don’t universally love their bosses and it has nothing to do with XX or XY chromosomes.

Lean In was written in a defensively first person tone and I found myself not liking Ms. Sandberg much. I don’t like the way she writes, I didn’t like that I spent money on a book that should have just been an essay and I really didn’t like that she knew people wouldn’t like her and set it up so that critics would automatically be the bad guys because no one likes a strong woman.

I can’t even be bothered with the parenting advice from this one. Peppered throughout the book are references to the fact that she almost always has dinner with her kids. Which is awesome. Kids are totally looking for dinner companions.

If you’ve heard Sandberg speak you’ve read the book. There are no nuggets of wisdom hidden there unless you’re looking for her job, in which case you should totally buy the book.

Every so often an author emails me with a book they’ve written that I find simply irresistible. Some of them I enjoy reading and I’ll write up a review on Amazon or some similar site, a very few of them grab my attention so wholly that I share them here with you.

Jennifer Margulis is an investigative reporter who wrote a book called The Business of Baby: What Doctors Don’t Tell You, What Corporations Try to Sell You, and How to Put Your Pregnancy, Childbirth, and Baby Before Their Bottom Line.
It sounded like so much more hippie dippie stuff and I’ve already had my kids (with a shit-ton of pain relief Thank You Very Much) but she dropped something in that first email, “and encourage moms to spend money on entertainment ultrasounds despite the medical risks…”

If my brain had a soundtrack you’d have heard a record player screeching. “What medical risk?” I had a zillion ultrasounds because my kids were born 20 and 24 days after their due dates (which I maintain are still very random dates). So Jennifer and I engaged in the best kind of conversation, the kind where we sort of fall in love with each other’s brains and you think it’s horrible that she doesn’t live in Los Angeles but let’s face it. The Pacific Northwest is not somewhere I’ll be finding myself any time soon.

So I did what I do best. I read the book quickly and voraciously and as I’m prone to doing with Vinnie & Anna I sent poor Jennifer random text messages as I was reading her work. She dutifully responded and I’m pretty sure every time she had to text me she was thinking: this is a lot of work to sell a book.

It’s fascinating and upsetting much in the way Food Inc was riveting and traumatic. There is much I agreed with and some that I’ll research further on my own but it’s a topic worth researching. I hope you’ll give it a read. Here’s a brief interview with the author.

JG: I’ve already had my babies, why do I need this book?

Jennifer  Margulis: You don’t. But you kept texting me to tell me you couldn’t put it down. [I did do that]

I mean, it’s more than just a wake up call to people having kids now, the book is investigative journalism exposing the widespread conflicts of interest in the medical world that twists our parenting away from the methods that get the best results and towards the ones that get the best profits. I think everyone can benefit from understanding what’s broken about our system. I would even venture to say that people who aren’t parents and have no intention of becoming parents, and those of us who don’t have vaginas should read this book…

JG: Okay… but also it makes me really uncomfortable to think that I didn’t give my kids the best possible start to life. Why should I be made to feel that way?

JM: Mine didn’t either. It makes me uncomfortable and sad that my baby was born doped up on drugs, taken away from me immediately, and scrubbed with soap that contains formaldehyde. I had no idea until I started this investigation, that the baby soap we use in hospitals today has so many toxic ingredients, including formaldehyde, which is also used to embalm dead people. I wish I were making that up. But just because we wish it were otherwise doesn’t mean we should keep my head in the sand and pretend it was all for the best.

But, Jessica, you didn’t do anything wrong. It’s not parents who are the problem, it’s the system. The book is designed to empower parents. It might still make you uncomfortable — I can’t tell you how many nights I lay awake furious or disturbed or sad because of what I had learned the day before — but it reveals what we all need to know to make the system better, safer, and more evidence-based.

JG: I am never ever going to have kids without an epidural. In fact I’d like to channel Betty Draper and drink and smoke through my pregnancy. I’m scared of being pregnant, will this book make it worse?

JM: I don’t have an epidural when I’m having sex because I want to feel it. If I didn’t like sex, I’d probably want an epidural. There’s a difference between pain and suffering. Laboring without an epidural so you feel what’s happening in your body can be painful, but it’s good helpful pain that you feel for a reason. You respond to it — by moving your hips, trying to climb the wall, swearing at your partner. And the movement and shifting helps your baby descend the birth canal. At the point that you are sure you can’t take one more second of it, you’re usually almost finished. A few minutes later your contractions will change and you’ll be pushing your baby out, which is one of the most powerful and primal feelings in the world. It’s addictive. I dare you to try it! You’ll end up having a bunch more kids. Of course if a woman is suffering or exhausted, an epidural is a good option. It’s a wonderful tool when it’s needed. But birth is not meant to be suffering. Best kept secret: unmedicated labor actually gets you feeling higher than drugs. Your body is coursing with oxytocin, endorphins, and adrenaline at the end to help give you the surge of energy you need to push the baby out.

I had an epidural with my daughter and the nurses refused to lower the medication when I asked them to, my leg was numb for weeks afterwards, and I got a third degree tear and painful bleeding hemorrhoids. Then I had a baby without an epidural and the whole experience was actually less painful (partly because my water broke during my first labor so right from the beginning the contractions were excruciating.) I don’t like pain and I’m not particularly tough. But when I learned that you could have fun in labor by having good support, keeping a sense of humor, and paying attention to what is going on in your body, I realized that giving birth can actually be enjoyable.

JG: In my area we just don’t talk back to doctors. Is this even realistic?

JM: A recent study showed that some two thirds of parents don’t always follow the advice they get from doctors. Instead of talking to our medical providers, we nod and smile, and then do things the way we know is best for our kids. We deal with the doctor the way we deal with our mother-in-law! But wouldn’t it be better to have an honest dialogue? Before we moved to the West Coast, we had a fantastic doctor who would come into the room and ask, “So, what’s wrong with the baby?” I answered: “That’s what I came here to ask you.” He said, “You tell me.” So I told him, “I think she has a staph infection around her mouth.” He nodded and said, “Yep, you’re right. So what are we going to do about it?” By this point I was a bit exasperated. “That’s what I came here to ask you!” I protested. “No, you tell me,” he said. And I told him what I thought — that maybe she needed antibiotics but that I wasn’t sure. Together we made a plan. I got a prescription but waited one more day. The rash cleared up by itself. That’s medical care at its finest, I think. This doc spends as much time with each patient as needed. And you’ve probably figured out by now that he’s losing money for his practice.

JG: I want to give this book to my daughter/daughter-in-law/neighbor/friend. How do I do that without them thinking I’m barging in on their life?

JM: Good question. When you find an awesome skin cream or eat at a great new restaurant and recommend it to your friends and family, you’re not barging in on their lives, you’re just sharing a discovery. I guess if you approach it like that … by saying, “This is a book I wish I had when I was pregnant,” and telling them what you learned from it. That way you’re sharing information and a new discovery, not trying to tell them what to do. That make sense?

I’m not saying that you need Cottonelle. I’m not even saying that you should be using Flushable Wipes because that would be rude and intrusive and might imply that your personal care habits are sub-par. I would never say that to you.

However, if you’re reading this and thinking Puhleez I don’t need wipes I’m an adult and toilet tissue has been fine my whole life and I’m not gonna change then maybe it’s time to just give some consideration to adding a little something to the regimen.

Toilet tissue alone is sort of like washing your car without any water.

The folks at Cottonelle are giving away a two month family supply of products to one of my readers. It includes Contonelle Clean Care (12 Rolls), Contonelle Clean Care (24 Rolls), and 4 Cottonelle Fresh Care Wipes.

I’ve made it super easy for you to enter. Good luck!

If you’re looking for a giveaway with a little more value go to Cottonelle and enter to win a $10,000 bathroom makeover.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

There really isn’t much to say about this one.

If you have Rheumatoid Arthritis the chances are pretty good that you live with a certain amount of pain. My doctor is always asking what it is on a scale of 1 to 10 and I’m pretty content at a 1 or a 2. I’ve learned to live with it and enjoy my life. Maybe I’ll get into remission one day but it’s entirely possible that I won’t and my life will still be filled with mostly great days.

After the initial diagnosis I got immediate relief from various medicines. Some of them worked like miracles for me and others didn’t work so well. I take a few pills each day and most of the time I forget that I have RA. I have little aches and pains that acupuncture does a good job of lessening. Every 25 days I have to give myself an injection. Every 25 days I feel like a patient. Twice a year that injection isn’t covered by insurance (it’s only FDA approved for use every 30 days) so twice a year I beg every physician I’ve ever met for a sample since it’s a $2,500 injection. Twice a year I get really bitter.

In any event I’ve had a good year or so and I’d upped my tennis to about four days a week. I was playing well and loving it until my elbow started hurting a bit so I slowed down. When I slowed down to twice a week my elbow hurt less but it still hurt so I went ahead and booked the acupuncturist twice a week and added another tennis match to the schedule.

I suspect you’re seeing the problem here?

Well I went ahead and bought a tennis elbow strap. I’m always seeing people in them and my FSA covered it so I thought I’d give it a go. It worked miracles so I added another day a week.

Now I’m back to four days a week of tennis plus an elbow strap and two days a week of acupuncture. I’m uncomfortable, after a match my pain is at a 3 or a 4 but I have Celebrex so I can knock it down to a 2-3 and add a little ice. I enjoy tennis. I love to compete and I’m going to just ignore this elbow and live my life.

I had a terrible plan.

About a month ago I was playing a match and my racket fell out of my hand. My stomach dropped, that’s exactly what happened when I was first diagnosed with RA. I picked up my racket and finished the match. The next day I played again and every time I hit the ball it was like the ball was hitting my elbow and I was fighting back tears.

I finished the match. This is a sign of weakness not strength. I was too embarrassed to tell my opponent that I was in a lot of pain and needed to stop. I hate having part of my body not work and my refusal to acknowledge it makes everything worse.

I went home, iced my elbow, took my first Tramadol in nearly a year and called the doctor. An appointment confirmed it is, in fact, tennis elbow and it’s an injury that typically develops over the course of several years and may take up to a year to heal.

So then I left and got into my car and cried.

I’ve begun OT, I’m resting and icing and taking fists full of anti inflammatories but I’m upset with myself that I keep repeating the same pattern and seem to never learn. Three months ago this might have been a much smaller injury. I’ve just put a three month hold on my tennis club membership. I’m guessing I’ll need more months off than that.

The problem is that I listen to my body and then I basically talk back to it. The conversation sounds something like this:

Hey, I’m your elbow and this is hurting me you should probably ask the doctor why. 

Oh, I’d love to treat you well but right now I need some endorphines so can you shut up and play tennis please? 

Sure, but I’m going to hurt again all afternoon so be sure to listen to me then. Okay? 

Okay. I promise I will. 

And then, you know… I’ve lied to myself, ignored it all and I’m left with this mess.