I’m Not Thankful

11.25.09

I’m supposed to spend the day today talking about how Thankful I am. I’m supposed to say that it’s wondeful that Jane popped out of bed all healthy this morning, begging me to go to school.

I’m supposed to say that I’m thrilled that I can finally take a deep breath, and that my lungs are finally clearing.

I’m supposed to be grateful that I have a husband I adore, and who makes me laugh.

I barely slept last night because the steroids make me jittery, but I slept a little because of the benadryl I’m taking for the rash.

I sat downstairs on my family room sofa, shivering under a blanket and wishing I could sleep. When I lie down I literally feel like I’m drowning in my own mucus and I started to cry, then I felt congested sitting up too. And as I gasped for breath, alone on my sofa, I sobbed uncontrollably because a few weeks ago I was sitting on that sofa with Anissa. Who also cannot breathe.

I don’t feel grateful or lucky or even okay.

I feel like somehow G-d forgot about her, and like all she ever did was give of herself, oh except on the days when she gave a little more.

So I’m sorry if I can’t be all sparkly today, but I’m finally not sick and maybe a little more in touch with my feelings than we’d all like. And well, I’m having a crisis of faith.

It’s easy to have right now. It’s just wrong.

An Amazing Day

11.18.09

Today I was lucky enough to film yet another Dr. Phil episode. I will be sure and update everyone about the air date, and when it does air I’ll give you a little more detail. I am absolutely exhausted, so I want to tell y’all a few quick things. Dr. Phil and his staff are consistently lovely. Robin Mc Graw is otherworldly, when I think of a Southern Belle I think of a woman like her. Strong and solid, no bullshit, and OhMyGawd is she put together.

I think the show went well, and I love that they follow up with guests who appear to need help. Menschen.

Unfortunately our sweet Anissa does not appear to be doing well. I worry about her, her children, her husband and her friends. The thought of Anissa not responding to touch terrifies me, and really, I don’t have the emotional fortitude to say any more about it.

So the day was wonderful. The day is awful.

My children are healthy, my husband is a wonderful man. I am am counting my blessings and feeling like one raw nerve. It is a strange day.