I’m Completely Unable to Keep My Commitments

06.18.13

I just don’t have enough hours in the day.

Jane is now a seasoned CIT with exactly one day of work under her belt. When I picked her up from camp yesterday at three she plopped into the passenger seat and started talking. At 4.30 she stopped talking. It was abrupt, she was finished. She had observed that five year olds don’t have filters and they tell you the truth. They also tell the truth when playing things like Fireball. They admit to being out when the ball grazes them. She thinks that kindergarten will cure them of their honesty in both good and bad ways. Five year olds are cute, really cute (according to Jane) and she is convinced that her group is the cutest group because their moms are all models. This may or may not be true I’ll need to call the owners of the camp.

This morning Jane wasn’t feeling well and didn’t want to go to camp. She wasn’t sick, just worn out. Completely worn out. Alexander is trotting off to tennis camp joyfully and still somehow has energy to spare.

The kids don’t have homework in the summer, which is obviously fantastic, but I hadn’t realized just how much I relied on that quiet homework hour to get my own stuff done. I’m behind on posts, I barely use twitter anymore and don’t even ask me about exercise. I’m just behind on my life.

I spent the morning filming for a show I can’t tell y’all about but here’s a hint, it’s part of Glass Elevator Media and it’s going to force you outside your comfort zone (I know, shocking). After filming the talent and I (I’m so Hollywood that I can’t tell you her name but I can call her The Talent) went to lunch to talk about what had just happened and sat down next to two women I’d gone to middle school with. These ladies are perfectly maintained (not surgeried but they look pampered) which made me think that I need to get my ass in gear. This whole “natural” look isn’t doing me any favors.

Tangentially, I’ve been to Australia twice this year and recently wrote a post for iVillage AU about the onset of my Rheumatoid Arthritis. I’m really not sure how to talk about it today because I am in a completely fucked up place with my hands but I just read the world’s whiniest post ever about living with RA and it leaves me with little sympathy for the people I have the most in common with. Does that even make sense? Also Kelsie is having a hard time and it makes a little joint stiffness seem like a cake walk. Part of me just aches with empathy for her and the other part of me is aggravated that I can’t visit, not at her, just really annoyed by the situation. I get the fuck cancer sentiment, I really do.

I’m going to miss the Window’s Champion Webinar today because I’m the worst Champion that Windows ever hired but I can tell you one thing you need for summer travel. XE has an app for Windows 8 and it’s fantastic. I’ve always used XE.com for currency conversion. The app features live rates but it also stores your latest update so if you’re out of range (as travelers tend to be) it will still work. Also if you’re headed off to school and have a .edu email address Microsoft will chip in 10% of the cost of a new computer when you set up a chip in campaign.

microsoft chipin

I’ve got to grab Jane from the movie theater, she and her friend Rob are seeing The Purge (you can judge me now) and then pick up Alexander from camp. I’ll throw some food his way and then take the kids to a screening of Monsters U. I’m going to not sleep in the movie. I’ve learned to try and set attainable goals for myself.

 

Things I Didn’t Share on Facebook Today

02.7.13

Danah Boyd writes about mourning and public-ness

E. Gabriella Coleman shares her book Coding Freedom

Can we trick cancer cells into suicide?

Two Finnish Journalists ride a bus and poop their pants… on purpose… take that Al Roker and your shart.

Megan Phelps has left the Westboro Baptist Church. Is it even possible that God doesn’t hate Fags?

Life has been found under the Antarctic for the first time.

And this is what it looks like when a Marine gets his M1 Garand returned after 50 years

 

And finally, everyone knows that Beyonce wants this picture removed from the Internet

beyonce wants pictures removed from the interwebs

 

And this one too

beyonce wants this picture removed from the internet

 

This would be a good time to remind folks of the import of the Streisand Effect.

I Don’t Know Cancer

10.24.12

I made my way over the Kelsie this afternoon for a visit. She’s not feeling well for a bit after her treatments so finding time to visit in the window before her chemo is a necessity. Of course I’m competing with much needed naps and necessary errands so it’s about shoehorning a bit of time in between things that are more urgent.

I don’t really know what cancer is. I mean I understand that it’s a mutation which creates tumors and unchecked death. I understand how we treat it to some degree but what I don’t understand, what I can’t possibly understand is what it’s like to put your life on hold while you suffer through treatments that are near deadly themselves.

Kelsie was explaining a bit of the culture of cancer to me and I couldn’t wrap my head around it. I guess I’m busy looking at her and thinking how great it is that she has eyelashes and perfect skin. I can’t see a stomachache or fatigue so I get to pretend it isn’t there. It’s not that I’m trying to be Miss Merry Sunshine rather it’s that I can’t understand what I can’t see. I try to imagine but then I don’t let my brain stretch too far because it’s painful to imagine my friend in agony.

So I sort of see the surface. And I assume we all do to some extent.

I see Kelsie and go home and examine my breasts doe the first time not ignoring my armpits where she had also found a lump. I feel a little panicked because she’s the strongest woman I know and if that motherfucker cancer could invade her body then no one is safe.

I find myself talking too sweetly and then I check myself. Kelsie isn’t dying, she’s a little spacey but in fairness I’ve showed up on the wrong day once already this week and will probably do the same next week. I try to pretend like everything’s normal because this is the new normal. It’s not normal though and even though it’s comfortable it’s only comfortable because of who we are, not because of where we are in time and space.

I come home looking to escape with a good blog and read that Dawn is having a first treatment for her cancer, her melanoma, and I go back to the bathroom to re-examine my breasts and also now every spot on my body including this one odd freckle on my foot. I curse my tan lines and my olive skin and have a moment, just a fleeting moment, of self awareness where I realize that I don’t know cancer, we don’t know cancer because we’re afraid. The folks we love so much are living our worst nightmare and if we look too closely we’re scared we’ll catch it. Maybe not catching the cancer, but catching the pain, and that shit’s scary.

BRCA Mutations, Difficult Decisions and Assholes… yep assholes

10.2.12

I got so irritated today that I made a video. I didn’t snarl… but in my head I did.

So I Saw The Book of Mormon Yesterday

09.6.12

And it was weird.