Eclipse Review: As Viewed By a Tween’s Mother

06.30.10

Eclipse is bad in every way. It is heavy handed, poorly written, and poorly acted. Eclipse is unique in that it is also a horrible place to take a $48.50 nap.

Jane is a huge fan of the Twilight series, she begged me to take her to a 12.01 am showing of Eclipse, which was okay in theory, except that it was my thirteenth anniversary. To further complicate things, I’d be flying back from Detroit that morning, which means no sleep, but rather a series of naps. Eclipse is sucktastic for a mom who wants to nap.

I watched the opening of the show, Edward and Bella kiss in a meadow of crocuses and the sunlight radiates from his every pore as they kiss. Which is odd, aren’t the girls supposed to glow? The dad is supposed to be funny, but appears to be robotic. When the director shoots in all gray, we’re dealing with vampires. Which is exactly how I’d shoot it except there’s one problem, I’m a housewife not a director. There was some dialogue, some crappy cakey makeup, and a glimpse of a plot that I challenge anyone over fifteen to care about, and then there was sleep. Blessed sleep, because Jane took off her sweatshirt, and I was able to roll it up into a pillow and take a nap.

Except that Eclipse audiences are screamers. They scream every time they see… I don’t know what they see, because my eyes were closed and I was jittery from not having slept, but suffice it to say they are a loud audience.

I’m going to talk to Jane and her friend today about the message of the movie. Apparently Bella wants to give up being human so she can be with Edward. I need to explain to these girls that falling in love and being with a man doesn’t mean giving up anything.

The movie was stunning in it’s mediocrity, and the audience was stellar in it’s devotion to teenage vampires.

I love my daughter, a lot. That was rough.