Phil is a Douche

02.3.14

I’m sitting in the waiting area of the car wash in Toluca Lake right now. Mr G is en route to LAX. His flight was delayed but not canceled so I’m giving his car a wash to make his homecoming a bit easier. Breezier if you will.

I was up at 5am and it’s currently 5pm so it’s possible that my candor comes from exhaustion as it’s been ten days without a partner in crime or perhaps from hunger. I forgot to eat lunch.

The line to pay the cashier was moving slowly because there was a little bearded hipster driving an Audi SUV who wanted them to “re-wax” the horrible job that they did.

When the cashier hurried away to ask a manager about how much to charge him I said to him, “That does not look promising.”

And he went on with quite a diatribe about how it’s his boss’ car and not his credit card and they didn’t do a good job and he didn’t want to get in trouble.

Naturally I followed up and asked him what it was like to be a personal assistant. He replied with, “I’m actually an intern.”

“So you’re in college?” I asked. “You’re getting cars washed for college credit?”

He told me which college he attended and it’s a well-known film school. He explains that he worked for a guy named Phil who needed his car washed. He explained to me that it’s a very expensive Audi (it’s not, it’s a mom car). The bearded hipster was nervous.

Without thinking I looked him dead in the eye and said, “Phil is a douche.”

Bearded hipster intern looked at me and his eyes bugged out almost like we were in a cartoon. It was truly a remarkable moment so I took advantage of having his attention and continued my diatribe. “Phil should wash his own car you’re not a personal assistant you’re an intern. You’re supposed to be learning about TV or film and you’re supposed to be doing actual work not going to a car wash.”

I took a breath before continuing, “How much are you paying to wash Phil’s car? Are you paying for an education?”

He then muttered something about having actual work and reading scripts and thinking aloud that he might be learning something. I think I put him on the defensive.

Unable to resist one last potshot I mentioned, “Well I guess you’ve learned how to not be Phil when you’re successful.”

Oddly he didn’t thank me for my input. But seriously folks? My kids are going to intern one day. If I hear they’re washing mid level executive’s cars there will be hell to pay.