If You Must Have a Mommy Makeover Buy A New Lipstick. The End.

08.28.14

There have been a rash of publicists emailing Mom Bloggers asking them they’d like a Mommy Makeover. Maybe they think that since the kids went back to school we are all going to collectively look in the mirror and shriek, “What happened to me!?”

If, like me, you’ve enjoyed the summer with your kids, you’re probably past due a trip for a haircut but nicely tanned and looking relaxed. Not to worry, the Mommy Makeover can fix that too. They’ll fix everything, whether it needs fixing or not.

By far my favorite predatory Mommy Makeover came from Lucid PR. Thanks for this one kids. Because it shows the absolute cruelty that is used to sell women things that most of us don’t need.

Sit back and let Lucid PR demonstrate to you why we need real journalists (I am not one). I have added my thoughts in italics.

image001

This is the photo they sent.

“Mommy Makeover” for our stressed-out moms, heading back to school

With a new school year approaching, moms are getting busy — new uniforms, school supplies, PTA meetings, soccer practice, homework help, lunch duty… The list goes on and on, leaving our moms stressed out, tired, and rundown. Or they might be energized, invigorated and excited for their children and a return to routine. 

That’s why moms are turning to Metro MD’s “Mommy Makeover,” two treatments to get them revamped and re-energized for the new school year.  Many traditional makeover remedies (like the “nip tuck”) merely offer the appearance of youth. Every time I want to appear younger I go to a surgical center and have something lopped off my body, you too? But the “Mommy Makeover” isn’t just about looking better – it’s about feeling healthier, stronger, and more energized.  Here’s how it’s done:

1.      Hormone Replacement Therapy– As moms age, they experience a decline in growth hormone, leading to weight gain, reduced energy, forgetfulness, hot flashes, and mood swings.  Hormone replacement therapy corrects this imbalance, helping moms look and feel healthier and return to school with the energy they’ll need. Oh this is awesome according the Mayo Clinic the only side affects we should worry about with HRT are heart disease, stroke, breast cancer and blood clots. Thank goodness we have publicists to help us make these decisions. 

2.      PRP and CO2 Laser for Skin Resurfacing – Lets face it, being a mom is a stressful job – way more stressful than a kid.  With their busy schedules, moms don’t always have the time to take care of themselves, allowing wrinkles to creep in and skin health to suffer.  PRP and CO2 laser treatments regenerate aging skin and give moms their glow back. Oh, that’s right. Wrinkles come from not taking care of yourself. It has nothing to do with getting older or maybe smiling. As to PRP? Well, it has the same predicted outcome as ice and rest for joint injuries but don’t let scientific research get in the way of getting spendy.  

WHAT WE CAN OFFER

·        Interview(s) with moms using the “Mommy Makeover” to get ready for the school year

·        Interview with Metro MD, which offers the latest in hormone replacement and stem-cell-based therapies

 And just for giggles I’m including an email thread from earlier in the summer.

mommy makeover

mommy makeover response

It reads:

Hello Jessica,

Our company, Rejuvenic LA, is giving away a free Mommy Makeover to one lucky mom in the Los Angeles area. The Mommy Makeover includes a breast augmentation, tummy tuck, and vaginal procedures that are required or beneficial – you can view our contest on our Facebook: [redacted].

We would like to see if you would be interested in helping us promote our contest through social media, your website, or whatever works best for you.

Thanks!

Jane

And I respond:

You want me to help you carve somebody up and then pretend like they are lucky?

I am a good marketer, but I am not that skilled.

It’s Not Like You Need ALL Ten Toes: Plastic Surgery for High Heels

12.3.12

The title of CBS News’ story is Women Undergoing Foot Surgery to Fit into Heels Better. I saw it and thought, “Old news. Everyone gets those collagen injections into the balls of their feet so they can toddle around in sky high heels. Some women have collagen injections to make their feet look younger.” But I was wrong. It’s actually more invasive than some random injections.

Apparently the ladies of New York City are asking surgeons to shorten their toes so that they can fit into high heels.

I find this fascinating. Now keep in mind that I’m not in the shoe business so I don’t know everything there is to know about shoes, but I wear them and lord knows I buy them but… I’m pretty sure shoes come in sizes. Lots of sizes. Big sizes, small sizes, wide sizes, narrow sizes, medium sizes and Dr. Seuss Sizes. There are shoes to fit every foot.

I think (correct me if I’m wrong) that rather than lopping off the part of a foot that provides balance these women could [gasp] buy a larger shoe.

I’m also totally confused about how a toeless New Yorker would resolve the peep toe issue?

Of course I’m just a blogger and I’m not a physician.

There are some acceptable reasons that women would opt to get cosmetic surgery on their feet, including painful bunions or deformities, Dr. William Spielfogel, the head of podiatry at Lennox Hill Hospital in New York and a member of the New York State Podiatric Medical Association, said to CBSNews.com In Brenner’s patient’s case, the especially elongated toe cwas causing corns and ulcers that could get infected. Both doctors said when they decide to take on foot surgery patients it is because there is a medical need.

And then I remember that there are also physcians who think that women’s labia need trimming. And just when I think that we’ve done ourselves in I get a text from the always insightful Jonathan Bell that reads:

Please tell your sisters that men don’t give a shit. To be honest, I don’t know if i’ve ever really looked at a woman’s feet. Even one I’ve dated for years. Sad? Maybe. But true.

And then the world felt normal again.

 

Motherhood and Tummy Tucks

06.9.11

Recently the world had a collective tantrum when a mother pretended to us all that she was injecting Botox into the face of her eight year old daughter. There was the anticipated media frenzy as well as a full-fledged social media firestorm condemning the mother, condemning the pageant culture and calling for law enforcement to protect the child.

It was the reaction everyone expected. Children should not have Botox. End of story.

There are things that we do as adults that children cannot or should not do. We drink alcohol, we smoke cigarettes, we get Botox, Restalyne and Juviderm. Some people get tattoos, others spend a good amount of money removing them. We pierce our ears and we pierce our faces. There are implants to enlarge breasts, hips, buttocks, and penises. Vaginal rejuvenation is a popular surgery, though I remain puzzled by it.

When I was 27, newly married and trying to get pregnant I stopped smoking, I quit drinking soda, coffee and most processed food. I ate and drank only organic and I felt good about the decisions. My children were both born healthy and had a robust first years.

As the children separated from me physically I gave them organic baby foods, used nontoxic cleansers , guarded their sleep time and slathered them in sunscreen. I wanted to give my children the best possible chance to be physically well. At the same time I was sucking down coffee, sneaking cigarettes and never getting enough sleep.

I love my children. We love our children and we protect them. If only we could love ourselves.

At 35 I started noticing that my eyes looked a little tired and I started hearing women refer to “marionette lines” around the mouth. I looked at myself in the mirror and saw someone 35 looking back at me. I looked at my girlfriends and they looked refreshed.

Two years later they didn’t look just refreshed, they looked startled and fluffy faced. I’m not really sure how to explain what happens to a woman’s lips when they’re overly puffed up. It changes her face and as she loses clear definition of her philtrum (Cupid’s Bow) she begins to look ape like and distorted. At the same time she looks more and more like actresses of a certain age, and since they are celebrated for their beauty, this must be beautiful. We believe.

Now at 41 my phone rings. Not once or twice but a half dozen times my girlfriends call, they are planning tummy tucks and breast lifts. I suggest a really expensive bra and a girdle, but they talk about how having children ruined them and that they want to wear a bikini again. I suggest kindly that a full life can be had without wearing a bikini or that they should wear one anyhow. No one cares what we look like, we just think they do. No one listens to me and they make appointments to carve up their perfectly unbroken bodies.

Reaching utter exasperation I finally risk it all with a friend. One evening at night I let loose and lecture her. “I need you to do me a favor and go to your daughter’s bedroom. I want you to look at her while she sleeps in her bed and imagine now that while she is sleeping a doctor will cut a line around her midsection, discarding her belly button and then he’ll pull her loose skin up like a pair of pants and sew it all back together.”

She gasped. I continued, “Everything you do to your body your daughter will do to hers. Every time you disfigure yourself at the doctor’s office your daughter is watching. Does she look imperfect to you? Does she need to be fixed?” And then I went on to tell her that she was perfect and beautiful and valuable and that she needn’t hack her body to bits.

A year later she got the surgery.

Honey, Do You Think I Have A Pretty Vagina?

04.19.09

You know how there’s always that one guy who likes to go to a bar, drink too much and pick a fight with the puny guy in the corner? I’m a little like that. I like to have a second glass of wine and ask my husband a question that will make him squirm.

Don’t judge me, I find it entertaining.

Last night I said to my husband, “How does my vagina look to you?”

He gave me a befuddled look I’m familiar with, and then he started checking out the ceiling (I think he worries about roof leaks). With a huge sigh, he said, “It looks like a vagina. It’s a hole with some stuff around it.”

“Right, but how does it look compared to other ones?” (this question is a little like an IQ test)

“I don’t know what other ones look like. Why are you asking me me this?” He stifled a giggle and I realized he had, in fact, passed my IQ test.

“Because I saw that labiaplasty is the number one plastic surgery. I’m wondering why.”

My husband had no answer for me. I did a quick google search on Labiaplasty and found this site, I’m adding no follow tags to it, because the thought of providing them more traffic kills me.

As far as I can tell, labiaplasty is designed to make adult women look like little girls. What does it say about the mother of a little girl when you’re busy pulling your public hair out and tucking your genitals up?  If you’re a 25 year old porn star trying to look seventeen, labiaplasty just might be for you.

I’m not against plastic surgery, not by a long shot (I’m just too afraid of pain), but I’m trying to understand what could make a woman think that she needs to “fix” her vagina, and if there is a woman physician performing this procedure.

My Looks Are Fading and It’s Okay With Me

01.27.09

“My looks are fading.” She said. It wasn’t meant to illicit pity, nor was she fishing for a
compliment. It was a statement of fact, a pragmatic woman who is looking for a
few fillers in the creases around her mouth and a dab of botox around the
corners of her eyes.

Yes, your looks are fading, so are mine.

We’ve known each other our entire lives, we’re staring at
39, we’ve fed babies and watched our perky breasts settle into sad parodies of
their former selves. Our waists have stretched and mostly flattened out again,
but, still we are looking at forty. She is fearful, I am free.

You see, she was the pretty girl, I was the entertaining one.



Much like Diane Keaton I wasn’t the pretty girl, so I did
have to work on my fucking personality. In middle school it wasn’t fun with all
the Stacie’s who dotted their i’s with bubble hearts and teased their flawless
blonde hair so that it waved at the sky just so. I didn’t rely on my looks, as I was the vaguely ethnic child
in a sea of blondes with frizzy hair that didn’t want to cooperate, I never felt
ugly, but I knew I wasn’t the pretty one.

Perhaps my unprettiness will save me from myself. I’ve botoxed and recovered nicely, I’ve
tried wearing makeup and toyed with the idea of an eyelift. I’ve talked
girlfriends out of surgeries, all the while wishing I could have one sans pain.
I feel sorry for my neighbors who have mutilated their faces, engorging their
lips and breasts and stretching the limits of their dermis. All over the
country they would be seen as surgical disasters, in my hometown of Los
Angeles, they are celebrated and put on television.

She trots off to the surgeon for a light dose of botox and a
half a vial of restalyne. She loves the restalyne and leaves a message in my
voice mailbox about how it’s the most wonderful thing anyone can do for themselves.
I should try pampering myself a little more.

Instead I take the $1,400 and spend a night in a swanky
hotel, with my husband and my kids. He can’t see my wrinkles, when we talk he’s
staring right into my eyes.