Poodle Pancreatitis


I missed everything Tuesday. I missed most of the afternoon Sunday, all of Monday and everything Tuesday too. I missed the LA Auto Show and I missed driving Toyota’s Mirai, the new Fuel Cell Vehicle. I missed out on participating in my own life because I have a poodle with pancreatitis.

In case you were wondering pancreatitis is diagnosed with four hours spent at the vet’s office and $387. Something happens to make it work out that way but I’m not sure what the actual logistics to it are nor do I much care.

Junior has been moaning, crying and not eating. He wouldn’t even drink milk which is a morning favorite. I hadn’t left him alone for more than a few minutes in days because the only way he would drink is if it was from my water glass and keeping him hydrated meant keeping him out of the hospital.

The vet and I talked at length about what could bring on pancreatitis. There’s always bum luck but rich fatty foods are often a contributing factor. Junior always gets my gristle, slyly and under the table, and the morning cup of whole milk is also a likely culprit. So basically we figured that, like most things in this house, it was all my fault.

I gave up days on my beloved treadmill desk to sit and work so that Junior could be on my lap. I listened to him cry and gave him beef flavored tramadol liquid. I wiped his ass (don’t ask) and repeatedly went on my hands and knees to clean the carpet where he vomited. I treated that dog like he was a baby in part because I’m wild about him and in part because I felt so terribly guilty about making him sick.

A photo posted by William Vega (@willibaldoea) on

Tuesday afternoon Junior suddenly perked up. He ate a little boiled chicken and rice and bopped around the kitchen a bit. For the first time in days he was off my lap and I wasn’t solely focused on him so I got about the business of cleaning my kitchen and just sort of stretching my legs when I heard a crunching sound. I’d only given Junior soft bland foods so I went to investigate what he might be crunching on and saw him licking his chops in front of the cat box.

He has been dining on this.


That’s right. Junior’s favorite treat is none other than silica gel cat litter. I think it’s safe to say that the whole milk isn’t what’s trying to kill him.

Now I’m entering a new nightmare zone. The cat litter crystals are the most amazing product on the market. There is zero odor coming from the cat box and, unlike cat sand, it doesn’t get tracked all over the house. Though to be fair it seems as though any litter that made it’s way to the floor was promptly gobbled up by Junior.

Cute but dumb. Dangerously so.





Dear Really Nice Orthodontist


I’m sorry I vomited all over your office today. I noticed that you stopped petting me after the kibble and water and bile sprayed all over your hand.

I do hope I’m still welcome there.


Gluten Free Junior


The kids are snacking on Goldfish and drop a few. I find myself standing in the kitchen screeching, “Don’t let the dog eat the Goldfish they have gluten.”

Because, of course, Junior is now gluten free. Let the mocking begin.

Junior was scratching. Not like a little but like OMG get that flea ridden beast out of here. I brought him to the groomer for flea dips and they assured me that there were no fleas. I kicked him out of my bed partly because I worried about infestation and partly because even a five pound dog shakes the bed a lot when he’s scratching.

That didn’t end well. He always comes back. 

the poodle in bed 

A girlfriend suggested that Junior might have a little allergy.

“To what?” I asked.

“Gluten.” She replied. I did my best to keep a straight face.

After a few more days I walked into one of those grooming stores that sells swanky dog food and rhinestone collars. I left with a bag of fishy smelling organic and gluten free food. To be perfectly fair Junior had been eating Newman’s Own which is grocery store food, but it’s the organic grocery store food.

The scratching magically stopped. Now I’m stuck buying swank dog food from a salon that’s closed on Sundays and Mondays and screeching if the dog eats gluten crumbs. This is not the life I’d expected.

Junior and the Doggy Dentist


A few months ago Junior started licking everything. He licked the air, your hands, your clothing, my bed linens, everything. I thought it might have been behavioral as the latest addition to our family is not a lover of dogs. A few weeks ago I noticed that in addition to licking Junior had bad breath. He didn’t have typical dog breath, but he had the sort of breath where you longed for a good whiff of his ass because his ass would smell so much better.

So I brought Junior to the vet and the vet recommended a scaling. I knew this would happen because I could see the build up on his teeth. I’ve been a poodle owner for more than half my life so I know that the little dogs are particularly problematic when it comes to dentistry. Those anethesia free teeth cleaning services aren’t a good plan for a little dogs for a variety of reasons.

Today was scaling day. I brought Junior to the vet at 7.30 this morning and I missed getting my kids up and out the door so the whole day was a little funky for me. At about 11am I got a call from the vet to let me know that Junior had infections in his gums. To make a very long story short Junior lost eight teeth, got four antibiotic packs, and I lost any hope of ever having diamond earrings.

Oh also, his leg looks like the lamb chop I’m about to have for dinner.

He’s on my lap and moaning and all I want to do is cry and suck down a glass of wine, but Sandy the sadist trainer said that alcohol consumption can slow down your metabolism by 36%. I don’t want to be the fat lady with the toothless poodle.