A Few Words From a Real, Live Motherfu*ker

11.21.13

Please enjoy this guest post from my friend James Fell. I’m thrilled that he decided to drop a motherfu*king bomb here.

It’s true, I am a motherfu*ker. In case you are unfamiliar with the term, it means I am a man who finds pleasure in having intercourse with a woman who is a mother. In my case, the woman in question is my wife and the mother to our two children.

I was prompted to write this piece in support of Noah Michelson’s story in the Huffington Post about him being a cocksucking [word I choose not to use because I am not one].

But there are people who use the word motherfu*ker who have never fornicated with a woman who has birthed and raised a child before. It’s important to put emphasis on the word “raised,” as simply evacuating a human being from one’s uterus does not a mother make.

And since we’re qualifying terms, simply having had sex with a women who is a mother doesn’t make one a motherfu*ker either. My best friend has never been married, fathered any children or, most importantly, helped raise any children. And yet, I know he has fu*ked some women who are mothers. This does not make him a motherfu*ker.

A true motherfu*ker is one who fu*ks a woman who is a mother, and is involved in helping that woman raise those children. It is not necessary that the person makes a genetic contribution to those children, and note that motherfu*ker is not a gender-specific term. There are many lesbians who are motherfu*ker.

Being a motherfu¢ker has a long history of shared pain. It’s our word, and people who haven’t been through the same struggles as we have need to stop using it. A person who is not a true motherfu*ker cannot understand what it really means to be a motherfu*ker.

Permit me to elaborate.

  1. A motherfu*ker has had to go for weeks or months without sex while sensitive body parts heal from the trauma of childbirth. This one is not a firm requirement, as raising adopted children can qualify a person for motherfu*ker status.
  2. Not only has the mother been too tired for sex due to late nights with a child who won’t Go the Fu*k to Sleep, but the motherfu*ker themselves have also been too tired to copulate due to children born on Tokyo time. Unless said children were actually born in Tokyo, in which case they were born on Kansas time.
  3. A motherfu*ker has had to forego spontaneity in their love life in exchange for, “He’s finally down for a nap. I think we might have time for a quickie.”
  4. A motherfu*ker has had to put a lock on the bedroom door.
  5. A motherfu*ker has had to listen to knocks on the bedroom door followed by the words, “What’s going on in there?”
  6. Once the child has learned “what’s going on in there,” the motherfu*ker has heard the words, “You’re disgusting!” and, “Stop that!”
  7. A motherfu*ker rarely gets to have sex on a family vacation. Especially if it’s a camping vacation.
  8. A motherfu*ker has been forced to learn to muffle their cries of ecstasy.

Now before anyone gets worried, Samuel L. Jackson does have a daughter, born in 1982, who he helped raise. He has every right to the use of the word motherfu*ker.

Unfortunately, however, Bruce Willis’ first child was born the same year Die Hard came out. Knowing that production almost certainly took place before the birth of this child, I’m afraid that his use of the phrase “Yippie ki-yay, motherfu*ker!” in said movie was inappropriate, and must be expunged from all existing copies. It can, however, remain in the Die Hard sequels, although nobody watches those.

Alec Baldwin did a bad thing in using that word I choose not to use, and he should give a wholehearted apology rather than make lame excuses. I also think he should be denied use of the word motherfu*ker, due to his questionable parenting skills.

I hope you see the sarcasm in this piece. This is actually a serious issue, and all kidding aside, people like Alec need to stop slurring people using terms loaded with so much hate. It makes them look like real motherfu*ker.

 

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samuel l jackson for muthafuckin president