Amateur Day at the Spa

12.30.11

After a walk in the hills with a friend and dumping dropping kids off various places I headed to the spa for a massage.

Not just any massage, the 80 minute deep muscle massage. I scheduled a bunch of free time before and after so that I could move through the steam, sauna and whirlpool.

Apparently I forgot the first rule of the spa. Never go to the spa on a weekend or a holiday week. It was unbelievable. I was clearly surrounded by women who were using their holiday gift cards. There was chatting in the sauna and swimsuits in the whirlpool. When I went into the steam room one woman was splayed out on the bench, legs spread wide and taking up space for three women while two others kept opening the door (to get cold wash cloths?) all the while checking their dangly earrings. Dangly earrings do not belong at the spa, they get in the way of massages, salt scrubs and facials. Furthermore they heat up in the sauna.

Who are these women and how did they make it to adulthood without understanding spa etiquette?

Why do I know that one of the ladies in the whirlpool has a middle child who is an overeater? Why did the publeless bench stealer in the steam room have to continually stand up to press the steam button after swimsuit clad women left the door propped open? Why did I know she had no pubic hair? Because the steam room door was open. The sauna should have been silent, it was not, women were asking each other why it was so hot. Because I’ve evolved they all lived to see another day.

If you got a spa gift card this month do me a favor please, use it this week because I’m headed back there mid January and I expect to see only experienced spa goers who schvitz in silence.