A Better Blogger Would Be Sharing a Blowjob Photo With You Right Now

06.10.13

This afternoon Junior needed a walk. Wait, let me rephrase that. This afternoon I took Junior on my short walk. Well, that’s not quite right either.

This afternoon I needed to bring my neighbors their mail (you see it’s quite often delivered to my home) and when Junior saw me reaching for the front door knob he started jumping and yipping and saying, “Take me! Take me!” in dog-ese so I put a harness and a leash on him and we walked together for a half a block and then he started hopping up and down my leg so I carried him the rest of the way. I don’t know what sort of walk that is, but it’s not a dog walk. It’s a Jessica walk with a dog in arms.

As I’m coming back to my own street at 2.30 in the afternoon I walk past Alexander’s friend’s house and notice a blue 3 series parked in front of it. In my best Mrs. Kravitz imitation I peer in the car window and see a middle aged man with an enormous paunch. He and I make clear eye contact (even through my sunglasses) and he doesn’t move at all. What does move is the head that’s bobbing up and down in his lap.

I survey the street and there are gardeners about 50 yards south of me and a construction crew another 5o yards north. I have no idea if this guy is trying to get caught, if he’ll freak out and get violent or if she might run out of the car. I’m not even convinced that the bobbing head belongs to a woman, it’s clearly very enthusiastic and it’s a woman’s shirt but it’s a broad back.

So I do what every surburban housewife worth her salt would do. I screamed in my lowest, loudest voice:

GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE YOU PIGS. PEOPLE LIVE HERE. WE DON’T WANT YOU ANYWHERE NEAR US!

And he drove away just as she was sitting upright.

The gardeners came running and I didn’t know the Spanish word for blowjob so I just said “puta”. They’re not interchangeable but they are I guess… whatever. My Spanish is limited, the men laughed.

I didn’t walk to my house until they had turned the corner but when I did I replayed the scene in my head a zillion times and kicked myself for not taking video.

What kind of blogger am I? I could’ve had a ton of hits by now on YouTube.

And in a related story a woman is riding the train on the East Coast and posting images of men there with warnings to their wives that they are cheaters. Srsly, get a grip. So intrusive. So not your business. Such a shitty way to treat people.

 

Windows Live Writer and Lemon Loaf Cake

10.3.11

 

Windows Live Writer

I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned it before, but I’m part of the Windows Champions Program. Basically I get to learn about windows all year long and I get the kickiest tech support a woman could ever ask for and in return I write a few blog posts a year telling y’all about how Windows can be part of your online life. Oh, they’re going to let me play with tons of tech too.

Our first webinar was about how to use hotmail and it was impressive. I’m using the interface a little bit and getting more comfortable with it. It’s possible that I’ll share it with everyone one day soon. I’ve got a video that I took… and a touch of ADD so we might not actually get there.

I missed the second webinar because they’re on Thursdays and everyone who knows me knows that I play tennis every Thursday for the rest of my life. I don’t work Thursdays, I never have, never will, and this will keep me out of therapy (that and the fact that I’m not particularly introspective).

The second webinar was about Windows Live Writer, which my friend Kristen had told me about. Actually Kristen had sort of raved about it with love in her eyes, so I was sad to miss that one.

A few days before the webinar I went and downloaded Live Writer (it’s a free download) and decided to check it out on my own. I don’t need a webinar to tell you that Windows Live Writer cut my blogging time by at least 30%. I no longer worry about a buggy connection, clicking through on a cumbersome dashboard or worrying that with WordPress what you see is not actually what you get (WYSIWYG).

I’m here typing my post into Windows Live Writer and when I’m done I’ll either hit publish or schedule it for later.

You may or may not have noticed that I’m using images much more often. You know why? Because you can just copy and paste images into this thing and they’ll resize for you. You can also watermark images, but I’m not all that concerned with anyone stealing my craptastic photos.

You can also use Live Writer for more than one account, so in theory I could be publishing here or at any number of other places. In reality I’m lucky I can get a post out here.

You won’t find Live Writer tutorials because there’s no need for one. It’s really that simple.

I would have completely forgotten about Windows Live Writer but for my neighbor not liking me. You see, my neighbor and I were at Kim Tracy Prince’s birthday party and she did not say hello to me. Since there were only a dozen of us there I was a little put out that she didn’t say hello. Naturally I didn’t say hello to her because I knew that she was irritated with me or she would have greeted me. Right? Right, work with me here.

So after the party I went home and explained to my husband that Romy doesn’t like me. He asked me if I said hello to her and I explained to him that I couldn’t possibly because she didn’t say hello to me and obviously… then he lost interest and muttered something about Mars and Venus.

I explained the scenario to my daughter who immediately understood. I told her that it was totally unacceptable for our neighbor to not like me and she nodded knowingly. When I was grating a thousand lemon rinds to make Julia’s Lemon Loaf Cake Jane looked at me and said, “Bring one of those to the neighbor and she’ll have to like you.”

So I grated a few extra lemons, actually if I’m going to be honest, Alexander grated a few extras. I brought the cake over to Romy who was surprised that I thought she was mad at me. Which clearly shows that she is a wonderful actress because I am never ever wrong. I gave her the cake and we chatted about blogging.

She spends a lot of time blogging. A lot. I explained to her that I’m a three hour a day girl and that if it can’t get done in that amount of time it doesn’t need to get done. Romy went on to tell me that she adds a lot of links and it’s time consuming… Oooh I can fix that! I practically jumped up and down clapping my hands. Try Windows Live Writer. Just do it, you’ll thank me.

And I’ll tell ya what, sometimes baking a cake doesn’t do a damn thing, but letting a blogger know how to manage their time, that’ll make them love you every time. Windows trumps Julia Childs in suburbia. Who knew?