I Took my Fake Gay Mexican Son Tampon Shopping in NYC

04.5.12

It’s one o’clock in the morning and I’m standing in Duane Reade scanning the shelves for the right tampons while my Fake Gay Mexican Son says, “Um… don’t you use something else.”

“It sort of surprised me this time.” I muttered. “Actually it’s surprised me every month for almost 30 years. And why am I talking to you about this?”

Mercifully my Fake Gay Mexican Son has about a dozen sisters and a mother he’s very close to so the conversation wasn’t as awkward as it should have been.

We’d just finished an amazing late snack of empanadas in Hells Kitchen with Mary. A well manicured Persian hipster ran his hand along my ass quite accidentally and apologized by opening his heavily lined eyes cartoonishly, flipping his hand to the side and saying, “It’s okay I’m GAY.”

I muttered something about everyone being gay… for a year at least in college everyone is. Subtext: leave my ass alone, you’re young and pretty but I’m old and jaded and not in the mood for this shit. Go to your room.

Our empanadas were amazing but it was strange to be in New York with my LA gym buddy eating El Salvadoran food that should have been better in Los Angeles where we have actual El Salvadorans living… I guess New York has a few too. The ones who want things like winter and rain. Maybe Los Angeles just has the smart El Salvadorans.

Before the empanadas we’d attended Oprah’s LifeClass with Tony Robbins and before that we’d had drinks and appetizers at Oceanic. My Fake Gay Mexican Son swooned over Mandy and I think he’s decided to be the next single girl/guy… we will never know because he’s busy writing papers about me and Kim Kardashian and passing them off to unsuspecting Ivy League Professors as cultural anthropology.

The child is about to get a PhD in pop culture and now I have to worry about my tampons showing up in a dissertation.

Oprah’s LifeClass Continues… New York City

04.3.12

I’m in the Rockette’s dressing room surrounded by hot lights. They’re kind to Rockettes and their makeup but not as kind to my computer and equipment.

Backstage at Radio City Music Hall is a wild place. The hallways are tiny, like an afterthought really. It’s an hold building and much like the Peabody Opera House in St. Louis the building is rich with history.

Thus far we’ve interviewed Deepak Chopra, toured the building and I’m waiting to meet with Tony Robbins. Deepak was unbelievably humble and I found it to be refreshing. When we asked him how he wrote so many books he said he was, “Obsessive compulsive and Neurotic”. I have zero expectations of Tony Robbins, because I’ve never really seen any of what he does.

I know you’ll enjoy the Deepak Chopra interview… hopefully I’ll have great video of Tony Robbins soon too.

The next Lifeclass begins shortly. I feel like Margaret Meade.

3 26 2012 St Louis Lifeclass - B Show

Win a Pair of Tickets to Oprah’s LifeClass with Tony Robbins at Radio City Music Hall

03.16.12

I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned the Oprah trip. Like if you were standing in line with me at the grocery store I was probably like, “Hey, did you see that O Magazine… and did you know I’m traveling with Oprah to St. Louis, New York and Toronto?” And then you rolled your eyes and were like Shut the fuck up lady but only in your head because one of us is polite.

I have some tickets to share for the LifeClass with Tony Robbins. It’s April 2 in the evening. I can’t guarantee that it will be as exciting as this one…


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The Day that Oprah Called: Well, her People Called

02.22.12

Almost two week ago you might have seen this on my facebook timeline.

oprah_called

And to be fair it wasn’t Oprah that called or I might have actually been nice when I answered.

It began like this:

ME: This is Jessica

OWN NETWORK: Hi this is [a really nice lady] from OWN the Oprah Winfrey Network.

ME: [still not interested, sure that it’s going to be another craptastic pitch] How are you doing?

OWN NETWORK: Great. I’m calling because of Oprah’s Lifeclass.

She went on to explain the Lifeclass for this year and how it’s going to be in St. Louis and in New York City and she would be on the road with Bishop T.D. Jakes, Iyanla Vanzant, Deepak Chopra and Tony Robbins. I continued not paying attention because I get these phone calls all the time and I don’t really cover events that I’m not at.

And then she said, “And we’d like you to travel with us.”

And she kept talking and I tried to not scream and I hadn’t written down her name, number email address or anything but I was able to stutter out, “I need to check with my husband but I really want to go.”

All the while I’m thinking, “I don’t care WHO takes care of the kids, it’s a total of nine non consecutive days, I’m not missing this!”

And then we didn’t talk again so I thought maybe I’d hallucinated.

And then we did talk again and I realized I was the luckiest woman in the world. When we talked more I saw that a handful of other bloggers would be on the tour. I made a twitter list of everyone involved (but of course you can’t add yourself to your own twitter lists) and I used a dormant twitter ID that you don’t need to follow.

So I’ll be in St. Louis and New York with Oprah and her traveling band of celebrities and overachievers. For now I’m panicking about what to wear, which should prove to you that I haven’t an ounce of common sense because what I should be doing is researching the incredible talent that is going to be taking this adventure with me.

Tickets are available this week only. It’s a lottery system so be sure to go to Oprah.com and get your tickets. I’d love to see some friendly faces. Here are some details from the site:

– The taping at Peabody Opera House in St. Louis will take place on Monday, March 26, 2012.
– The taping at Radio City Music Hall in New York City will take place on Monday, April 2, 2012.
– The time commitment for the afternoon taping in St. Louis is from 12:30 p.m. until 4:30 p.m. CT, featuring Bishop T.D. Jakes as the guest teacher.
– The time commitment for the evening taping in St. Louis is from 5:30 p.m. until 9:30 p.m. CT, featuring Iyanla Vanzant as the guest teacher.
– The time commitment for the afternoon taping in New York is from 12:30 p.m. until 4:30 p.m. ET, featuring Deepak Chopra as the guest teacher.
– The time commitment for the evening taping in New York is from 6:30 p.m. until 10:30 p.m. ET, featuring Tony Robbins as the guest teacher.