The Lesbian Theme and Things That Should Not Excite Me but Do


Apparently Virgin and William thought it would be “fun” to introduce me to a new writer. I devoured AM Homes’ novel This Book Will Save Your Life. I loved it for it’s uncomfortableness, disliked that she didn’t understand the geography of Los Angeles, liked that she understood the flavor of our city. I immediately downloaded another of her books, Music for Torching. I sat down on a Saturday morning, got to page 75 and declared it a wonderful read (because it is). I then proceeded to tell friends and acquaintances that I was reading the most wonderful book about suburbia.

And then I got to page 77 and the lesbian affair. The graphic lesbian affair that would let you know exactly how things are done. This is tame compared to some of the other pages and I’ve just recommended this book to women I know only through children’s sports. I’m pretty sure I never want to see any of them again… it was super porny.

I’ve ruined the gas grill. I often pride myself on completing difficult tasks, but this might be the most difficult yet. I set it on fire. Not the outside of the grill but the insides of the grill, there was fire and it just sort of disintegrated shortly after the flames were a meter high. When I started reading Music for Torching they (the husband and wife) use the grill to set their house on fire and presumably start anew. I found it wildly disturbing and not at all relatable, the only thing we have in common is that we can’t be trusted with a grill.

I picked up some beautiful porterhouse steaks from Whole Foods and was drying them in the refrigerator. They were absolutely perfect and last night I remembered that the grill was just a cadaver and needed replacing. Since I’m halfway through a road test for the Kia Rio and neither Mr G nor I have cars with flip down seats I decided to run to OSH and pick up a grill.

Of course I got to talking with the guys in the grill section and they were like, “This one is a gas grill, charcoal grill and smoker.” I asked them what a smoker is and they got all excited and twenty minutes later I was pulling the Kia up to the back for them to load up the grill. Junior and I were convinced it would fit. We made believers of them.

Of course unpacking it was another story all together. It was nearly impossible to remove from the car so I just slit the sides of the box with a razorblade and took the components out piece by piece. I listened to Howard Stern for three hours and at 11pm I had this.

Sometimes I wish I could put together an outdoor item a day. It’s just fun, like LEGOs but for grown ups. I went to bed tired but happy. Content really, it had been a pleasing day.

This morning the window washer arrived. He was a little late with a new helper so I wasn’t optimistic and then something amazing happened. He explained to me that his new helper was an ex roofer and was really good at walking on roof tiles, he could clean my skylights. I shouldn’t be this excited about clean skylights. No one should but I am. I’m actually overjoyed and I keep standing on my landing looking up to the blue sky and wondering how I ever got so lucky.

I’m a simple woman. Wash my windows, bring me joy.



I Was Late Everywhere Yesterday


Yesterday was supposed to be a busy day. I was supposed to be taping a video with a production company at 9.30 in the morning. This would have meant that I was going to have to get up at 6.30 so that I could look and smell good before getting the kids off to school.

My friend Yvonne was having a Healthy Child Healthy World event at her house from 10 to 12 and I figured I’d just get there as quickly as I could and maybe have an hour with my girlfriends.

At the very last minute my 4pm appointment turned into a noon appointment and the shoot was cancelled. Of course I had it in my mind that I was showing up at Yvonne’s house at 11 and I wondered if it was even worth going because I’d be there for just 30 minutes. If you’re paying attention you see the problem already.

I left in plenty of time to get to Yvonne’s house at 11 but there was construction and I got there at 11. 15 feeling really anxious about having just 10 or 15 minutes to stop in for a hug. Everyone was in the yard eating pizza and salad and I was like, “When is the demonstration?” and Yvonne patiently told me it was at 10. Which is when I immediately corrected her for not knowing what time her own party began and I just stood there confused.

I asked what I’d missed and the big thing was that kids with asthma should not be in the kitchen when you are cooking with a gas stove. Something is released into the air that irritates their airways. I’d never heard this but I also don’t have a child with asthma so it’s unlikely I’d know it. Now you know.

I gobbled some salad fast and ran off to my noon appointment. When I got there I signed in as a visitor and part of the sign in process is a pretty informal NDA. So I definitely am not telling  you that I had a meeting at a company that sounds like oogle. The meeting lasted about an hour but I think we could have chatted for three easily. I left there to go to Whole Foods in Venice.

Can I just say that on any given day if I had a thousand dollars to spend at the Whole Foods Market in Venice or at Barneys I’m not sure which one I’d choose. That market is spectacular.

I grabbed a tuna roll (no rice just greens) and felt horrible about it. Every time I eat tuna my brother asks me if I’m happy eating it because it might be the last tuna in the ocean. And I know that it’s terrible for me. Probably full of mercury and definitely not a sustainable catch but it’s cheap and easy and it’s absolutely everywhere. Plus according to scientists most of our fish is mislabeled anyhow so it’s possible I was eating dolphin meat. Hooray?

I wisely don’t grab a cart and leave Whole Foods having spent just $8.99. I am annoyed when the cashier doesn’t give me the penny back. I always tell them to leave the penny in case someone needs one but I am bugged that she didn’t offer me my money. She also asked me a lot of questions about my food, rolling it around in her hands and wanting to know what the ingredients are. It’s dolphin meat bitch, now give me my penny.

I eat and drive to acupuncture. My right hand is resembling a claw but since beginning acupuncture I have taken NOT ONE narcotic. How’s that for hocus poke-us? Eating in the car is horrible and I try to keep tons of water there because it’s easy to mistake thirst for hunger but I console myself in knowing that I’m three days into a sugar free and grain free lifestyle. Not even corn. I’m living on lean meats and green things with just a tinge of crankiness.

After acupuncture it’s time to get the kids. Jane has volleyball and Alexander just wants to play Pokemon with his friends. I’m relieved to see a large group of kids playing, it’s such a strange thing to be into that I want to know that it’s not just my son.

I go home freshen up and head out to Digital LA where I’m to be on a panel of Mommy Bloggers. I know. I cringe because of the Mommy thing and I show up anyhow because Ciaran will be there and Ciaran is smarter than I am so I go where she goes.

I stop at Tiffany & Co. to pick up a gift for my sort of niece who turns 16 this weekend. She’s a good girl and 16 is a big deal. I spend too much.

The panel starts late and ends later but we do get to play PacMan while we’re waiting. The room is hot and we’re the second panel. Most of the men leave, this is to be expected. The ones who are left behind are the smart ones. The first group will pay to work with Felicity Huffman or whatever other celebrity hired someone to run a website. It’s a different business they’re in. I try to not be offended but I remember that I don’t actually have any overlap with these folks. Or maybe I do?

I’m home at 10.30 and the kids are sound asleep. There’s a pain in my chest because I’ve missed an evening with them. I know it felt like it was important to be out, but when I get home I recognize that I never should have left. I wanted to be there. With my family.