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November 2013

I Carry Lollipops at all Times – Updated 12/1

I’m a high maintenance woman but not an overly considerate one. Currently I’m flying over some state I’m unlikely to ever visit perhaps Nebraska or Iowa. It was only because of Facebook that I discovered there is no Bloomingdales in Alabama. Alabama is not a state where a woman like myself would flourish though I think I went through there once in 1991 with a drag queen named Jimmy. Maybe that was Arkansas?

In any event after reading the whole Elan the misogynist v Diane in 7D twitter stream I was sad for the mysterious Diane. She was anxious about missing her flight and was wearing a facemask. This is all the information we have about her. Oh, also she was presumably sitting in first or business class with Elan the provocative misogynist. You see, the only things I know about Elan is that he’s provocative, hates women and has a tacky mother.

When I envision a demanding facemasked woman in a premium seat I make one of three assumptions: Diane has a compromised immune system (perhaps she’s just finished chemo or radiation), Diane is Asian and in her country this is a considerate move, and/or that Diane has some kind of an anxiety disorder (perhaps related to OCD) and that every part of traveling is stressful for her.

I can’t pretend to understand Elan because I’ve never  been a producer for a reality show that focuses on good looking people who are willing to humiliate themselves on TV. Elan is expert in exploiting the weak and perhaps the puppeteering that he does for a living has leaked over into his social life? I really wouldn’t know. I don’t know Elan.

I am uniquely qualified to speak for the Dianes of the world. You see I’m a high maintenance occasional business class flyer. Currently I’m in seat 31G and I’ve already napped, watched half of a dreadful movie and played Candy Crush. So I was sitting and poking around the internet when I was interrupted by a kid wailing. I hate traveling with kids. My own kids are up in seats 26 H and J. I’m demanding, I’m not sharing my armrest and I was in danger of listening to a kid scream for an hour or more. Unacceptable.

Much like Elan I’m cranky, but that’s where things diverge. Every time I go to the bank I stock up on lollipops and if you’re ever needing a shot of sugar and chemicals the inside zipper pocket of every bag I own has at least three lollipops in it. This is not because I love your children, this is not because I’m trying to make friends with you, the parent, this is because I enjoy quiet and because screaming children jangle my nerves. I also travel with Xanax and would likely share that with a hysterical adult next to me. It’s not the right thing to do but I’d likely do it because much like Elan & his mother I can be an asshole.

What I’ve never done, and what no one I know has ever done, is offer an unhappy passenger a cock to suck on. Perhaps it’s because I’m cockless. Perhaps it’s because I’m not entertained by men who think that their penises are something to offer to unhappy strangers. Perhaps it’s because I wasn’t raised by a woman who does this to the faceless woman on an airplane that her son harangued for hours.

Elan's classy mother

Diane and I do have something in common, our hands both hurt today from hitting men who deserved it. Yes, last night while walking in Times Square with my 15 year old daughter a 30-something man started pulling on her scarf and twirling her hair. I slapped him so hard my hand swelled up. I hope Diane’s hand doesn’t hurt and I don’t advocate violence unprovoked but this?

This is violence and had I been on Elan’s flight my hands would have been wrapped around his vile throat.

Update December 1 11.30PT: A spokesperson from US Airlines told me that they have asked for crew and gate reports around the alleged incident. As of this time he has seen no security reports from gate agents [he is not willing to state that this is odd but I am]. US Airlines is “unclear as to what happened” and “if it happened it’s serious.” Teams have requested reports from the flight crew as well as from the gate crews and as they have more information they will call me.