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Strangers in my Home

LA Moms Blog logoThe LA Mommy Bloggers couldn’t wait for their formal launch party in September and someone who rhymes with SoCalMom (Yeah I get no privacy so either do you) suggested a less formal get together. Because I can’t hold my liquor and don’t want a DUI I’m a giver I volunteered my home.

It dawned on me this morning that I invited a dozen women to my home. None of whom I’ve ever met. If you are not in possession of a set of ovaries you really don’t know what this all means.

I have to remodel my home.

Like now. I’ve needed a new kitchen since forever. It’s got granite and all but I really don’t like the granite, it makes me dizzy, the cabinets are for shit and the floors, ooh, they’re very un-pretty. My dining room table is small but so is my dining room. We’ve thought about knocking down some walls and maybe adding in some pretty flooring.

The upstairs carpet is shot. That one is actually on the agenda for this summer. We had some issues… dying elderly dog and a puppy I managed to kill. Not kidding dead as a doorknob. Did you know it’s $11 to cremate a 2-pound puppy?
The family pictures on the walls are about two years old. Clearly, I haven’t properly loved my children in two years. I’m tired.

Nothing is baby proofed. Not a fucking thing. You see we moved here when no one was a baby but when you invite Mommy Bloggers over they might bring a baby along. It’s not like I can be all “ooh, hello. I’m a Mommy Blogger too only I have white suede sofas so if you don’t mind I’m not all that child-friendly...”

Oh, and I’m outclassed. These women had (have?) careers. Not the whiskey slinging bullshit of my past but real honest to goodness jobs that grownups who own pantyhose get. Except for the comedienne, she only wears pantyhose if she wants to. Oh, and the author. Yeah, she wrote a couple of books.
I’m aware that I mutilate paragraphs and sentences ThankYouVeryMuch.

So yeah, the Mommies are coming. I hope they bring their rose-colored glasses.