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I Need Your Insurance Card Before I Can Make You An Appointment

I’m living in a perfect world insurance wise and I’m wise enough to appreciate it. Currently I’m covered at 80% for all out of network expenses and I have a FSA that picks up the rest as tax free money. My husband works for a large corporation, my primary¬†physician¬†is in network, my specialists are out of network and most of them don’t accept insurance anyhow.

I am a lucky woman.

I’m also betting that I’ve torn my meniscus. According to Dr. Google my symptoms indicate it’s been torn. My right knee buckles at times, is tough to straighten, hurts a lot and makes crazy crackling sounds. I’m not even sure why I’m going to visit an orthopedist, I’m like a step away from doing my own surgery if I could just find a good demo on YouTube.

Speaking of doing your own surgery we saw the Bourne Legacy last night and I loved it.

In any event, I got a recommendation for an orthopedist who has done half the tennis knees in town and I thought I’d give a call. After I got through the phone tree (yes, a phone tree for a knee doctor) I spoke to a scheduler who would ask my name and then for my insurance card. She didn’t ask what I needed to see the doctor for. Again, I’ve been living in this utopian eden where my physicians are gifted and their staff are caring so I found this all shocking.

“Don’t you want to know why I want to see the doctor?” I asked.

“We need an insurance card before we get to that.” She replied. I’m pretty sure she says this a few times a day.

“I’m driving I don’t have an insurance card handy but I have UHC and I have cash and I’d like to see the doctor.”

She begrudgingly set an appointment for me in two weeks. She said I’d have to call back within 24 hours with the insurance card if I wanted to keep the appointment.


In the car on the speakerphone with my son next to me I might have said something to the effect of, “I’m really fucking tired of being in pain and I understand that most of your patients are too but I’m not enjoying my life and my fucking knee hurts all day and I know there’s a motherfucking appointment that’s not two weeks away. Plus I pay all my bills.”

So anyhow, I’ve got an appointment at 10.20 today and I’m pretty sure he’ll amputate just to teach me a lesson.