Brothels, Cocaine and Children
Everyone knows that when you get a new washer and dryer, you have to paint your dining room. If you don’t innately understand this truism, please memorize it now.
The dining room has been a work in progress. I bought four different shades of warm brown and put them on the wall. Once sampled they ranged from salmon (oh ick) to chocolate brown, none of which we Gottliebs found appetizing. I threw five more samples up, and then my friend Mary suggested Flax from Restoration Hardware. I went to Restoration Hardware, bought a sample of Flax, and, as usual, Mary’s keen eye for design was right on target. I put swatches of Flax on all four walls, showed it to my husband, waited two weeks and then called the painter.
Every day, every night I said, “What do you think of these colors?”
Every day and every night he said, “Whatever you like is great.”
Until last night.
Last night at dinner I said, “ooh I’m so excited to have this room painted on Friday.” At which point my husband looked around the room as if seeing it for the first time ever.
“What color are you using?” he asked.
The kids burst into laughter and pointed at the three swatches of color that were flax. “Dad, you know what color.”
And then something horrible happened. The words Army Green, Bunker, and Ugly left his lips.
The words Are You Kidding Me? You Are Insane! I Spent $38 A Gallon! left mine.
And I might have heard him say, “$38 is cheaper than repainting” but there was a slight buzzing in my ears.
My dear husband suggested colors that might be better if we wanted to go bold. Like Yankee Blue, or deep rich brown or red. I interjected, “that would be like eating in a brothel.”
Right on cue Alexander asks, “What’s a brothel?”
Mr. G replies, “nothing you need to know about, and no place you need to be.” At the same moment I’m calmly explaining, “It’s where women go to bring shame on their families.”
Yeah, we nailed that parenting moment.
Right after dinner, Alexander was practicing guitar. He learned a few notes of a new song, and played them for us. Dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dum, dah, duh… “Cocaine!” I screamed. The three of them looked at me with the same eyes. Apparently it was Zero.
Sounded like Cocaine to me.