Los Angeles Wives: We Aren’t Deceptive We’re Just Making Things Pretty (another one for Mom to NOT read)

12.10.08


There’s some strangeness this time of year, my husband leaves for work a few minutes later because traffic is light. That means we have this weird crossover in the morning, where he’s typically he’s been gone and I’m alone to make beds and tidy the bedrooms.

So there’s this moment where we both really want to enjoy the silence of the morning, but it’s clear that neither of us want the other to feel ignored. I say something wifely about him looking great nekkid and he examines the ceiling. Sweetheart, I don’t know what you’re looking for up there but you haven’t found it in the last 13 years. Today won’t be the day.

He says, “What are you going to do today?”

I reply, “I’m got a few articles to pop out. I need to make reservations for New York in January, make things pretty, Boston Magazine is calling for an interview, I’m having a lunch with Emily B., kids need books from the bookstore, you know, so they can read in the bathtub without worrying about the library…” as I’m talking I realize he isn’t listening anyhow. We’re both longing for the silence.

The reality of my day is only subtly different. Making things pretty is by far the most exciting part of the morning. Yesterday I was at Bliss and picked up one of these. You see every Mommy Blogger has the bikini wax story, it’s a rite of passage. If you live in Los Angeles it can be a really great story too, since the San Fernando Valley is the porn capitol of the world there are waxing spas that make our hookers blush.

In the process of becoming a mother more people see your vagina than you’d ever believe. I promise you that after 40 weeks of prenatal care breastfeeding in public is no big deal. I’ve had men schedule golf games with a gloved hand near my naughty bits and no one inviting me along. As we shed the baby weight and rejoin the ranks of  womanhood we tend to our grooming once again.

The money I spent having my underarm hair lasered away was one of the best investments ever. Guess what goes along with the hair? Offensive odor, not kidding. I wouldn’t joke about that. I had the leg treatment twice, and I’m shaving my legs below the knee every ten days now, but what about above the knee?

I have an isty bitsy shred of dignity left. It’s not much, but it’s mine and I’d like to keep it. That means no one lasers the labia. Yep, if your face is within 12 inches of my girly bits that means you’ve married me or you’ve delivered my children. No. Exceptions.

So honey, when I tell you that I’ll be spending the late morning making things pretty, what I really meant was:

I’ll be spending the time between 11 and noon with a low powered laser attached to my groin. It might hurt like a motherfucker but I’m loaded up on aspirin and I’m not above a shot of bourbon to cure what ails you. So yes, darling, while you’re at work, I’ll be putting yoga to good use and cussing praying a little.

As our friends at Motherhood Uncensored say: Moses aint the only one with a burning bush.

Oy.

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22 responses to “Los Angeles Wives: We Aren’t Deceptive We’re Just Making Things Pretty (another one for Mom to NOT read)”

  1. KTP says:

    Oh, girl. I hope you’re good at dissociating your mind from your body. That shit HURTS.

  2. This was way better to read than the procedural requirements for deportation.

  3. amyz5 says:

    i was waiting for this post. jeez, pricey. but if you make me add up all my waxing costs over the past year it is actually a bargain, right? let me know how it goes.

  4. sam says:

    Not only does this make me that much happier to be a guy, but now I’m also a tiny bit happier to be gay. Of course I’m sure to be the best gay I can I should be more concerned with grooming, but . . . no!

  5. Florinda says:

    No effing way. That is the line I will not cross. You are a brave woman.

    I’d try one of those devices on some other areas, but not THAT one. But hopefully it won’t be quite as painful as this experience a friend of mine blogged about…

  6. valmg says:

    You know you mention an interesting point. After 2 children and several surgeries I just about drop my clothes in any doctor’s office before they’ve had time to close the door. I mean what’s the point, they’re going to see it in five minutes anyway right?
    But if there’s not a pair of letters like MD after your name I’m not taking my clothes off. And, I did childbirth with no drugs but there’s no way you’d be putting anything near my coochie, no ma’am.
    Good luck!

  7. jen says:

    Um, no thanks. I think that’s one procedure I’ll just skip. Scissors and a gentle side pass with the razor does me juuuuust fine thankyouverymuch. LOL

  8. So will you be wearing a button tonight that says “ASK ME ABOUT MY VAGINA!”

  9. Also, I had to have shots in the vagina – a set of three for eights weeks in a row. (Not an STD – I always feel like I have to qualify that.) After that, pain is relative.

  10. shoalswriter says:

    Loved your story about “making things pretty.” Here in Alabama, that phrase refers to clearing last night’s bourbon glasses off the coffee table and covering up the dust with the newest copy of “Southern Living” in case the preacher stops by.

  11. Cindy says:

    So damn funny!! Haven’t ventured to the laser yet – have stuck with brazilian bikini waxing. Great post.

  12. mariah says:

    That laser shit hurt on my tattoo, can’t imagine it on the “naughty parts” I’m sticking with the bikini waxing. Load up on the aspirin..

  13. ilinap says:

    I wish I could relate to this. I have never groomed or shaved or lasered or plucked or waxed anything down there. Never had to. I joke to my husband that I am perfectly contained. The skimpiest of bikini bottoms post no problems, other than my muffin top and 5 extra pounds. Seriously, no issues at all in this regard.

  14. […] Things Changed Moment #1: So, my friend Jessica, who invited me to the event in the first place and blogs about her vagina, came to pick me up.  I’m not normally a conservative dresser, but this was going to be a […]

  15. shira says:

    You’re right about the breastfeeding after baby – totally didn’t notice anymore after being poked and proded through pregnancy. Course, this was also the only time I had enough worth showing…

    The Bits though. Those stay under wraps.

  16. Gunfighter says:

    I’ll taske razor to my “boys” but a laser? I’ll pass.

  17. traci says:

    I’ll take your Pepsi challenge. I love Bliss.

    Having my Obgyn ask me if I lived with Freddy Cruger after he saw what I had done, 8 months pregnant trying to trim the nether regions was pretty much the beacon in the night that this is a job I can’t handle alone.

  18. […] girls. What does it say about the mother of a little girl when you’re busy pulling your public hair out and tucking your genitals up?  If you’re a 25 year old porn star trying to look […]

  19. […] because he’s starting to not believe.” and then he looked for something on the ceiling, he does that a lot, but I’m not sure what it could have […]

  20. Ben Hughes says:

    WOW!
    I just laughed my damn ass off at the final paragraph or two. I really needed that, Jessica. It brightened a very dark day. :]

    -Ben

  21. What the world needs now: prettier vaginas. Love it!

  22. Al_Pal says:

    *snicker* Awesome. ;p

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