About eight years ago I was pregnant with Alexander and Jane was two. I was 30 years old, caring for a toddler, basically a happy woman, but I could smell everything. My heightened sense of smell left me a little grumbly.
I had a Ford Explorer at the time, and it needed some sort of a hose. I brought the car in to Pep Boys then sat down and waited an hour or so. They let me know my car was ready, I paid and then I got into my car.
My car smelled like sweaty car guy. I don’t know how to explain it other than that. It was a hot day in The Valley and the sun had warmed my car so it smelled like a an overripe mechanic. Hot body odor and grease. I was nauseous, tired and grumpy.
I complained to the service technician. In retrospect, I suppose it doesn’t go over very well when you complain to a man that they smell horrible. He went to have a look at the car, gave a look and then basically told me to get lost. He couldn’t smell anything.
Dissatisfied, I sulked towards my car, all the windows were up (I’d previously left them down). I was ticked off that they’d closed the windows on the car again and then furious when I opened the car door and realized that the mechanic had farted in my car and then sealed it shut.
My car smelled like his asshole.
Fuming, I got the store manager, refused to speak to him and told him I needed him to sit in my car. The man looked positively baffled, but I was at least six months pregnant, and furious. He wisely did not argue.
I unlocked the car and asked the manager to get in it. He complied, and as he sat in the driver’s seat I locked the doors with my key fob. Let him sit in the fart, I thought.
The store manager made gagging motions from the driver’s seat begging me to open the car door, jiggling the handle and finally pounding on the glass, I stood next to him, in the fresh air, laughing and clicking button. I knew that as he wiggled it was only warming up, perhaps getting humid and the smell would only magnify. Periodically he would relent and just sit there, his hands on the steering wheel at 10 and 2 o’clock. Although my shoulders would relax, my thumb was alert, as he moved to the handle, I’d click the door locked. We played cat and mouse for a good five minutes, his hands would make a move, and with my thumb I’d trap him.
When his face finally turned red, and the poor dear looked ready to faint, I relented and allowed him to escape the car. He got out of the driver’s seat, silently opened all the doors and the hatch and disappeared into the store screaming, “Which motherfucker farted in the lady’s car?!”
My money was returned to me and I left Pep Boys thinking, “TKO for the lady, round two.”
Nice work! don’t jerk with a preggo lady!
This is extremely funny. But not really true. Is it?
Why I took a drink off my coke as I started to read this is beyond me. Now I have a wet shirt that needs to be changed. Can I send a bill to Pep Boys?
I remember that about being pregnant. I could smell everything. It was a special kind of hell.
Very funny post.
I think I just wet myself reading that. On behalf of women everywhere, well done!
100% non fiction
One of my finer moments
Heck, this would make a hilarious movie scene! You’re in LA. You should get on that…
That is one of the funniest things I have read in a long time!
I would really like to see that manager argue some sort of damages in a tort claim. And then I’d beg god to let me write the most tortured brief imaginable, something like…..After respondent’s repeated insistence that one of claimant’s employees emitted an odorous, gas-like substance in her vehicle before discharging said vehicle to respondent, claimant was locked by respondent into said vehicle so that claimant could, according to respondent, “sit in the fart.”
Thanks! And this is why I love you, Jessica. Sweetest woman I know who won’t take crap from anyone (or, in this case, fart).
No more lunchtime chili dogs for that Pep Boys employee…
This is better than I ever imagined! Brilliant!
You? You are my hero. Without doubt.
Funny story, I think only pregnant women are that brave and ballsy. Yes?
I nearly cheered out loud at the end, I was so very, very proud.
OMG so hilarious! What a jerk that guy was!
And I was also highly aware of odors while pregnant — why would nature do that to our bodies?
That is hilarious, I will be snickering for days over that one! Way to go!
Good for you! Sometimes things require extreme measures to prove your point. There was also n episode of “Seinfeld” that dealt with a valet that had bad b.o. & everyone that got in the car got stuck with the smell on them.
Can I be you when I grow up?
Oh my gosh…this is hysterical!!!!
OMG!!! I wish there was a video to accompany this. I about fell out of my chair at the end of the last paragraph. I’m still drying my eyes from the tears of laughter. Absolutely fabulous!
Oh my gosh. The more I read, the more I wonder how I lived before your blog. I am also more convinced that you’re my hero!
I think that the first three words of what the manager shouted may be my new battlecry for my house.
Oh my god! My coffee has just spurted out my nose! This is too funny!
I did something similar post pregnancy – breast feeding my daughter I had to find a parents room at a local shopping centre but when I went it someone had been eating in there – no not babies – eating SUSHI & had left it all over the floors, chairs etc. I came out, screaming baby in hand, sat down on a bench outside Target next to a woman & proceeded to feed my child. The woman looked over at me & said “Can’t you do that in the parent’s room?” I was like, no I can’t its dirty & has sushi all over it. She says “why don’t you go & sit in the TOILET cubicle & feed her then”. I was so incensed I started bawling her out yelling at the top of my lungs “why don’t you go & eat YOUR lunch in the toilet! WOULD you eat your lunch in a pile of sushi & crap? NO!, but by all means, take your kebab & go EAT IT IN THE TOILET!’ All the while, my mother is sitting beside me going “just settle…you breasts…the baby” & I turn to her & go “my BREASTS?” What about them? They’re the LUNCH my child is supposed to EAT IN THE TOILET!!!’ But what she was actually trying to remind me was that in my insane rage at the kebab woman I had forgotten to put my boobs away & in full view of the Target store & all patrons I was flashing & screaming in unison.
LMBO … priceless. I was cracking up reading your comment haha
For all that think that’s funny or cute, grow up.
This was hilarious! I found by accident by Googling for the Rain-x windshield wipers, led me to Pep Boys, and your blog. E. G. Wilson (“for all that think that’s funny or cute, grow up”) must be a man and does NOT appreciate! Has no sense of humor! Thanks again.
That’s priceless! Thanks for the smile1
OMG – GOOD FOR YOU!! You are beyond awesome. This is the best thing I’ve read in a long time – and I had SUPER SMELL when I was pregnant too, so I can only imagine how disgusting that was.
I had a super sensitive nose when I was pregnant and could pick up every little scent including my DH’s odours… I’d go around spraying air freshener after every bathroom visit, and made sure I had some in the car. I tell ya, that smell LINGERS… especially in those cushiony car seats. The odours just penetrate the fabric and remains there for eternity.
crying i’m laughing so hard. and then i read childandcrazy’s comment above and now i’m laughing harder.
and i’m 5 months pregnant. you just don’t f#@% with a pregnant woman.
ROFL. I wish I was that brave! Good for you!
That is hilarious! Way to go. That made my freaking day.
Just letting you know, I finally got around to posting a link here on my blog. :lol:
@ Mr./Ms./Mrs. Wilson: It must be terrible to go through life without a sense of humour. I pity every one you know. :) Have a day.
You know this was a Seinfeld episode, right? http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=286925960899
You are so funny…. wish I had the guts to do that. I love your tenacity to do what you feel is right! More power to you! Thanks for making me laugh.
HAHAHAHA awesome :D I’d never think to do something like that but if you’re … wow. What a stupid fuck that guy was. Glad you got your money back.
Truth is far stranger (and much more amusing) than fiction! OMG, too funny!
what dumbass was stupid enough to have sex with you ? or was it a artificial fat girl ejection ?
yeah , she sounds like a real prize , had to be ejaculation off a toilet seat
If you believe this you’re a real dumb ass
Wow you need to get a life .
What a bitch
If this ever happens to me, I will keep this post in mind…I hope that they at least deodorized your car after that!
shes full of shit you can go to jail for that
Absolutely HILARIOUS! You are officially my new hero.
Actually what should have happened here was a) window got broken, b) you got arrested for holding someone hostage against your will, and c) pregnant or not – you were out of line. You took your car on a hot day to get looked at — sorry sister but get over the “sweaty guy smell”. Reality is hard working folks sweat – you’re being pregnant and having a hypernose is NOT an excuse. You badgered someone who didn’t deserve, so you paid him back and escalated ridiculously. You’d have left paying me more money and being charged as a kidnapper. Congrats on showing why some women in this world are still treated as clueless little twits.
As a PepBoys employee, I’m very sorry that you had to go through that. I myself am going through the ringer because I refuse to hastily work on customer cars and instead I work as fast as I ACCURATELY can. I’m going to always do the best I can with a customer’s car and NOT as fast as I can. Speed is NOT better than accuracy or perfection. My boss wants me to rush my work and I refuse to do it. I’m really sorry that you had to go through this.