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Sit your ass down to eat.
No, you may not eat anywhere but at a table, with a plate.
No, not even if your mom lets you at your house.
I make one meal, it’s always good.
If the food is better at your house, please eat there.
Chew with your mouth shut, I get nauseous watching you.
Say please and thank you, just always.
If your parents haven’t taught you to eat with a fork and knife I will teach you, but I will resent the hell out them.

And you?

12 thoughts on “Food”

  1. Hahahahahahahaha.

    Um. Jessica, in case you ever want to invite me over to dinner, I will chew with my mouth closed, Promise! (I’m guessing camera isnt allowed at table though right?)

  2. gawd you would have kicked my ass from your table and right out of your door – i was such a picky eater as a kid that my friends’ parents automatically made me pasta if they knew i was eating over – they didn’t even attempt to put a plate of their undoubtedly delicious meal in front of me.

    what a bitch i was. now i feel terrible about it.

  3. When did my 3 year old son go to your house? Did he tell you that he had to go “poo poo” right when you sat down at the table to eat? I can’t have a single meal at my house without him farting at the table…

  4. CTR1 Andrew Bindner


    I think you forgot these… or then again…. maybe not; the other parents must be teaching these rules?!?

    “Turn away when spitting lest your saliva fall on someone. If anything purulent falls on the ground, it should be trodden upon, lest it nauseate someone.”

    “To lick greasy fingers or to wipe them on your coat is impolite. It is better to use the table cloth or the serviette.”

    “Some people put their hands in the dishes the moment they have sat down. Wolves do that.”

    “You should not offer your handkerchief to anyone unless it has been freshly washed. Nor is it seemly, after wiping your nose, to spread out your handkerchief and peer into it as if pearl and rubies might have fallen out of your head.”

    “If you cannot swallow a piece of food, turn around discreetly and throw it somewhere.”

    “Retain the wind by compressing the belly.”

    “Do not move back and forth on your chair. Whoever does that gives the impression of constantly breaking or trying to break wind.”

    –from the three century best seller, “On Civility in Children” (c.1530)

  5. My son has yet to sit down and start eating without blurting out two seconds later, “I need to go potty!” Not even when we make him go right before we eat. Ugh!

    We have casual rules and formal rules and fluctuate between them, depending on the circumstance. I like to think that we are doing a decent job. But my boy is not allowed to use a knife yet. He just isn’t. Not with how accident-prone he already is!

    But what I really cannot stand is when I have someone over at my house and their parents have not taught them to be respectful and polite.

  6. I grew up having to eat everything cooked. This meant that on liver night, even though liver makes me gag and causes my throat to force the food back out, I had to sit and eat it. Seriously, having to chew while your gag reflex is trying to reject food really sucks. I also have some texture issues. Avocado horrifies me and causes my gag reflex to kick in, and that’s just a texture issue for me. So while I’m sure your food is good I would never dare tell a child they have to eat something they say they don’t like.

    Shit, now I’m starting to feel a little gaggy just thinking about all this, and I haven’t tasted liver in nearly twenty years.

  7. They don’t have to clear their plate, but I’ll be damned if I heat up a second frying pan for anyone.

    There are always at least two side dishes, if not more, there is always something to eat.

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