I’m Not Thankful

I’m supposed to spend the day today talking about how Thankful I am. I’m supposed to say that it’s wondeful that Jane popped out of bed all healthy this morning, begging me to go to school.

I’m supposed to say that I’m thrilled that I can finally take a deep breath, and that my lungs are finally clearing.

I’m supposed to be grateful that I have a husband I adore, and who makes me laugh.

I barely slept last night because the steroids make me jittery, but I slept a little because of the benadryl I’m taking for the rash.

I sat downstairs on my family room sofa, shivering under a blanket and wishing I could sleep. When I lie down I literally feel like I’m drowning in my own mucus and I started to cry, then I felt congested sitting up too. And as I gasped for breath, alone on my sofa, I sobbed uncontrollably because a few weeks ago I was sitting on that sofa with Anissa. Who also cannot breathe.

I don’t feel grateful or lucky or even okay.

I feel like somehow G-d forgot about her, and like all she ever did was give of herself, oh except on the days when she gave a little more.

So I’m sorry if I can’t be all sparkly today, but I’m finally not sick and maybe a little more in touch with my feelings than we’d all like. And well, I’m having a crisis of faith.

It’s easy to have right now. It’s just wrong.

8 thoughts on “I’m Not Thankful”

  1. I know how you feel. I’ve spent the last several days in the Phoenix Children’s Hospital with my 3yr old. She was just diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes. I wondered why God would allow such an active, happy, vibrant little thing go through the pain of this disease. I cried as I tweeted out the news relating to anyone reading how overwhelmed and alone I felt. I held her little bruised IV stabbed hand and told her how sorry I was she was sick and how much I loved her.

    And now… as of an hour ago… we are home. She’s in her own bed… napping. And I’m crying for a different reason. I wasn’t so alone after all. While I felt so lost and hopeless… hundreds of people cared enough to share their love and support and advice. A few personally stopped by with gifts and hugs… people I’ve never met in my life.

    So although I felt so thankless 4 days ago… as of an hour ago… I can look back and really be thankful for so many things.

    Thank you for this post.

    xo
    Kelly

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  2. Jessica, I don’t know Anissa, but she sounds like one of those so rare people who we all aspire to be. And I don’t know why unspeakable things happen to the most beautiful and undeserving among us. All I can tell you is that probably millions are praying for her and her family, and that you are loved. Hope you feel better soon.

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  3. Jessica, I’m a friend of Heather’s. If you can’t feel thankful just now, at least feel hopeful – a little bit – okay? http://www.hope4peyton.org/2009/faith/ I don’t know Anissa either – well, except that I found her husband’s posts, and learned a little bit about her and her family, thanks to you. It looks like Anissa is making progress. It may be slow, but there may be much to be thankful for – just around the corner.

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