After reading Romney’s ideas on edumacation I got grumpy and decided that I had to tell you all the ways you’re fucking your kids up.
1. There are two sides to your car. When you park your car and take your child out on the drivers side I might run you and your child over. If this should happen I will sue you for fucking up the front of my car and making me late. Should the paramedics attempt to save you or your child I will sue them for disobeying the laws of nature. You should not procreate if you cannot figure out that swinging your child into an oncoming car is not smart.
2. If your child’s voice has been on your home answering machine for more than five years it’s time to change the message. Actually if they aren’t a voice over artist their voice doesn’t belong on your voicemail. The world doesn’t have a toddler and one person’s adorable is another person’s grating.
3. When you start up your computer and log in does it ask you for your name or the status of your womb? My user name is “Jessica” not “Mom”. Ladies I know in the beginning it’s all consuming but at some point you’ve got to let it go.
4. Ten is old enough to cross any street during sunlight hours. That is all.