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How to NOT Talk to Your Children About the Sex They Are Having

Earlier this week my friend called to tell me her teenage son is sexually active. I am currently busy scrubbing this information from my brain. Unlike the Pythagorean Theorem it is deeply etched and I’m having a hard time unhearing it.

Her son is almost 18 and in a relationship with a girl he loves. The issue isn’t the sex, the issue is the fact that she knows about it when she shouldn’t. Her son came to his father to talk about birth control and the fact that he’d had sex for the first time. This 17 year old almost-man asked his father to please keep his secret and not tell his mother. The father told the mother. The mother told me, we are all squicked out (that’s the medical term for it).

Last night I was laying in bed with Mr. G and gave him the rundown and he just looked at me like this

Bill Cosby

And I kept talking because sometimes when he’s got that look I figure I’ve dug half the hole, why not the whole six feet?

He interrupted and said, “Why are you telling me this?” And I was like, “Because one day Jane is going to tell me something and ask me to keep it a secret from you and I’m going to keep the secret.” And he just sort of did this

Confused face

And gave me a thumbs up and then started waving like an air traffic controller trying to get me to stop talking.

Pro tip: never talk to your husband about teenage sexuality while you are also in bed. There’s something so hideously creepy about it that I’m actually considering buying new bed linens.

I’d mentioned to my friend that kids are entitled to some privacy and that around sex stuff when it’s all age appropriate (we aren’t talking about 14 year olds here) then having the communication with just one parent is fine. There are things I don’t want to know about each of my kids. I’m entitled to not know, right?

My question to you is this. If you child comes to you to talk about their sexual activity and asks you not to tell your spouse do you honor that request? 



4 thoughts on “How to NOT Talk to Your Children About the Sex They Are Having”

  1. I think it depends on the situation. In this situation, I think the father could’ve kept it to himself. If I thought my daughter was in a bad situation, I wouldn’t keep it a secret from my husband under any circumstances.

  2. Yep, while understanding the son and dad relationship dynamics,I still might try to talk my boys into sharing w both of us. Hopefully, I have a few more years to think this over!

  3. Thank God my children aren’t teenagers yet. The thought of having this conversation someday gives me hives. My “what I’d do” is therefore theoretical – but its something I’ve given some thought to. If my teenager were having sex and they trusted me enough to share that information with me or to ask my advice about it, I would not feel at all able to share that information with their other parent. If I broke that confidentiality it would likely be the last time they shared anything important with me ever again, the last opportunity I would have for some input or to be asked for my advice.

    I agree with you — your friend knows something she should not have known, and I hope she does not tell her son and that she asks her husband to keep his child’s confidences in the future.

  4. My kids, ages 17 and 20 know there are no secrets between my husband and I. My 20yr asked permission to begin courting a close friend from church and both my husband and I have been involved in the process guiding and counseling this young couple towards what may become marriage in a few years. We have raised our kids to understand that courtship is preparation for marriage and traditional dating is dangerous and we don’t allow it. Sex was created for the marriage bed and once they are married their sex lives are not my concern.

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