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Dear Neighbor

Dear Next Door Neighbors,

You really don’t need to apologize about your 4 month old daughter crying all night.

I’m going to let you in on two secrets. The first one is that we couldn’t possibly hear her crying. If you’re sobbing with her, there’s the off chance that we heard that, but we’d just think birth control and roll over and go to sleep.

The second secret is that your daughter was likely crying because my dog was barking. I know, he’s a little fucker, and we’re tired and grumpy today too. If I wasn’t busy trying to pretend it’s someone else’s dog I’d apologize.