How to NOT Talk to Your Children About the Sex They Are Having

04.30.13

Earlier this week my friend called to tell me her teenage son is sexually active. I am currently busy scrubbing this information from my brain. Unlike the Pythagorean Theorem it is deeply etched and I’m having a hard time unhearing it.

Her son is almost 18 and in a relationship with a girl he loves. The issue isn’t the sex, the issue is the fact that she knows about it when she shouldn’t. Her son came to his father to talk about birth control and the fact that he’d had sex for the first time. This 17 year old almost-man asked his father to please keep his secret and not tell his mother. The father told the mother. The mother told me, we are all squicked out (that’s the medical term for it).

Last night I was laying in bed with Mr. G and gave him the rundown and he just looked at me like this

Bill Cosby

And I kept talking because sometimes when he’s got that look I figure I’ve dug half the hole, why not the whole six feet?

He interrupted and said, “Why are you telling me this?” And I was like, “Because one day Jane is going to tell me something and ask me to keep it a secret from you and I’m going to keep the secret.” And he just sort of did this

Confused face

And gave me a thumbs up and then started waving like an air traffic controller trying to get me to stop talking.

Pro tip: never talk to your husband about teenage sexuality while you are also in bed. There’s something so hideously creepy about it that I’m actually considering buying new bed linens.

I’d mentioned to my friend that kids are entitled to some privacy and that around sex stuff when it’s all age appropriate (we aren’t talking about 14 year olds here) then having the communication with just one parent is fine. There are things I don’t want to know about each of my kids. I’m entitled to not know, right?

My question to you is this. If you child comes to you to talk about their sexual activity and asks you not to tell your spouse do you honor that request? 

 

Sexy Billboards In Los Angeles and Kids

11.30.11

Last week Kelly Cole, a Mom in my neighborhood, had a fit both online and off about a billboard for Manhunt. Manhunt is an app where men go to find male friends. Apparently they are really good looking friends and they are very happy to find each other.

 

In the Studio City Patch a self described pro sex feminist (I’m calling that into question) says that this billboard made her have an uncomfortable conversation with her nine year old son who still believes in Santa. She then contacted Lamar Outdoor advertising to have the billboard removed. As my friend Jenny said on Facebook:

If her kid is 9 and astute enough to notice, pick up on, and start a conversation about that particular billboard, but still believes in Santa I think he’s the one lying to protect mommy’s feelings.

Of course Gawker chimed in and made this an issue of Mommy Bloggers being stupid, which is ridiculous. Brian Moylan go to your room! But Brian (who is grounded until I let him out of the house) does have some good points.

  • We are the only people who love our kids and are invested in their future
  • Every bump in the road doesn’t mean that society should change for our kids
  • You don’t have to get into the mechanics of gay sex. Tell him that some men fall in love with other men and like to kiss those men.
  • This is “mommy blogging” at its worst. It is someone who is trying to deny the rights and free speech of others because she thinks her kid is in danger. The only thing he is in danger of is learning about the world, and it is your job to guide him through it.

He’s absolutely right, it is mommy blogging at it’s worst, and I’d like to say that this Gawker article is Blogging at it’s worst because he begins with:

Is there anything worse than mommy bloggers? That is a rhetorical question because if you have two firing synapses, you know the answer to that question

But there’s much worse stuff out there. I’ll let Brian slide a bit.

In what might be the best response of 2011 Manhunt Daily has posted the Michael Kors billboard that is right across the street from their own.

michaelkors-underwear-model-billboard-across the street from the Manhunt billboard with lamar

With a close up of the (hetero) couple on the left (as opposed to the naked grinding girl on the right).

Michael Kors Underwear Ad across the street from Manhunt ad

My kids can totally see either billboard. The takeaway for them (I hope) will be “don’t eat fast food and you can look really awesome naked”.

Marriage Online: Charming or Overexposed (Mom & Dad skip reading this one too please)

03.18.11

Yesterday I was poking around StumbleUpon and someone had sent me a link to a post titled “Marriage: In Which I Shut My Husband Down Once Again”. It’s a quick post, go ahead and read it. If you don’t feel like reading the post the essence of it is that the blogger’s husband had been the road for a few weeks, and texted her with a little sexy talk. “What are you wearing” was the question and she texted back a picture of her watch.

Apparently this is humor. I missed that but all of her readers did not. What I saw (and I did not read the comments until much later) was a husband who was lonely and horny in a hotel room in a strange city and a wife who was mocking him.

Apparently I was wrong and this banter between husband and wife is seen as adorable. I get it. I really do, not every marriage is the same. My friend Amy says I’m judgy, and to that I say, “Hell yes I am”.

There are things that I would never do. I would never sit at a dinner table and talk about Mr G’s shortcomings. As far as I’m concerned his only shortcoming is having married me. Not only would Mr G not appreciate it, but it’s uncomfortable for people to be around a couple who is working things out. Yes, I am Miss Fucking Manners, deal with it.

From a very pragmatic point of view I think that women do themselves a great disservice by talking about how tired they are from their very long days. I know what it’s like to drop into bed and feel the mattress envelop you almost like you’re floating. I know what it is to feel tired in your bones.

Ladies, turn the TV on for the kids, take a nap during the day and for the love of all things holy save some energy to fuck your husband in the evening. It’s part of marriage, and it’s part of marriage worth saving a little energy for.

Now Scout and her husband have some banter in the comments of her blog. I’m sure they’re very happily married, and I’m sure she’s a lovely lady. But I’m a giver, so I’ll share a little advice with everyone today.