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Mother Earth Can Kiss My Ass: Integrity Blows

For those of you unfamiliar with Little League, the season is over. We are now involved in what is known as “Fall Ball”. I don’t typically say “we” when it comes to children’s sports, but I assure you “we” are involved in fall ball. The kids play for a couple of hours each Sunday and the parents cheer and take stunning pictures of their little boys. Why? Because little boys in team uniforms are absolutely adorable, squishable and oooohhh yummy.


You are the only mother there whose child has dingy white pants because every part of your heart and soul knows that bleach is about vanity and kicks the crap out of Mother Earth. Then the PMS kicks in… so I’m fighting back tears standing in the aisles of the grocery story and I called Lolita, “Alexander’s pants are brown, my son slides into every base and I don’t know what to do.” She hemmed and hawed, and said, “I use Tide, but I know you like things to be eco friendly…” and while she was still talking, I was tossing Tide into my grocery cart. You see, I know Lolita and she has two boys and they have sparkly clothes, so I was in.

This is how the pants started out:

I tried used Tide and ended up with this

Naturally the first questions were, “did Tide pay you to say that?” and “did they send you samples?”

Answers: No, Tide did not pay me to do anything. No, they did not send me a sample.

Blanket Answer: When I get samples of products they typically end up at The Interfaith Food Pantry.

I know those are just iPhone pictures, but trust me, I went to Little League with my camera and my son, and I sat in the bleachers with the best feeling any mother could ever have. The feeling of knowing that I’m a better housewife than you are.  My kid had an amazing play in the outfield, but by then his pants were stained again, so I wasn’t feeling quite as perky. Offhandedly I mentioned to Jane that I was happy about Alexander’s pants being so white, and the Tide had worked well and she interrupted me with:

Mo-om that is the worst thing you could do for the planet. Tide takes fifteen years to go back into the ground. I told you go to Gelsons and get the stuff that’s good for the planet.

My daughter is furious, and with one swipe she takes the wind out of my clean-pants-glory filled sails.

I do exactly what any self respecting Mommy Blogger worth her salt would do in the same situation. I called Tide’s PR folks. [shut up and stop laughing] I happen to know that there are more than a few Moms on the Tide account and that they would know how to talk to my daughter. An incredibly sensitive email was sent to my daughter, who was delighted, that included some simple facts about Tide being phosphate free and concentrated. There was mention made of their cold water wash, and it was just the perfect letter for a ten year old. I was so hopeful, and when I logged onto her email account (yes I read my children’s emails and I recommend you do too) here’s the reply I saw:

Thank you for sending me that email but I have heard that it takes 15 years
for Tide to go it to the ground and… Well yeah.

In case you are worried about me, I’ve found the perfect solution. I’m hiding all the laundry soap from my kid. Mother Earth can suckit, I like sparkling white clothes.

Oh and also, we won’t be going to Rock A Little Feed A Lot, because even though my family would have loved seeing Sheryl Crow perform live, I don’t think that giving America Frankenfood solves the hunger issue. It does however, explain why our children are morbidly obese.

11 thoughts on “Mother Earth Can Kiss My Ass: Integrity Blows”

  1. Is there a happy medium? As in, use the tide for sparkling whites,and make cuts somewhere else? Or make bigger strides in another area to offset the tide? That way you and she can feel good?

  2. Jess, both of my kids play ball. And my son kills his pants every game, practice and -pretty much- day. Though far from harmless to the Earth, I swear hydrogen peroxide has done wonders for the stains when I don’t want to use bleach. Which I do stock. But to make myself feel better, I save the really, really bad stains for once a month, grab some friends white baseball pants and bleach them all then. Not completely harmless, but I am saving some by doing it less frequently. And though Tide is hellaexpensive, they do a mad job of cleaning.

  3. Tide rocks the house. I’m a total stan. But what really needs to happen is for the dang baseball pants to come available in black instead of white. It would look chic and solve the dingy problem, all in one fell swoop.

  4. OMG, you are cracking me up with the ‘I’m a better housewife than you are’ line. You know that’s exactly what we’re all thinking when we show up with the sparkling white pants. Or, of course the opposite is true when the pants are stained…. Hilarious!

  5. No, not black (they do come in black…also pinstripe). But black is no good either…they don’t show grass stains, maybe, but they’re *dusty* all the time!

    The best color is gray. In our league, the coaches’ pick the colors for pants, belts, socks, etc. after the teams are assigned. I always send a note to reminding the coach that he can pick gray…it’s a lovely color that goes with everything. And now it’s good for the earth, too. Who knew?

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