Monthly Archives: September 2009
Kim Jong Il Just Needs A Dress and a Bottle of Chardonnay
My mother was kind enough to cook dinner for my family, a few extra kids and my cousin. Since my cousin works for some arm of the Department of Defense, I asked him if we were going to invade Korea. He glanced at my husband, and then they looked at the ceiling in unison.
“Which Korea? North or South?” He asked.
“I dunno, either one, are we going to bomb them.” I asked while slurping sipping my wine.
“I work with the Department of Defense, we don’t bomb people.” and then he exhaled… like really loud.
“I could totally fix this whole North Korea issue.” And then I went on to explain to my Dear Cousin that it’s obvious from Kim Jong Il’s affinity for Realtor Hair and women’s sunglasses that the answer is to let the man wear a tutu and sip chardonnay like the rest of the ladies.
I’m not kidding, the guy just needs a little action. Our neighbor was a complete douche, and once he started wearing dresses and big fake titties he got a lot nicer. If it works for Suburban Los Angeles, I’m pretty sure it’ll work for North Korea.
Oh, and then there’s the moon issue.
Friday Confession: That’s Not What He Means
My Australian friend Ian is ridiculously charming and polite. Oftentimes after I’ve spoken he’ll say, “Jessica, you’re a breath of fresh air.”
I’m fairly certain that in American English that translates to, “Jessica, do you think you could shut the fuck up?”
I confess every Friday, but you can buy the book.
