Monthly Archives: October 2011

Over at the Windows Blog they’re celebrating Windows XP turning ten. Ten years ago I was pushing a double stroller and praying that two children would pick one naptime. I had an enormous Gateway computer that I absolutely loved and I spent all our discretionary income on getting the fastest internet connection we could afford.

I was buying and selling women’s couture and my only business partners were eBay and the USPS. My cell phone carrier was US Cellular (I just shredded the papers) and I’m pretty sure I had the top of the line cell phone… because I always do.

Ten years ago, like today, all I needed to launch a business was a few quiet minutes, a robust computer and a stable internet connection.

Nothing has changed. Everything has changed.

Earlier today on twitter there was a lot of back and forth about smart partying for college kids. They suggested designating a sober partier, never leaving your drink, not having drunk sex and there were a few nods to making sure other people stayed safe. There was also the statistic that 50% of sexual assaults in college occur when people are drinking.

I’m sure most college graduates find the 50% number shockingly low.

I worry though that we’re having the wrong conversation. Maybe because October is fraught with pinkwashing I’m extra prickly to messages that purport to help women but succeed only in making us victims.

The conversation that mothers should be having with their children is simple. We need to tell our sons that they cannot sexually assault girls.

Do our girls need to be savvy? Certainly they do. Our daughters will get savvy quickly because at tender ages men will surely give them unwanted attention. They will learn to be a little fearful, they know they are physically smaller and weaker than men, and they are fully aware that love and sex aren’t one in the same. Girls learn this from catcalls, boys learn this from jokes about dropping the soap in the shower.

Do we need to teach our daughters that there are multiple dangers in binge drinking? Absolutely. We need to teach our sons the same thing. Why aren’t our sons being told that their lives will be ruined if they misinterpret a “no” for a “maybe later”.

Everyone is so obsessed with protecting the virginity of our daughters that we’ve totally neglected the important conversations that must be had with our sons.

Our sons need to know that if a girl is hemming and hawing about sex they need to get up and walk away. The boys need to know that sex with a drunk girl is not consensual. The kids, all the kids, need to know that drunk sex with anyone is non consensual.

Talk to your sons and daughters about the age of consent in your state.

When horrible people are sentenced to prison we make jokes about anal rape in the showers. Though we may have some level of blood lust for the worst offenders we’re sending a message to everyone that rape is a deserved punishment for bad people.

It follows then that when we call girls slutty or skanky (and I’m totally guilty of this) then they become bad people, and we’re conditioned to believe that bad people ought to be assaulted.

I know how to prevent sexual assault, it’s not all a girl’s job.

Jane will turn thirteen in just a few days. She’s having all the girls from school sleep over Saturday night (expect to see a lot of me on Twitter and G+ Saturday night, not much else I can do) and she’s having three non school friends sleep at a hotel with her next week.

Oh, to be clear, that’s three friends, Jane and me in connecting rooms.

I loved the idea of a hotel sleepover, can you say, “no cleanup”? Jane really wanted to be close to Santa Monica Place so that we could take an evening walk to the food court. If you’re not in Los Angeles you don’t understand that the food court includes an incredible cheese bar and more than one sushi restaurant. It’s a food court that doesn’t suck. Most of all Jane wanted a hotel with an indoor pool. The only hotel with an indoor pool in Los Angeles is the Biltmore downtown, and the Biltmore is neither new nor in a safe neighborhood.

So I started calling Santa Monica hotels but there were no rooms available. The Viceroy had ONE room free and at $1,600 a night I took a pass on it. Apparently there’s a film festival that weekend so Santa Monica was either booked or price gouging, either way it didn’t work for us.

Jane agreed to try Beverly Hills as a sleepover destination. Of course since she is thirteen and has the palate of a billy goat she wanted to stay on Wilshire so we could walk to California Pizza Kitchen. I smiled and agreed that it would, all the while thinking that I could have a crappy salad and a glass of wine there and then order room service from the Beverly Wilshire. See, I’d gotten a fabulous deal from the folks at Four Seasons and Jane was going to have a perfect sleepover while I had a perfect night of pampering.

I think we all know that man plans and G-d laughs. Well this plan of mine had G-d guffawing, and maybe peeing his robes a little.

Jane found out that the Marriott in Woodland Hills has an indoor pool and is located next to TGI Friday’s and a mall. If you’re 13 this is the equivalent of the Four Seasons and an afternoon of shopping at Barneys. If you are 41 this is hell on earth. Whoever told her about this hotel should make sure their affairs are in order.

I get my friend Shana to prove that she loves me and agree to dinner with the girls. We’re not actually allowed to sit with them or next to them but we are allowed to pay for dinner. Yay? Shana, in a stroke of brilliance, reminds me that there’s a Kate Mantalini next to the Marriot and we can go there. I tell Jane that this is an option and she agrees to it.

Mr. G. unwinds that plan. He says, “It sounds like Kate Mantalini is to make you happy and it’s not your birthday. That’s a place that yentas have lunch.”

Umm… does he not realize that I’m trying to raise Los Angeles’ next fabulous yenta?

So I’ll be staying at a $125 a night Marriott and dining with Shana at TGIF. Hopefully I don’t get bedbugs and hopefully Shana doesn’t come to her senses and find something better to do.

BlogWorldLA is good and I’m sure it will be fun but epic? Okay, short and sweet here… the kids from Shepherds School need an 8th Grade, in another year they’ll need a 9th grade. We need an Epic Change.

BlogWorld should be great fun. I’ll be speaking about privacy there and I really do hope someone shows up at my session. If you want to have a great discussion about how to blog very personally (I think I do that) without telling other people’s stories. I ‘ll also be giving you a list of action items to keep your information safely buried on the web.

Did you know that children are victims of identity theft? If you’re blogging (facebooking, twittering, G+’ing) about your kids you really need to be mindful.

There are a ton of great sessions at BlogWorld and I’m looking forward to them. I know a bunch of you will be all, “I can’t come to LA because I have a life…” or some other wacky excuse. So there’s a BlogWorldExpo Virtual Ticket. This will let you stream the sessions live. If you’re in an office and reading this as part of your job you know you should be streaming BlogWorld and we both know your boss will pay for it.

So here’s what I need you to do. Use the affiliate link from this page to buy your BlogWorld virtual pass and $75 will be donated straight to EpicChange so that Leah and Gideon can have an 8th grade classroom. Use the coupon code BWEVIP20 for an additional discount on your in person ticket.

That’s EpicBlogWorld.

I promise I’ll get back to blogging about misbehavior just as soon as we get this school built.

A few years ago my friend Melissa Leon introduced me to the The Twitter Kids.  #TwitterKids are a group of children from Shepherds Jr. School in Tanzania who use the internet (when there is electricity) to communicate with people on Twitter.

And by people, I mean me. I used to be really great about having twitter on at about 10 at night just so that I could message back and forth with the Twitter kids, lately I haven’t been great about it, but I will be.

Epic Change was able to raise money so that Shepherds Jr. School could continue to grow.

Three years ago I met Gideon and Leah online. In a few weeks I’ll be meeting them here in Los Angeles. Mama Lucy, the magnificent woman who farmed chickens to build a school will be staying here with Gideon, Leah and Stacey.

To say that my kids are thrilled would be an understatement.

I’d like you to watch this video.

And I’d like you to read about Epic Change.

Next, I’d like you to interact with these kids on twitter.

Now I’d like you to do one very important thing. I’d like you to join me here in Los Angeles on November 4th and meet Mama Lucy, Gideon and Leah. We’re getting together on the Westside (exact location will be announced later today) and I’d like you to bring your spouses, your parents, and your children to meet these folks.

Let’s build them an 8th grade.

Please support Epic Change in one of these cities:

• San Francisco, CA | 11/02
• Los Angeles, CA | 11/4
• San Diego, CA | 11/5
• Boston, MA | 11/6
• Hartford, CT | 11/7
• New York, NY | 11/8
• Pittsburgh, PA | 11/10
• Washington, DC | 11/12
• Richmond, VA | 11/13
• Atlanta, GA | 11/14
• Tampa, FL | 11/15
• Orlando, FL | 11/17
• Satellite Beach, FL | 11/18
• Miami, FL | 11/21

When Jane was in the fourth grade she wanted to play football. What you may or may not know is that within the private schools in Los Angeles there are intramural sports starting in fourth grade. During the fall season the boys play football and the girls play basketball. Three years ago Jane wanted to play football with the boys. I said no.

I love sports. I play a lot of tennis, I’ve coached Jane’s soccer, before I was a soccer mom I was soccer girl. Sports matter for their own sake. I’m the mom that gets it.

Maybe I’m the mom that only sort of gets it.

When Jane wanted to play football with the boys I could see what she wanted. She wanted to prove to them that she was equal, she wanted to show the other girls that she was faster, stronger and smarter than the boys and the girls, everyone really. Jane wanted to physically dominate. I said no. Mr. G. said no to Jane and we didn’t offer her an answer, we just vetoed the whole football notion and sent her off to play a crappy game of basketball. Jane’s fourth grade teacher said I should fight for her to play football. We didn’t reflect on this, as we were pretty sure we did the right thing.

Alexander is in the fifth grade and he is on the football team. This year there is a fourth grade girl on the team. At the dinner table Alexander would talk about how there was a girl and at practice he had to block her. “You’re not allowed to hit her.” I’d say. Mr. G. would roll his eyes and ask why there’s a girl on the team. I’d be unable to answer, Alexander would be unable to answer, and Jane would just glare at us and say, “I wanted to play football but you wouldn’t let me.” I’d smile and say, “You’re not allowed to block a girl, tell your coach your mom won’t let you.” and then we’d move on to another topic.

Alexander would occasionally revisit how awful it is to practice football with a girl on the team. He’d moan about how it sucks when you can’t block the person you’re practicing with. I’d nod, Mr. G. would remind him to be nice to her.

They played a game today. It was a good game and the team dominated but I felt conflicted about it. I liked the little girl being there and I felt like her very presence was a victory for little girls everywhere. At the same moment I felt like her very presence ruined the experience for the boys.

I understand wanting the world to be equal. I understand wanting all the same opportunities. I also understand wanting boys to play boy games.