School. Must. Start. Soon.

Enough with this family time. We’ve had two weeks of no school, no camp, no alarm clocks and no schedule whatsoever. Jane, Alexander, I love you, but it’s time for you to go to school. It’s not what you’d expect either. I’m not feeling suffocated. I’m not craving adult company. The house isn’t a mess and I don’t care that I can’t listen to Howard 100 when you’re in the car. I adore your company. Kids, when you’re home I get fat. This is unacceptable. You see, kids, Mommy pretends …

Dear Neighbor

Dear Next Door Neighbors, You really don’t need to apologize about your 4 month old daughter crying all night. I’m going to let you in on two secrets. The first one is that we couldn’t possibly hear her crying. If you’re sobbing with her, there’s the off chance that we heard that, but we’d just think birth control and roll over and go to sleep. The second secret is that your daughter was likely crying because my dog was barking. I know, he’s a little fucker, and we’re tired and …

Eff You Lady: Adventures in Head Lice

Dear Myla’s Mother, Fuck you. I could end the letter there but I won’t. I’d like to elaborate on why you can go fuck yourself. This house has been head lice free for almost a month. Why? Because when my daughter had them I took care of her. We stayed home for a few days to get the job done. When your daughter had head lice you sent her to camp. How do I know this? Because my daughter told me so. Myla explained to the girls that she only …

Bad Mommies are the Only Ones Worth Knowing

If you’re like me you’ve met a perfect mother. She’s infallible, never curses, never raises her voice, always cooks a healthy dinner and scares the snot outta ya. Why? Because it’s untenable. We all know that Perfect Mommy will snap, and when she does I don’t want to be there. Besides the loneliness of having infant children I suspect that the secret badness of the Mommy business is what brings us to our computers. Recently I visited a sibling cousin family member friend (who wishes to remain anonymous) and we were …