Overheard: Anal Fissures:: NSFW

10.24.09

On the telephone.

SALLY: Hiya Jess

ME: Hey. Weren’t we supposed to have lunch?

SALLY: We were but I got busy with Mandy. [Mandy is a mutual friends who defines WASP. I don't believe I've ever seen her sneeze without first excusing herself to the bathroom]

ME: Mandy didn’t tell me anything was wrong.

a beat goes by

ME: Ack! Is she having plastic surgery? OhMyFuckingGoodness I thought she’d had a brow lift last year and…

SALLY: Jesus Jessica, she has fissures but she didn’t want to tell you because sometimes she worries about you being, well….

ME: Being what? Nosy?

SALLY: Well, making fun of her.

ME: Why would I make fun of fissures.

SALLY: Anal fissures.

ME: Does she take laxatives?

SALLY: No…..

ME: Then what. [pause while it sinks is] Whaaat. Mandy takes it up the ass! [I can't help it I'm yelling]

SALLY: This is exactly what she was worried about.

ME: Doesn’t she have a perfectly good vagina to shove things into?

Click.

  • http://mommyisrocknroll.com Lauren

    THAT IS HILARIOUS!!!!!!! She should be more careful in the future. That’s what lubricants are for!

  • http://girlbasic.posterous.com/ Jessica

    Well, I thought it was funny anyway!

  • http://Www.mommasgonecity.com Jessica

    Aaaannnd I just woke the baby laughing at this. Again. I don’t even know what anal fissures are but I’m off to Google it. Sounds like fun!

  • http://www.thefivefish.com Karie

    Is she giving her vagina a vacation? You know like snow birds, north in the summer, south in the winter? Just a thought. HA HA

    I agree with Lauren, a good bottle of AstroGlide should have “eased” the issue.

  • http://sunleyemrys.com Emrys

    I MUST be ADHD, cause I opened and closed this entry like 7 times before I finally got to read it, because the cat kept distracting, or I was googling “anal fissures”.

    And this is also why it takes me forever to write a damn comment…

    And Jess, I know the feeling of not being told something because of the way we react. Its wonderful thing, lacking tact sometimes…

    Sidenote, I accidently wrote twat, instead of tact the first time.

  • http://momandmama.wordpress.com Googie Baba

    Hysterical. But I think Mandy should stop telling Sally things because Sally obviously can’t keep a secret.

  • http://www.catennisnetwork.com Rich Neher

    Being German, I always love to comment on posts of sexual nature. However, I think I’ll stay away from this one. Hilarious, as most of the good stuff you’re writing, Jessica.

  • http://www.nannygoatsinpanties.com Margaret (Nanny Goats)

    See, and I thought Mandy didn’t want to say anything because she was afraid you’d put it on your blog.

    ;)

  • http://houseofcline.blogspot.com/ Alicia

    why should mandy be scared? its not like you would tell anyone!…..but this serves as a reminder as to why that area is an OUT hole and not an in hole…ouch.

  • http://freshwidow.blogspot.com Supa Dupa Fresh, the Freshwidow

    Yeesh, remind me to never tell Sally anything.

    You know, if she’s as uptight as you say, this could be a good thing…

    X

    Supa

  • Warofart

    *clap* *clap* *clap* Nicely done, I have no idea why this Mandy would think you’d tell anyone.

  • http://dadarocks.com Dada rocks

    Being a guy, I always love to comment on posts of anal sexual nature. I think this one is Hilarious ps lube is right!

  • http://www.rockanddrool.com melissa

    i think that no one tells me anything anymore because it might end up on my blog.
    maybe…naw…you wouldn’t do that to your wasp friend that takes it up the ass.
    would you? ;)