Overheard: Anal Fissures:: NSFW

On the telephone.

SALLY: Hiya Jess

ME: Hey. Weren’t we supposed to have lunch?

SALLY: We were but I got busy with Mandy. [Mandy is a mutual friends who defines WASP. I don’t believe I’ve ever seen her sneeze without first excusing herself to the bathroom]

ME: Mandy didn’t tell me anything was wrong.

a beat goes by

ME: Ack! Is she having plastic surgery? OhMyFuckingGoodness I thought she’d had a brow lift last year and…

SALLY: Jesus Jessica, she has fissures but she didn’t want to tell you because sometimes she worries about you being, well….

ME: Being what? Nosy?

SALLY: Well, making fun of her.

ME: Why would I make fun of fissures.

SALLY: Anal fissures.

ME: Does she take laxatives?

SALLY: No…..

ME: Then what. [pause while it sinks is] Whaaat. Mandy takes it up the ass! [I can’t help it I’m yelling]

SALLY: This is exactly what she was worried about.

ME: Doesn’t she have a perfectly good vagina to shove things into?

Click.

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Comments 13

  1. Is she giving her vagina a vacation? You know like snow birds, north in the summer, south in the winter? Just a thought. HA HA

    I agree with Lauren, a good bottle of AstroGlide should have “eased” the issue.

  2. I MUST be ADHD, cause I opened and closed this entry like 7 times before I finally got to read it, because the cat kept distracting, or I was googling “anal fissures”.

    And this is also why it takes me forever to write a damn comment…

    And Jess, I know the feeling of not being told something because of the way we react. Its wonderful thing, lacking tact sometimes…

    Sidenote, I accidently wrote twat, instead of tact the first time.

  3. Being German, I always love to comment on posts of sexual nature. However, I think I’ll stay away from this one. Hilarious, as most of the good stuff you’re writing, Jessica.

  4. why should mandy be scared? its not like you would tell anyone!…..but this serves as a reminder as to why that area is an OUT hole and not an in hole…ouch.

  5. i think that no one tells me anything anymore because it might end up on my blog.
    maybe…naw…you wouldn’t do that to your wasp friend that takes it up the ass.
    would you? ;)

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