Marriage Online: Charming or Overexposed (Mom & Dad skip reading this one too please)

03.18.11


Yesterday I was poking around StumbleUpon and someone had sent me a link to a post titled “Marriage: In Which I Shut My Husband Down Once Again”. It’s a quick post, go ahead and read it. If you don’t feel like reading the post the essence of it is that the blogger’s husband had been the road for a few weeks, and texted her with a little sexy talk. “What are you wearing” was the question and she texted back a picture of her watch.

Apparently this is humor. I missed that but all of her readers did not. What I saw (and I did not read the comments until much later) was a husband who was lonely and horny in a hotel room in a strange city and a wife who was mocking him.

Apparently I was wrong and this banter between husband and wife is seen as adorable. I get it. I really do, not every marriage is the same. My friend Amy says I’m judgy, and to that I say, “Hell yes I am”.

There are things that I would never do. I would never sit at a dinner table and talk about Mr G’s shortcomings. As far as I’m concerned his only shortcoming is having married me. Not only would Mr G not appreciate it, but it’s uncomfortable for people to be around a couple who is working things out. Yes, I am Miss Fucking Manners, deal with it.

From a very pragmatic point of view I think that women do themselves a great disservice by talking about how tired they are from their very long days. I know what it’s like to drop into bed and feel the mattress envelop you almost like you’re floating. I know what it is to feel tired in your bones.

Ladies, turn the TV on for the kids, take a nap during the day and for the love of all things holy save some energy to fuck your husband in the evening. It’s part of marriage, and it’s part of marriage worth saving a little energy for.

Now Scout and her husband have some banter in the comments of her blog. I’m sure they’re very happily married, and I’m sure she’s a lovely lady. But I’m a giver, so I’ll share a little advice with everyone today.

 

 

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50 responses to “Marriage Online: Charming or Overexposed (Mom & Dad skip reading this one too please)”

  1. court0516 says:

    omg – this is hilarious. And so, so true! You’re awesome –

  2. Jason Lankow says:

    Haha this is hilarious

  3. Gigi927 says:

    I think the worst part of the post you cite is where she says “he keeps trying.” That kind of makes me sad and hints at something larger. I don’t think that she sent the picture or the dialogue that happened (although I would never personally show a screenshot of texts between my spouse and I) is that bad. She’s tired, he’s horny. This is a frequent imbalance in the marital dynamic. It’s that the husband is made the butt of a joke, and that it’s such a private conversation, that made me feel awkward even reading it. I think the blogger didn’t have mean-spirited intentions; she was just trying to capture something we all feel every now and then. And if he doesn’t care, then why should we?

    Is it something I would do? No. My husband is pretty much off limits in my blog. I might mention him here or there but any of his foibles or flaws are never put front and center. I truly believe the more you focus on a guy’s problems or issues in such a public space, the bigger they grow, and then they spill back over into the marriage in an unhealthy way.

    I have seen mean-spiritedness toward husbands that’s over the top compared to the post you mention.If you have to cut down your husband to keep your readers, then you’ve got bigger problems than the number of followers you have. #justsaying

    • I tend to make fun of my husband on my blog (although I never talk about our sex life) but my husband loves it. He reads all of my posts and the ones about him make great fodder for his friends. He also likes to call himself a “fan favorite” since the posts about him tend to be my most popular.

      Her husband might have found the watch thing endearing. Who knows? Every relationship is different.

      But yes, we should all make time to fuck our husbands.

  4. Judgmental but honest about it – part of your charm. That is why I love you dearly. Not sure why you have become the poster child for other people’s marital sex, but hey, there are worse causes. And i am sure it makes you popular at home ; )

    I still hold to the idea that whatever works for the two people in a marriage is their biz and getting all preachy about how others should behave is… well preachy.

  5. Anonymous says:

    I can see where snark can be a turn on. It’s the age old you want what you can’t have, distance makes the heart grow fonder, etc. With that being said; Tonys absolute, most FAVORITE line, that he does have me repeat for dinner guest, is YOUR line: if you don’t sleep with/blow your husband, somebody will.

  6. 123mrlee says:

    Classless. And without a sense of humor.

  7. Laura says:

    I get what you are saying. I don’t blog and if I did, I think I wouldn’t talk about my sex life, especially if it made fun of my husband. But, I also have to say that this IS so preachy that it is a turnoff. If you read the comments, you see that he is a playful type guy that got a kick out of her joke of sending a watch. In fact, it may ALL be in good fun. Maybe he sent it as a joke and therefore she responded as a joke and all the talk of ‘tired mommy, he’s trying this again’ is just her funny way of retelling it. If my husband sent that kind of text, especially during the day, I would assume it was a joke. If it wasn’t, then I’d figure that out and then play along probably.

    I think your linking to her blog post was meanspirited (though I bet she’ll get some readers from it).

    • I think I was pretty clear in the post that I hadn’t read the comments. I’d only seen the post on stumbleupon.

      I’ll disagree that it’s meanspirited to link to a thought provoking post. I don’t see how sending you there to read it is doing her anything but a favor.

  8. Anonymous says:

    Could not agree with you more.

  9. Annie Shultz says:

    Amen amen amen!! Oh my gosh I could NOT have said this better! I cannot blog about sex since my mother reads it and is far to eager to talk about my sex life with me (ewww!!!) so let me say here – I know what it is like to not have energy or interest in sex. I have been pregnant and breastfeeding for almost 4 years now (my older will be 4 yrs and my youngest, still nursing, is 3 months old) My amazing husband has put up with my hormones and lack of interest far too well. Props to him for not going to another woman. Now that he finally got a V, I will not be preggo ever again and I will start showing my love for him in the one way he wants it most.

    I can see what everyone is saying about how this might be mean spirited by linking to her. We don’t know her story or her husbands or their sex life. Now I do have to admit that she was kinda opening herself up for criticism by posting that online. I am very careful about what I post for that very reason.

    But on the other hand, this is JG! Honest, to the point, not caring what others think cause this is what YOU THINK. Women need to show their husband sexually how much they love them emotionally. Make it a priority. If there are issues preventing you from being interested (like my preggo or breastfeeding hormones) find a way to fix them and be honest about them with your husband.

    Wow, I’m starting to preach along with you my friend :)

  10. Mysentimentexactlee says:

    Eh. My marriage is about more than sex. If by chance I’m not having sex with my husband I don’t think I should have to worry he’ll go have it with someone else. I hear people say this all the time. “If you don’t have sex with him someone else will” Does this also go for doing the dishes, can we say to him “If you won’t do the dishes I’m sure someone else will” and getting up with the baby in the middle of the night “If you don’t get up with her I can find someone who will”?

    Lee

  11. Trisha says:

    this post made me choke.

  12. Dara says:

    I read the post, read the comments, read your comments, read her response.
    If she’s such a funny bunny, why can’t she laugh off your comment and review?
    Also, why are you wasting time reviewing that?
    Anyway, haha funny, he likes her humour, good. But does he like her telling everyone in the whole wide world how she shrugged him off? Does he enjoy the fact that when he’s away on long, most likely stressful business trip, she’s home resenting him for not being there. And I bet he just loves that she encourages other women to comment on their sex life and what she wears and how naive and stupid men in general are for thinking we wear stilletos and bustiers. All in the public realm.
    Whatever, not worth my time.

  13. I could have absolutely written this, but I didn’t. You are absolutely on point!

  14. Rhea says:

    You are absolutely correct. I have a friend, he doesn’t get it at home so I know he gets it somewhere else even though he still loves his wife.

    It also goes for women…there are men who don’t give it up so easily either.

  15. Clancypooh says:

    Well, you were kind of making fun of her life and how she lives it, so yeah I think there was some meanspiritedness to your post. And definitely judgy. Must be nice to be perfect.

    BTW, please don’t ever read my blog or link to it, I don’t need those types of favors.

  16. I saw your tweet yesterday, rose to my feet, applauded and said, “Hell yeah! Getting laid is a major component to a healthy relationship!”

    Which was awkward because I was in a English literature seminar.

    But the sentiment stands.

  17. Katie says:

    Awesome awesome post AND tweet.

  18. Janessa says:

    This is awesome. :) Love it!

  19. Sharon says:

    You have yet again hit the nail on the head, your my hero.

  20. Daisy says:

    Somebody commented that HER marriage is not just about sex. (gag). Talk about sanctimonious. Her morally superior marriage may have damaged her thought process because the analogies she used were like comparing apples to oranges. You cannot compare intimacy with your husband to loading the dishwasher. I know this sounds harsh.. and it is. I make no apologies though, because, really who cares what I think? It’s just an opinion. Plus.. the poster is super kind and is not afraid to announce that she’s the nicest person in the world. That’s some confidence! So.. I don’t think she’ll get hurt feelings.

  21. Daisy says:

    Jessica, you are practically perfect in every way. This post is right on!

  22. Suchaluckylady says:

    My best friend told me that on her wedding day her father told her that for men, sex is like going to the bathroom. He has to do it often or it builds up and feels almost painful. I took this advice and am always willing to take care of my husband’s need, or almost always! I have a husband that adores me and tells me that I am so gorgeous when I am 25 lbs overweight and hitting middle age. He appreciates that I understand and I get a happy husband that will not be going anywhere.

    • AnotherGuy says:

      As a man, I say, the need for sex is more like being hungry. An analogy is that when hungry, I crave food, even if it is not great quality. But I also know that having a meal with someone I like or love is better than eating with strangers – or alone! Translation: sex is good anytime. But it is even better with a true lover.

  23. Anonymous says:

    I do get a little…judgmental when women talk about shutting their husbands out or trading things for sex (he doesn’t get sex until the car gets washed, etc.).

    I was apart from my husband for almost 2 years. In that 2 years I got to see him for about 12 weeks TOTAL. It was broken up in 4 day, 10 day, 15 day spurts…and then I got a whole 6 weeks with him in the middle. 8 months of nuttin’…15 days of bliss, and another 4 months of NUTTIN’!! He’s home now…will leave again in July, just 2 months this time, then I should get him for a full 44 weeks. After that…it’s anyone’s guess.

    Anyway, my point is…When some women are bargaining with their husbands about sex…mine is a mere memory. We’ve gone 6 & 8 weeks without any kind of contact whatsoever (no phone, no email…zip). Five minutes of his voice after that is glorious. And I replay our conversation in my head…every mad dash word over & over until I get another phone call. We make up for lost time when he’s home…but always with the idea that every time we do it…we’re one time closer to the last time. Dirty texts & emails are about all we’ve got. I would have given my right arm to skype with my husband.

  24. Shop with Me Mama (Kim) says:

    Great post and I do agree!!!

  25. James says:

    That may be the best, most concise and informative Tweet ever. I’d like to nominate for some kind of Twitter award.

  26. GoogieBaba says:

    I want you to know that I thought along time before posting this. In fact, I slept on it. It’s what I honestly think.

    I have been reading your blog (and previous blogs) for a long time. I (mostly) didn’t agree with you. But I still read what you had to say because you struck me as kind of complicated and nuanced. Your readership has grown a lot in the last few years. And I’ve noticed something.

    You have gotten meaner, Jessica. You are a mean girl.

    Maybe it’s just that you have finally picked on someone I really like (I don’t know her IRL – I just read her blog). Maybe it’s that I feel that you are really being unfair to her. And you will probably say that she opened herself up to criticism by posting. Fair enough. But I don’t think there is anything wrong with what she wrote. I am criticizing you.

    And one more thing. This whole “Fuck your husband or someone else will, ” is really fucking creepy. First of all, you can’t control whether or not your husband cheats on you. Because it is his decision.

    But I also want to believe that a husband and a wife can relate to each other as two loving adults. That they can both show concern for each other’s needs. Not fucking out a sense of duty, or god forbid, fear that if you don’t, you will be traded in for a more pliant model.

    I would never want someone to fuck me because they are afraid of what would happen if they don’t.

  27. Amanda Armstrong says:

    Wow. It takes some guts to put it out there like that, but I appreciate your honesty and your advice to married moms! I really hope your parents did not read it too:)

  28. Daisy says:

    This is the last post on this subject for me. What gets me is how over everybody’s head this entire thing has gone. Some are taking it literally and becoming very offended.
    I find Jessica’s sense of humor very dry. The whole, “fuck your husband or someone else will” does not mean.. “Oh shit.. my husband is leaving me now because I had a headache one night.” It is not to be taken literally. It’s much broader than that. If you make jokes about your husband in public, humiliate him, call him names, laugh at him ( supposedly a mans biggest fear), withhold sex, shut him down when he is trying to be sexy and playful with texts, you will hurt him… and then he may find someone else to meet his sexual and emotional needs.
    Stating the obvious over and over.. “MY marriage isn’t just about sex” is ridiculous. I should hope nobody’s marriage is just about sex. Suddenly the ones who agree with Jessica on this are “fucking out of sense of duty”. Posting: “I’d never want someone to fuck me because they are afraid of what I would do if they don’t” is so off the mark. This is something out of an abused women’s blog. Nobody is saying you should stay in a bad marriage or fuck when you don’t feel like fucking. The point is to be loving and kind and intimate with your husband. Can you imagine how you would feel if you text your husband something a bit naughty and he showed it to all of his friends and laughed at you? What if he then told you how TIRED he was from his big long day and called you a doofus for even trying to be sexy. Then he boasted about how he shut you down. Yeah.. it would sting a little.

  29. Carrie says:

    You already know that I completely disagree with your opinion on this. And quite frankly, I think someone who devotes an entire blogpost to their miniscule opinion on someone else’s marriage hints more at their own underlying issues than the blog authors. But hey, you got your traffic, didn’t you?

    What a shame.

  30. GoogieBaba says:

    It’s been several hours since I posted my comment, and honestly, I wish I had made my point differently. But I have been a reader of Jessica’s work for several years now. And I pretty much never agree with her. A perfect example, Jessica thinks breastfeeding in public is inappropriate especially if a breast is exposed. I don’t agree. I don’t think an exposed breast is any big deal. Jessica would post her opinions, I would disagree, and that would be that. But it wasn’t like she was posting to a blog where a woman advocated public breastfeeding, and she said, “Look at this breastfeeding slut!”
    If Jessica had said everything she said above but didn’t link to the United States of Motherhood, I would have no problem with it. Yes, I still think saying “Fuck you husband or someone else will,” is creepy. Because it’s a threat, and not even an implied one. Furthermore, it just isn’t true if the guy respects his marriage vows.
    There were a couple of other times where she linked to people she was criticizing, But they were always blogs with huge readerships like Melissa C Morris and Mrs. Happy Housewife. This just seemed more personal.
    Plus, I noticed in the last couple of years Jessica has managed to raise an army of followers. These people seem to post nothing but, “Oh Jessica, you are sooooo right. You are perfect. XOXO.” And maybe I am just a little bit jealous. Because I have no such army, and lord knows, I could use one sometimes.

  31. […] Marriage Online: Charming or Overexposed […]

  32. Kristine says:

    For what it’s worth, my husband is now fully supportive of my Jessica Gottlieb habit.

    On a more serious note, this post is why I read you, Jessica. Because at it’s core, it’s more evidence that despite your “in your face,” “take me as I am,” “can I tell you about my bikini wax?” “what about my tampons?” attitude, you are utterly and 100% devoted to your marriage and family. We’ve been burdened by such a virgin/whore dichotomy in Western society for so many eons, and I am just glad to see vocal women who prove you can be outspoken, brash, etc. and STILL be a good wife and mom.

  33. […] read that post about the lady whose husband wanted the sexy texts. It was really funny. If I was her husband I’d be […]

  34. your a bitch says:

    You are a horrible person, picking on another blogger, you ought to be ashamed. It’s obvious why you are not married. Go crawl back in the hole where you came from, and shut the fuck up

  35. […] something akin to a kitchen sink that is sparkling clean.” Not everyone agrees of course, and Jessica Gottlieb has been known to tell other mom bloggers: “Ladies if you don’t want to fuck your […]

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