Amateur Day at the Spa

After a walk in the hills with a friend and dumping dropping kids off various places I headed to the spa for a massage.

Not just any massage, the 80 minute deep muscle massage. I scheduled a bunch of free time before and after so that I could move through the steam, sauna and whirlpool.

Apparently I forgot the first rule of the spa. Never go to the spa on a weekend or a holiday week. It was unbelievable. I was clearly surrounded by women who were using their holiday gift cards. There was chatting in the sauna and swimsuits in the whirlpool. When I went into the steam room one woman was splayed out on the bench, legs spread wide and taking up space for three women while two others kept opening the door (to get cold wash cloths?) all the while checking their dangly earrings. Dangly earrings do not belong at the spa, they get in the way of massages, salt scrubs and facials. Furthermore they heat up in the sauna.

Who are these women and how did they make it to adulthood without understanding spa etiquette?

Why do I know that one of the ladies in the whirlpool has a middle child who is an overeater? Why did the publeless bench stealer in the steam room have to continually stand up to press the steam button after swimsuit clad women left the door propped open? Why did I know she had no pubic hair? Because the steam room door was open. The sauna should have been silent, it was not, women were asking each other why it was so hot. Because I’ve evolved they all lived to see another day.

If you got a spa gift card this month do me a favor please, use it this week because I’m headed back there mid January and I expect to see only experienced spa goers who schvitz in silence.

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Comments 10

  1. Listen, I had a cramp, I needed to spread my legs. And WHY was it so hot? They should supply fans. The tiny ones you can carry around with you. 

  2. If someone is willing to pay me to become a professional visitor to the spa I will happily sign up. A good schvitz makes my days a lot brighter. Steam off of the rocks is a true pleasure.

  3. I have to confess that I would probably be one of “those” women. I’m 30 and have never been to a spa. Unless you count an occasional sauna or whirlpool at a hotel. I actually did have a very generous gift certificate to a luxurious spa one time and let it expire because I was too chicken to go. I’m the product of a modest central NY upbringing, so this stuff just wasn’t in the cards for me. I need a fairy godmother who can also give me some etiquette lessons before she sets me loose.

  4. See, Jessica, it was the schvitz that gave you away.  Schvitz and spa go together like chopped liver and pate.  May be the same stuff, but the plating is oh so different.

  5. I’m a spa veteran, but I am never sure about the swimsuit thing. Maybe because I tend to go during amateur hour and I see ladies with swimsuits on and then think maybe I was wrong about no swimsuits.

  6. Aw, man….

    …REALLY!?

    I love reading your blog, Jessica.  I think I’ve left a comment here and there before.  I’ve been so busy the past month that I haven’t kept up with any blogs I read, and today I got the luxury of catching up with my favorites.  And I just can’t get past this post.

    And now I’m going to grandstand.

    Here’s the line that irked me the most: “I was clearly surrounded by women who were using their holiday gift cards.”

    Excuuuuuuuuse them, Jessica.  How rude of these women, whose husbands and boyfriends likely saved the money from their middle class jobs for quite some time to be able to surprise their delighted wives and girlfriends with such an indulgent experience.

    Excuuuuuuuse them for putting a damper on the day of a woman who can visit the spa and receive this type of pampering anytime she chooses.

    How DARE they not do their research beforehand, as to not ruffle the feathers of the women who actually *belong* in the spa. [“If you got a spa gift card this month do me a favor please, use it this week because I’m headed back there mid January and I expect to see only experienced spa goers who schvitz in silence.”]

    Give me a break.  I thought you were better than this.  I love how you can crisply kick someone in the ass when they’re being an ass… it appears sometimes the kicker needs a kicking herself.

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