You’re Parenting Wrong

After reading Romney’s ideas on edumacation I got grumpy and decided that I had to tell you all the ways you’re fucking your kids up.

1. There are two sides to your car. When you park your car and take your child out on the drivers side I might run you and your child over. If this should happen I will sue you for fucking up the front of my car and making me late. Should the paramedics attempt to save you or your child I will sue them for disobeying the laws of nature. You should not procreate if you cannot figure out that swinging your child into an oncoming car is not smart.

2. If your child’s voice has been on your home answering machine for more than five years it’s time to change the message. Actually if they aren’t a voice over artist their voice doesn’t belong on your voicemail. The world doesn’t have a toddler and one person’s adorable is another person’s grating.

3. When you start up your computer and log in does it ask you for your name or the status of your womb? My user name is “Jessica” not “Mom”. Ladies I know in the beginning it’s all consuming but at some point you’ve got to let it go.

4. Ten is old enough to cross any street during sunlight hours. That is all.

 

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  1. I sinned against parenting by having my son on the same side of the car for a while. But since it was a 2-door… well, whatever. It’s easier having him on the opposite side so I can look in the rear view and tell him to stop picking his nose.

      1. But I had to walk all the way around to reach into the middle of the car anyway. And when you have to park in a tight spot you get all of the room to get yourself AND the kid out.

    1. How can you not have an answering machine?  It is Soooo rude for the people who call you.  My husbands parents don’t have one.. they are 80.. you don’t look 80.  It is very hard to communicate with someone if you cannot leave a message.  As for the parallel parking… I guess you never go out?  

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