There’s A Rat In The House

At about 9.00 last night, just as the kids were drifting off to sleep I heard my husband call me from downstairs. “Jess, Jess I need you!” As is my habit, I refused to go downstairs. I had (still have) a cold, I was tired and grumpy. It was a little unusual in that he continued to call for me. “Jess, I really do need you!” The yelling roused the kids, this isn’t a house where we yell for one another. Finally I yelled down and asked what the ruckus …

This is EXACTLY how the conversation went:

ME: Sweetie can you set up this camera for me? [and I hand him a pink video camera that’s about the size of a pack of cigarettes] HUSBAND: This is a camera? ME: Yes, here’s a tripod for it too. [and I hand him a lego-y looking device] HUSBAND: This isn’t a tripod. ME: Yes it is, see. [and then I wiggle it around a little] HUSBAND: Okay sit over there. ME: Do my arms look wiggly? Do you have just my face? Is the dog in the frame? HUSBAND: …

Reentry

We’ve named it reentry. Much like atmospheric reentry there is a certain amount of risk. Now that we are twelve years into marriage and almost eleven years into parenting, we have a solution. I leave the house. When the kids were tiny his job took him away much more than it does now. There would be several weeks each spring where he’d be gone and then another few weeks following that where the days were so long, that all we’d see of him was his laundry. The locations changed but …

Overheard: My Brave Husband

As I was preparing dinner my husband cautiously approached. He walked slowly as if attempting to grab a rattlesnake by surprise. Still, he smiled as he said: HIM: Honey, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about this, but I didn’t want to talk about it too close to the event. You know, so please don’t take it personally. ME: [going cold, thinking there is horrific news to be had] Uh, okay. HIM: Well. It’s about dinner. You know, when you make pasta it’s a little rubbery. ME: [relieved beyond …

I’ve Got a Shovel & A Shotgun And I’m Pretty Sure I’d Never Be Convicted

Preamble: I love my husband and he loves me. Last night my husband was in the kitchen and took a bowl off the shelf. “There’s crap all over this bowl. Can you make sure they’re clean before you put them away? This keeps happening.” He railed. “Uh, ya know what? Sometimes the dishwasher isn’t perfect, if you want the bowl clean why don’t you wash it.” I asked him. “I don’t wash dishes.” He declared. “Maybe you should.” “Listen Jess, I’ve got three stopgaps before the dishes get to me. …